ganjaboettcha — LiveJournal
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Jun. 27th, 2009 7:29 PMganjaboettchai dont belong here,i dont belong with you.im not like you nor do i ever want to be.i belong nowhere.i cant forget what i did.and i cant run away from it,but im still trying.i will be in europe in 4 days.my life here in the woodlands has subtly fallen to pieces.i have no friends,i have no place,and i dont belong.i am running away from what seems to be a sorry situtation all i have left here is my problems and times to dwell in them and make them reality once again.im running away from here.only for a month but its far far enough for my soul,to the love i may find in the people there.people i rarley see.people who all my life have been a part of me.
my world here has ended,like all good things will but it was the faster i climbed the harder i fell.My fall was hard and it was a shocking realization one i did not want to accept.i kept my eyes closed wishing everything id lost to come back to be mine again.but it didnt.it never came back.it never belonged to me oncemore.so i opened my eyes and saw my lonliness my brokeness and now im here,and im standing on my own two feet finally enough to take care of my own self to stop being dependent on people who were rarley ever there.im leaving,and wanting to come back to a new start.one that i do not deserve.
Im afraid even the greatest of us fail to change,and lately ive been failing,falling back to my old ways.but i know this cant happen.this cant be.it wont help me to destroy myself slowly as i once did.im afraid that coming back and trying to start over wont work that ill fall from grace again an not be able to get back up.that hospitals will once again become my home.that old scars will return.that food will be my enemy .that pills will be my comfort.i am afraid to go back to living everday in my old ways.i want to be normal i want to handle things the way others do.but i can never seem to be like everybody else.i never seem to belong anywhere.their is no home for my heart no place for my body or soul.no place i belong to.no place id reeally call home.
so i wandering,and im running.because the truth is too real.ill run as far as i can before i see reality and fall once again.Current Mood: apatheticLeave a commentShareFlagLink Jun. 10th, 2009 6:24 PM
ganjaboettchain tears is the best way to write,in a haze of confusion of overwhelming feeling stirring within you.in these moments most tend to learn alot about themselves.how strong they are,what they can handle,what they can feel,and how hard they can feel it.two feelings is all i have felt lately.i have felt numb and lost.the thing about numb is its rather difficult to handle something when you cant feel when everything hurts so bad that you cant feel at all anymore.and lost since part of me has left or been taken away along with the people and life i use to live gone.
i look back and i think in december i had it all and i knew it,i had what i wanted.what i hoped for.what id secretly prayed to whatever figure controls us all.i had what i wanted.i had everything yet i still seeked comfort in pills and cuts.i still craved the very things that destroyed my arms and made me drugged.what have i let myself become.what have a let myself be driven to,for only the sense of feeling okay.why have i found only self destructive ways to cope,why was i brought up that way?
is there any escape when you have grown to learn to harm yourself to feel.i was young.only a child.why did it happen to me?why did it get worse over the years,why did i end up drugging myself up to lose feeling,to lose myself in it.why did i cut,not only to feel but to overpower the pain i felt over everything?why did i burn?to feel something hurting worse than the insde.why were pills swallowed down with alchol was there some part of me risking my life.why didnt i open up and scream.just screm my fucking lungs out and feel.
