WTF Russia

Time 2021-01-05 21:05:20

Web Name: WTF Russia

WebSite: http://wtfrussia.com

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made by a genuine Russian, WTF Russia is a step-by-step guide to phenomenal Russian reality. Read it now and save your what-the-fucks in the future. The author keeps the right to be biased, judgmental or wrong. or adorable you should blame this two people: Elena Marus (idea, texts, illustrations) and Mike Lisiansky (technical realisation, visual effects). Don't forget about copyright. Cheers! It is the cheapest cologne, popular since Soviet times. Great price + Great distribution = People’s choice.Troinoy CologneFYI there are two ways to drink troinoy cologne.The safe one, and the utterly ridiculous one*.The safe one: pour the substance into aspecial glass (prepare to throw it away, thesmell will linger for ever), drink it in one gulp, then drink afull glass of ice-cold water straight way.The water is supposed to wash the trace of cologne down (as far as possible) and to lower the temperature.Yeah, 80-90% of the spirit will meet the water in your stomach and turn it into a heat-causing substance.Warning:Anyway, unless you’ve got strong Siberian roots, I strongly recommend you to stay away from these techniques.Tip:And, if by any chance you are not satisfied by a mental experiment, just add a few drops of your favorite perfume to a martini and enjoy the transcendental taste**.* all materials provided for educational purpose only** please, don’t miss the ironyThe cooler yourwater, the better.Remember – if you mix cologne with water before drinking, you’ll get a warm milky substance with akiller smell and few drops of aroma oil floating at the surface.Only a few can manage such a drink. Let’s honor them with our silent respect.Mannaya Kasha (Cream of Wheat)Another important item used to raise a true Russian. Every child in USSR–Russia was doomed to eat mannaya kasha. Technically it’s a cream of wheat, but the common state of its matter involved tons of blobs and a thick milk skin.Somehow, this meal is supposed to obtain some extraordinary nutritional “qualities” — and these “qualities” are considered extremely valuable for kids. Without any doubt, it was the most hated meal ever. Add here a tradition “until-you-eat-it-all-you-won’t-get-up-from-the-table”. Imagine the thing turning cold and you’ll have the picture.Believe me, the constant eating of a lumpy, cloggy thing must have a huge impact on every child.Still wondering why Russians don’t smile a lot?Avos’ka—The most optimistic and BIPolar bag ever.Being a net-bag it takes absolutely no extra space when empty and can contain a lot of goods if you are lucky to get one.So it’s a perfect choice for both a pessimist and an optimist.The name itself is also remarkable. Russian word AVOS’ends with soft [s’] literally means “may be” but substantially it is more about the blind hoping on the good luck.Acting on avos’ means doing something on the off chance.(Unfortunately Russians kind of abuse acting on AVOS’)SoIn the time of global deficit (and avos’ka came from exactly that time), people were taking avos’ka’s not because they were planning to buy groceries, but because they might have a chance to buy something.At the moment it’s a nice and stylish option for an ecologic-friendly shopping bag.Don’t forget to grab one when you’re in Russia.Leo Tolstoy’s beardThis beard brought millions of children to suffer.It was back-breakingliterature for obligatory school reading.[ Literally ]Do you know how much a medium “War and Peace” edition can weight?(Note that in Russian the text will be up to 20% longer and it will be heavily mixed with French.)And it wasn’t his only book in an average must-read list. Leo Tolstoy provided a stack offormidable literary works.Yet a lot of grownups truly admire Tolstoy’s genius. For a child, unspoiled by Dostoevsky this literature is way too tedious.Stalin’s mustacheIt is really difficult to find words for this item. According to different sources a poet, abright seminary student, a son of a cobbler and maintainer of this mustache is responsible for up to 20 mln people killed. Purges and deportations, Collectivization, Industrialization, Famine and many other strong words are directly linked with this mustache.On the other hand this cult mustache had totally ruined the other bloody mustache victorious march.Khruschev’s ShoeIt is the most famous missing shoe in the world.(after Cinderella’s one)Everybody knows that Nikita Khruschev pounded his shoe on his delegate-desk during the 902nd Plenary Meeting of the UN General Assembly held in New York.But the fact is that there is no sign of this shoe on any video- or any photographic materials.Whom shall we blame?Creative newsmakers?* or the powerful hand of the KGB?What about you?Do you believe in shoe-banging?* They say foreign journalists and interpreters kind of disliked Mr Khruschev, because they suffered a lot trying to translate his unique speech patterns (such as his famous promise to show a Kuzka’s mother to Nixon and few others).Gagarin’s smileThis is the most famous Russian Smile in the World. The Soviet Mona Lisa. This is the smile of afirst man who saw the Earth from the Space — Yuriy Gagarin.I’ve mentioned Russians never smile without a reason. This guy truly had one.Gorbachev’s birthmarkThis birthmark became a death-mark fortheSoviet Union as a state. The head donning this birthmark invented Perestroyka, proclaimed Glasnost, ended the Сold War, blew up external debt, destroyed the Berlin Wall, won the Nobel Peace Prize, and became a well paid Louis Vuitton model.Lujkov’s cap (Kepka*)This iconic headware served well covering “some naked parts”of a Moscow mayor (1992-2010).The Achievements of this cult cap are truly remarkable.A second-hand hat was sold for $15.000 in 2003. In 2007, a signed copy was sold for 250.000 RUR (about $10.000), and finally it has been cast in silver and sold for $1.000.000[Adorablecareer for any headwear]In 1997 the cap-owner Yuri Lujkov announced:«Kepka — it is a joy of communication, Kepka it is that unity, which makes us all alike, Kepka equals protection, Kepka equals joy!