Has anyone seen my Epipen lately? That’s what you’re supposed to use to treat a stuffy nose, right?

They’re also probably the same parents who let their kid eat Lunchables in elementary school.

On the first day of Dartmouth Summer SAT Study Boot Camp, you and the rest of my personalized SAT Strategy Team reminded me that it truly is hard work and perseverance that matters above everything else. I was able to bring these lessons back to my studies at Washington Whitely Prep School for Fancy Boys and, thanks to you, I brought my GPA all the way up to a 3.3!

From this point forward, whenever a legacy says “Yeah, I go to a Little Ivy” what they’re really trying to say is “Yeah, my parents have a little bank account”

AMHERST, MA – With the addition of the first woman in the Zumbyes, you might be thinking that times are a-changin’, that Amherst a cappella is taking a turn for the more inclusive. I’m here to tell you that isn’t true.

Hi. I’m Adramelech, former Great Chancellor of the Underworld and President of the High Council of Demons, 8th archdemon in Beelzebub’s Order of the Fly, and royal wardrobe supervisor for the devil himself. I know I sound scary, but I’ve changed! What set me on the path to righteousness was listening to our very own Christian a cappella group, Terras Irradient. The first time I heard “Shackles”, I found myself grooving in my seat, and I even shed a tear at “Worthy is the Lamb”. I immediately stopped using my evil powers to make the J Chap pews even more uncomfortable, cut off ties with my old employer, and dedicated myself to a new goal: being a member of TI.

When they posted auditions, I was so excited I accidentally let loose a plague of lice! It was my time to shine. I used to sing in the fire showers down below, and all my torture victims told me I had a good set of pipes on me (that is, before I ripped their tongues out), so I was pretty sure I’d at least make it to callbacks. I mean, they said during the freshman showcase that I didn’t have to be Christian.

So much for getting my hopes up.

I’m used to people quivering in my presence, but I thought things would be different here, especially with the institutional commitment to diversity. But when I walked into the room, the only thing I was greeted with was screaming. I guess I’m not attractive enough for you, Terras Irradient! I guess my mule head and peacock body doesn’t fit into your Western, Judeo-Christian beauty standards! Once the screeching died down and I explained myself, they (trembling) told me to sing what I had prepared. Feeling shaken but not discouraged, I continued with the traditional version of Silent Night, sung in my native 7th Circle dialect. I must’ve made an impression, because blood began to drip from Meredith’s ears and Donna’s eyes rolled back into her head. Then, they asked me about my faith. Well, of course, I told them: I’ve been serving the devil ever since I was a little baby demon. Of course I believe in Lucifer’s right to rebel against God, the punishment of sinners for all eternity, and doing general evil. They told me they’d think about it.

Well, they certainly didn’t need much time, because when the callback list was posted, my name was suspiciously missing. I got worried. Maybe they made a mistake? I know I can sing. So I messaged them on Facebook, just politely checking in about my audition, and they had the audacity to say that I wasn’t the right fit for the group! That my voice reminded them of famine! That my mule head would be disconcerting to parents during Family Weekend! Well. I certainly did not expect that from a group that claims to be inclusive. I tried to go to Title IX, but Laurie said the law didn’t cover discrimination based on demon status, and there was nothing she could do for me.

I am disappointed in the Amherst community, which is why I want my story to be heard. It’s great that the Zumbyes feel like they can take this step forward into gender inclusivity, but we can’t call ourselves an inclusive community until all members are respected, loved, and appreciated for what they uniquely bring to campus. So what if what I bring is abject terror, plague, and Val noodle bar? I am a worthwhile member of this school and deserve to be treated as such. Hail Satan! Tusks up!

AMHERST, MA – When Chris from Grab N’ Go heard that an automatic card swiper was going to replace him and help decrease line congestion, he challenged it to a swipe off to the death. Talk about taking a stand!

“I’d never heard anything like it. I was in Converse when suddenly shouts of ‘Rock on, dude,’ and ‘Have an incredible lunch, bro,’ deafened everyone and shattered the windows. I had to go see what was going on” said Chuntley Hunt ‘20, star lacrosse player and inbound summer analyst at very cool investment bank according to his LinkedIn.

But he wasn’t all bark and no bite, according to other Muck-Rake sources. “He had two cards spinning in the air on his right, and was swiping a third one with his left hand. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like he was the Austin Sarat of swiping you in, but not an asshole” said Tom Gomez ‘21.

In order to determine if Chris really could beat the machine, President Martin encouraged students to get back in line as soon as they got their food, saying “There can only be one! Forget the slop that you shovel into your mouth every day! This is bigger than you, this is about HONOR, about POWER, about TRUTH,” as thunder crashed throughout the campus center.

After flipping and swiping 3000 cards and emitting several hundred cold, robotic variations of “Enjoy your lunch, dude,” the machine finally sputtered and died, resulting in an explosion that destroyed most of the new Schwemm’s pub.

Chris stood victorious amidst the rubble, his hands blistered from swiping an incredible 3001 cards. He couldn’t enjoy his victory for long however, because the second the relief of victory washed over him, he collapsed to the ground and his heart exploded. As he lay dying, he triumphantly lifted his arm and let out one last “Rock on, dude”.

Wow! Rock on to you too, Chris!