why am i know as nuumb and lost as i use to wish to be,in the end i dont know myself at all and if i was a stranger looking in on myself i would see nothing but i girl with no hope to recover,i would leave.and i have learned not to blame those who left.i got what had asked for or shown that i wanted,to be alone.their is no blaming those who gave up,i myself have given up on what i am1 commentLeave a commentShareFlagLink Jun. 9th, 2009 9:03 PM
ganjaboettchai dont know what to write,i dont know what to say anymore im at a loss of words.at a complete emptiness inside.their are no words to explain how i am,who ive become their is no finding what i have lost.i have lost myself.i have let go.i have noone to blame but myself.Leave a commentShareFlagLink i never thought May. 17th, 2009 at 7:56 PM
ganjaboettchaid reach this place.id reach such a place were the end was near but has been rescued,i never thought id be at this point to were id sunk ut been saved.the e.r was my rock bottom and that memory is what i have faced for the last month.my disaperance was very subtle but everyone seemed to know what i had done.theres a lack of trust i have in people now,i fear what i have left untold.i fear what i went through the past month.i fear all that has happend to me the places have been.the things ive seen,the things ive heard.this is nolife for a 13 year old there is no life in what im living now.theres simple emptiness and a dying feelign inside.i cant let my life consist of doctors i cant let my life be controlled by those who it does not belong to.but whyy do i feel so out of control why is everything out of my hands?when did this happen and how did i let it?when i was gone did i suddenly loose control or was it taken from me,was i deemed not sufficent enough to survive on my own?why cant the medical world leave me alone.im suffering now for what i choose then if only i could go back and change that one day i wouldnt have let my future dismantle infront of my eyes if only i hadnt let it happen i could have skipped a month of hospitals treatment and sadness.if only if only,why cant i go back?Leave a commentShareFlagLink the last month May. 17th, 2009 at 7:39 PM
ganjaboettchainvolved an e.r and two physchiatric hospitals.both which i was transferred to.one lasting three weeks.i forget the non silence of the weorld,the stillness in there is haunting and im not prepared to live again.but im trying its my 7th day of being out and i have never been more frustrated.my life revolves around doctors now,one everyday.im sinking only because im not left alone to face what i did to myself.i was in the e.r for burns ones i had done myself the school had seen and had sent me for.im not afraid of what i did let alone afraid of what i payed for it.i was gone one month,one month out of my bed and home one month under the stillness and cold corners of therapy.im starting to wonder why i let this happen what drove me to the depths of suicide what made such things plague my mind.and i cant come up with it it has been three weeks since i have cut.and my scars are fading but still are present.they are what most people see when they look at me they see only the scars on the arms of a 13 year old girl.the very hint of hitting rock bottom fading away on my arms.sometimes i wish they werent so apperant.i have been alone the past month.with only 2 or 3 people that remained with me through eveyrthing.i have seen things kids my age shouldnt and heard tragic stories of lives and deaths.ive been mended but not enough.im not healed but im a work in progress i am not ashamed of my past or what led me to getting help.i am only sad that that had to be the way.i remember the day of the er so clearly the transfer by ambulance to the first hospital then the second.i remember how miserable i was and the thousand tears of lonliness i cried but in all this i learned i was strong with or without someone by my side.i could get myself help.now im working on my life,every piece of it.im trying to mend the broken and make it without doctors shadowing my every move.i will be 14 in a week or two and i ld like to say its on that day that it has been a month since i have cut or burned or purged,that is my birthday present to myself.because im leaving this life behind,i wont let it destroy me.this will become my past,the tears the pain the scars will all melt away.and i will prove to everyone that i can be okay.that for once i took care of myselfLeave a commentShareFlagLink hospital Apr. 22nd, 2009 at 8:44 PM
ganjaboettchasecond time in a physchiatric hospital,seven days second time.bare white walls and eyes watching your every move ressuring you dont do what you would if you were not there im sinking and the lie to themselves and belive they are bettering me yet im breaking and dieing piece by piece.so what im crazy and half the fucking world knows what was i in there for cutting burning myself,bulimis anorexia depression and possbile bipolar disorder.so im out of mind that makes me no less than you no less than those doctors faking happiness in those places are extremly difficult all you feel is trapped stuck thinking ofthe hours the minutes passing till you get by the groups unhelpful the food untastable the people worrysome.you become paranoid and nervouse scared.but most of all you belive youve been abandon by everyone you known this second time abandonment was all i felt i spent time cryiing in a corner seen days of that and i was automatically better and they realeased me what i wask myself if theis is better why do they even create places like that prisions to those who are imprisoned in their own mind its enough to drive you insane.my second time and not my last i go to my third tomorrow im unexcited and i have fallen proving to everyone im weak that im here to fall that you can tear me down i am no longer strong like i was once looked as im weak and fragile and soon i will permanetly break six weeks monday through friday all day outpatient program.if this doesnt hekp me nothing will.i cant be saved i wont be saved.im using these words as direct as they can be i need help and i need it now but ill never recive it,Leave a commentShareFlagLink Apr. 13th, 2009 4:45 PM
ganjaboettchathere honestly must be something wrong with me i don't understand why happiness escapes me why is so much given to others while so much is taken from me?why should i be all alone when everyone else has someone,even if its not someone to hold.why cant i have someone to help me through this all.why am i such a disaster i thought i would be stronger than this?stronger than crumbling under tiny pressure.stronger than breaking under unhappiness.why must this all be happening why cant i just be happy?thats all im asking simple happiness but its what the world deprives me of.every things breaking i know i've repeated this several hundred times but i think im trying to reassure myself im awake and alive and all this is really happening.
