Dear R Much as the idea of setting up nanny cams and laughing as the cats harass you appealed, I had neither the time or money (nor inclination to see your pasty arse on the way to the bathroom) so instead, I leave you this hopefully comprehensive set of instructions… Help yourself to anything in … Continue reading I honestly don’t know how my parents ever arranged a holiday. Particularly in an era before mobile phones and social media. How the hell did they relax?
I’m sure that this should bother me in some way, but there’s a donut in the kitchen and I’m more concerned with beating the horde to it than figuring out how to explain my job to Year 5.
SD#1: I was trying to tell my friends what you do for a living but I couldn't find the words and they went, "So, journalism then?" and I said "No," and then the bell went for maths. Me: ... Not really surprising that the Fourth Estate is now a dismissive punchline to a Brexit joke. … Continue reading I’m sure that this should bother me in some way, but there’s a donut in the kitchen and I’m more concerned with beating the horde to it than figuring out how to explain my job to Year 5.
I know that age creeps upon us all, but I do wish mine would bring snacks.
The Thelma to my Louise is also freelance. I live in Glasgow, she lives in the middle of a field somewhere in Notts, and right now, we're clearly sharing a skeletal system. T: Have borrowed an external keyboard from my brother in an attempt to avoid my frozen shoulder getting worse after sitting in a … Continue reading I know that age creeps upon us all, but I do wish mine would bring snacks.
My heart hurts.
Misty and I have a great deal in common. We both snore. We both like cheese. We both have a gift for napping and we both like routine. Misty's involves sleeping up by my pillow, farting and snoring and daintily shedding into my face throughout the night before headbutting my hand when it's time for … Continue reading My heart hurts.
Patience is key.
We decided that Genghis needed a pal. Misty is just too old and too grumpy to be dealing with Genghis' exuberance, and I was getting very worried that our fuzzy little lunatic was lonely. I was sure that she would treat the newbie with more affection than Misty has ever managed to display to the … Continue reading Patience is key.
The cat pissed on my avocados.
Much to my irritation, I find it is easiest to define by failure. A friend was pitching my writing skills to his boss and - in order to reassure the man that I understood the peculiarities of SMEs - mentioned Biblo. The first question was, "if she writes so well, why did it fail?" My … Continue reading The cat pissed on my avocados.
Squirrel TV is bigly better than the Gorilla Channel.
Genghis spends a lot of time in the windows. She considers them her sole domain as the only time Misty has ever been on a ledge was That One Time the black cat from down the road threatened the household at 6am by sheltering from the rain on the outside sill. I have no idea … Continue reading Squirrel TV is bigly better than the Gorilla Channel.
In my defense, I hadn’t properly caffeinated.
This customer came up to the counter and - all at the same time - Dayna shouted for Michael, Michael nodded at the customer, the customer ordered a drink, and Michael told me he was taking his break. Michael disappears, the customer moves down the counter to wait for their drink, and I start chuntering … Continue reading In my defense, I hadn’t properly caffeinated.
I’m scared.
SD#1 just looked at me speculatively and asked, "Do you ever write like God?" As I was deep in the middle of some convoluted translations about face cream, I clearly looked bewildered so she clarified: "Do you think you're being a bit mean, you know, killing off a character's family or subjecting them all to … Continue reading I’m scared.
I think I have to accept that it was less a deadline, and more ‘a random date I picked out of thin air to justify my current lifestyle.
I have been Freelancing more than Benchwarmer'ing and... Actually, that's total bollocks. I have been Freelancing, Barista'ing and avoiding - through sheer lack of enthusiasm - any Benchwarmer'ing at all. Around the end of May (at what should have been my carefully calculated deadline) I got a message from a mate asking about it and … Continue reading I think I have to accept that it was less a deadline, and more ‘a random date I picked out of thin air to justify my current lifestyle.
It’s not so much that I’m putting it off, it’s just that it’s vital to the survival of the household that I pair all the socks and polish the doorknobs first.
I have written bugger all in the last month. Well, apart from to-do lists. And the occasional article for the agency. And a note for D letting him know that I'd already fed the cats and not to believe their Shakespearean declarations of hunger after I'd left for my shift. (Actually, I think Genghis is quite Puck … Continue reading It’s not so much that I’m putting it off, it’s just that it’s vital to the survival of the household that I pair all the socks and polish the doorknobs first.
After catching up with Conviction, Grey’s Anatomy, Westworld and House of Lies, I’m currently working my way through Lewis. I highly recommend the latter as, up until Season 7, there are only 4-episodes-per, so a binge isn’t so time consuming that you run out of clean pants.
When I'm starting a book, I compose in bed before I go to sleep. I will lie there in the dark and think. I'll try to write a paragraph. An opening paragraph. And over a period of weeks and months and even years, I'll word and reword it until I'm happy with what I've got. … Continue reading After catching up with Conviction, Grey’s Anatomy, Westworld and House of Lies, I’m currently working my way through Lewis. I highly recommend the latter as, up until Season 7, there are only 4-episodes-per, so a binge isn’t so time consuming that you run out of clean pants.
“A gesture of such heartbreaking kindness that I might die wanking.”
PSA: this is friggin' hilarious. And is the reason, after parsimony, that I don't read these any more. I wrote this after a Sunday reading the glossy magazines that come with the broadsheets, who pretty much all did the same thing that weekend - run a hilariously hagiographic interview with a young actress. I honestly felt I'd … Continue reading “A gesture of such heartbreaking kindness that I might die wanking.”
I’d rather have financial success than critical acclaim as I’ve had enough of living hand-to-mouth and being able to splurge on a bumper pack of toilet roll from Costco seems like the height of extravagance at the moment. Talk about a low bar…
In the interests of procrastination - because I believe that no deadline should be met without the cold sweat of guilty panic on my brow - I have been researching every aspect of Benchwarmers rather than writing it. There are plenty of How-To's out there, and everyone has a different Must-Do, so I've been sifting through to find … Continue reading I’d rather have financial success than critical acclaim as I’ve had enough of living hand-to-mouth and being able to splurge on a bumper pack of toilet roll from Costco seems like the height of extravagance at the moment. Talk about a low bar…
I think my subconscious has weaponised my imagination and I’m choosing to take this as A Sign.
For the last few years I've had a full time desk job. I've had weekends off, statutory holiday allowances and the never-gets-old joy that someone else was paying my monthly wage. Then I found a better desk job, handed in my notice, looked forward to a month of garden leave and... The better desk job fell through. Gutted. The upgrade was … Continue reading I think my subconscious has weaponised my imagination and I’m choosing to take this as A Sign.
THE REDOUBTABLE MISS LOU 