Random One-Liners

Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Misspokements Music

If you break 100, watch your golf; if you break 80, watch your business.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Golf Sports Work

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn't be enough to go around.

(1902 – 1983) Australian novelist & short-story writer
Money People Wealth

Woman Tied to Scalia Faces DUI Charge

Headlines

Artificial Intelligence Like Real Thing

Headlines

I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Future Relationships Situations Time

Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter
Golf People Situations Sports

When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed… it evens itself out.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Age Old Young

If it jams, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Accidents Failure Murphy’s Laws

If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

American actor & comedian
Health People Women

Toupée: Top secret.

Appearance Definitions Hair

That’s a genuine fac-same-ully.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Misspokements

The man who can’t dance thinks the band is no good.

Dance Proverbs Reviews/Criticism

Let fightin' dogs lie.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Animals Malaprops Situations

All great discoveries are made by mistake

Corollary: The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.

Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Problems

Confucius say… never tell a one legged hitch hiker to hop in.

Confucius say

A tap-in is a putt that is short enough to be missed one-handed.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Golf Sports

And he’s done that in a whisker under 10 seconds, call it 9.7 in round figures.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger" … every picture of you is of when you were younger.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Age Young

Once again

Oxymorons