every things breaking.every things fallen apart im trying to keep this in my mind so i know what its become.and i cant change any of it.why must everything break.i cant stop this and i did'nt see this coming so i never thought i could but what am i suppose to do in something so torn apart?what the fuck am i suppose to do.
i want to take this all back i want to never change i want to be simple and uncaring like i once was.not weak and pretending not to care like i am now.i dont want to be afraid or upset at my world falling apart i want to be strong yet i cant be.theres so much i cant change and so much i would change.every things just fucking wrong.Leave a commentShareFlagLink its easter Apr. 12th, 2009 at 9:58 AM
ganjaboettchatheres soemthing about this day that should be mildly significate to me but there isnt..i dont belive in god let alone a svior since i myself have never been saved.i dont belive that there is someone allowed to send us to hell for our sins.but there is something strangly comforting about not beliving in things like theres no possibilty for lost hope that we dont waste our time beliveing in something that one day will turn out untrue.
i dont really remember when it was i stopped beliveing in so much.recently i gained back belief in love but before i barley belived in anything.im begining to see im extremly negative.in an unhealthy way.id love to change but im kind of stuck like im not sure what other way there is.ive never been much of an optimist.but im a real bad pessimist and it cant be good.
i sit around and think too much,to the point were i greatly upset myself of the past the present and future life seems bleak when you have time to think of all the wrong,eventually you feel trapped.lately thats how i feel.like ill never be okay and this is all my life will amount to.depression and nothingness.i feel like i have no way of escaping all this and that it has permanantly become my life.i never thought itd end up like this with nothing and no one.completly alone and torn apart but it did.and im not so sure what to do now.i cant belive in things and have my faith be destroyed..so what do i do now?Leave a commentShareFlagLink Apr. 11th, 2009 2:51 PM
ganjaboettchaim trying to be stronger than i really am im trying to be the girl that can smile the girl that can be okay but im not sure if i can be im nothing next to everyone else.these people have lives they have love they have hope they have care while next to them my life is empty as it could possibly be.im trying to be so much stronger than i ever really could be.im weak, and its said that what doesnt kill us makes us stronger but is that realy ever true.Leave a commentShareFlagLink Apr. 11th, 2009 11:42 AM
ganjaboettchaits terribly scary that things can disappear so quickly everything you once knew you could turn around and it could be gone and its frightening it makes you question whats real and whats not it makes you wonder what ever was.the fact things are'nt permanant and things will always change i hate theres no knowing what our life is bound to become and not knowing who or what will be there in the end.it makes me wonder if i should even trust if i should even care or if everyone i love is imagined .like their never really there just a part of them that leaves when they choose to.it makes you sit and question who really was there who was true and real while you talked and laughed while you poured out your soul the most you have to anyone.was it real to them as it was to me or were they just a ghost with an imagined presence.it makes you panic and wonder what is really real what will always be real.are those who dissapear taking part of you with them.
knowing yo so well that they take everything they could from you and walked off with it.leaving you a bit more lost a bit more wondeirng what is left for yourself.Leave a commentShareFlagLink
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Page Summary (no subject) [+0] (no subject) [+1] (no subject) [+0] i never thought [+0] the last month [+0] hospital [+0] (no subject) [+0] its easter [+0] (no subject) [+0] (no subject) [+0] Syndicate Commentstaylorpowell17 Jun 2009, 02:04(no subject)i dont know why i did but i did. when i opened this i didnt expect to see anything close to what i did. im sorry i left. i just couldnt handle what you were going through and i still cant. after you…Powered by LiveJournal.comDesigned by Katy TowellTAGS:ganjaboettcha LiveJournal
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