A DISMAL pair of contestants on last night's ITV debate failed to win a single penny for their respective charities, it has been confirmed.

RISHI Sunak has asserted that his last five years in government, covering his time as chancellor and prime minister, do not count because his fingers were crossed.

THERE’S one thing this general election is a bit light on: huge twats. That’s why I’ve decided to return to the fray.

KEMI Badenoch believes the Conservatives should be congratulated for waiting until the second week of their campaign before leveraging the trans issue.

A WELL-off mother and father are feeling grateful that their child has the good fortune to be born wealthy, it has emerged.

A MAN staying in a regular hotel is longing for the underlying hostility of booking a night in an Airbnb, it has emerged.

TOO many graduates have insufficient knowledge of the psychosexual elements of the Alien films, industry leaders have warned.

CYCLISTS have emerged from winter hibernation to display their summer plumage and demonstrate their fertility to uninterested potential mates.

YOUNG would-be homebuyers are still clinging to their nauseating rose-tinted hopes and dreams, it has emerged.

YOU have suspended my daughter. You, who’s meant to be educating her for six hours a day but can’t cope with a bit of challenging behaviour. And now the vicious cow’s at home.

DELIBERATELY cocking up the pronunciation of words is one of life's little pleasures, so liven up your otherwise drab existence by mangling these.

ABANDONED all hope of getting a shag? Fill your time with one of these cripplingly dull hobbies where your lack of sexual charisma will see you fit right in.

TOWNS where students go to get drunk and occasionally attend lectures are fun for exactly three years only, it has emerged.

A MUM wearing a DryRobe on the school run has come fresh from a strenuous cold-water swim at the beach, she has implied.

A COUPLE who have just had underfloor heating installed are claiming they will not let it go to their heads.

SOME acts of kindness are so unavoidable you can’t even congratulate yourself on your incredible generosity toward the little people. Here are some you just grudgingly have to do.

MANCHESTER United play rivals Manchester City in today’s FA Cup final, but would a shock win cause the magnetic poles to reverse and the dead to walk the earth?

TEAMS relegated on the last day of the Premier League season will only be replaced by different ones, it has emerged.

GARETH Southgate, the most successful England manager since Alf Ramsey, is a miserable failure who lost his country two Euros and a World Cup. Time for him to go?

MANCHESTER United’s reputation among those with zero interest in sport is still that of a world-class team, it has emerged.

A WOMAN is convinced social media is a suitable forum for her to cry and discuss her most intimate personal problems.

AN INCOMING phone call from a number you do not recognise can do one, it has been confirmed.

BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed.

A WHATSAPP group is the mourning the loss of one of its members after it was discovered his silence was not due to him ‘being shit at the bantz’, but because he is dead.

A CANTERBURY cafe has banned laptops and claims it has helped build a community. Should others do the same?

THE first person to use a slow, acoustic cover of a pop song in a film trailer has taken a moment to reflect on the horror they have unleashed onto the world.

DO you refuse to deny your true middle-aged male self any longer? Do you think the Top Gun soundtrack is a bloody good record, actually? It’s time to come out of the musical closet with these tracks.

THERE are many classic musical collaborations, and then there are some really weird ones that nobody asked for. Like these.

A GROUP of Irish pre-teen rappers have recorded the viral hit The Spark. Unsurprisingly it is f**king horrible and all traces of it should be destroyed, along with these other ‘heartwarming’ child hits.

ALL couples have rocky patches, and Jennifer and I are no different. But luckily there’s someone I can always turn to in difficult situations: Batman. Here’s how he’s helping me right now.

DO you know someone who enjoys pretending that Showgirls is worth sitting through in an ironic way? They probably like these other films too.

THE soaring number of office workers selfishly dying at their desks is costing Britain £2.6bn a year, a new report has found.

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed.

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then.

TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it.

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced.

ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?

DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal admissions. 

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to.

A GROUP of lads out for an all-day session have lapsed into silence after exhausting their stock of ironic football-based banter.

A GROUP of friends meeting for pre-drinks before a night out have found themselves slipping painlessly into serious drinking.