**»* Kepka means cap in Russian. Also it is a people’s name of Yury Lujkov** Nope, this phrase makes no more sence in RussianRakeIt’s much more than a popular agriculture tool.Stepping on the rake is kind of our basic educational model.If it was an Olympic event, Russian athletes would definitely be unbeatable champions.Also itlooks likesteppingon the samerake is ourbelovedhistoricaltradition. Russian Soul™The Great Russian Soul or Mystic Russian Soul. First, never tell a Russian that you’ve never heard about themysterious Russian Soul. Obviously it’s not true. Secondly, never tell a Russian that you can understand аMysterious Russian Soul. Nobody can, by definition. It is a non-understandable mythic substance.The presence or the lack of this substance is the main way to define national identity.Though the whole essence is indescribable, there are a few basic things to know. An invincible wish to cheat The System (any system), pinching Dostoevsky’s grief, Oblomov’s sluggishness, greatheartedness, acridness and emotional latitude spilling over any borders.from French “Glace Plombières”PlombiereIt is an important object of Russian Culture and one of the most popular Soviet kid’s dainties.Soviet plombiere is a rather fattening (12-20% of milk fat), top quality* ice-cream. Selling all over, it’s served in a waffle cup made in a form of a traditional table glass.(Yep, I’m speaking about that famous vodka-drinking glass.)This way every Russian used to have a firm grip on a glass since early childhood.* produced according to GOST R 52175-2003Isn’t it a remarkable cultural fact? Chai (= Tea)Here we have a quick recipe how to discover a Russian spy. He may smile all thetime, he may not hide balalaika under his bed and he may even refuse to drink vodka, buthe’ll always agree to have a second cup of tea.Tea-drinking capabilities are really well developed in all Russians. We are ready to have a tea-break at any moment (especially at work).And c’mon when we say tea, we don’tmeanjusttea.All sweets in the house are included and a long chat is a must. Crimson BlazerIf you have one, try not to think about it, butIn early 1990s it was a significant part of New Russians* self-identity. The Crimson blazer was a vivid attribute of social success and an important status thing. A finger-thick golden neck-chain was amust to complete the outfit. As soon as tons of Chinese blazers flooded the willing market, the value of this outfit depreciated dramatically.Thanks Heaven there are flash-lights though.* extremely rich semi-criminal businessmen of the post-Soviet Russia Tip#1Important: Remember that lack of smile on a typical Russian face doesn’t mean that the person is unhappy, angry or rude. Anditdoesn’t mean the opposite. Actually it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a normal state of one’s face. Don’t be mistaken.Tip# 2 Сamouflage follows directly from Tip#1. If you want toblend into the crowd, just stop grinning all Try and look perplexed — perhap and think about your multiplication tables. Save your smile until you have ahefty reason to use it. And I promise — you’re gonna have plenty of them.Tip#3Babuska vs MatrioshkaOk, first of all, you may call Matryoshka “Babushka” (I see no reason, but some people do so). For your own sake, never call Babushka “Matryoshka”. The last thing you want todo in your life isto offend a Babushka. (Ok, the absolute LAST thing would be to offend Mr. Putin himself, but it’s kinda more complicated). Every tiny old Russian lady is a true fighter. Remember, they survived Communism and Stalin. You do not want to get in their way. Pay as much respect as you can and try toavoid any conflicts (this works for Mr. Putin as well).{This section may be continued. And it may be not.}Tip#4 Constant vigilanceAware. Beware. Watch out.(especially when dealing with taxi-drivers and government officials) Peter The Great StatueAhoy!Real-Trans-Headed Statuefalse94 meters of pure art by Zurab Tsereteli, it is the tallest statue in Russia (and in Moscow) and anhonorable member of the top ten ugliest buildings in the world*.*according to Virtual Tourist research and Foreign Policy magazineZurab Tsereteli was a bit carried away with self-quotation and this Peter the Great Statue looks quite similar to his statue of Columbus. And ever-eager evil tongues spread the rumor that the Peter The Great Statue is anex-Columbus statue (rejected by both the US and Spain) with a new head.Although Tsereteli justified himself, some people still believe that ashameless giant head transplantation took place indeed. MoscowSkolkovoSt. PeteKaliningradPutin's Secret PalaceSochiKrasnokamenskVerkhoyanskOymyakonRussiaRussia is wild, vast and irrational. And so is its geography. Prepare to use your imagination.MoscowOk, here we go. There is one main thing to remember, Moscow is not Russia. It is more like acontiguous state inside of Russia. (Yep, here u can start using your imagination.) The country of “Moscowship” is much more civilized, globalized and capitalized. Forthe average citizen of “Moscowship”, geography is clear and plain. There is only Moscow and “TheRegions”, from which the citizen separates only St.Petersburg and his original home-city. Yeah, theshare of Moscow-born people is quite a small one. For Russian Russians geography is also quite simple. There is Russia and that f*cking Moscow.SkolkovoIt’s a nano-city and innovation centre devised by Dmitry Medvedev. Just imagine a Russian-style mix between a cyber-city and Silicon Valley just 30minutes drive from the Moscow city limits.And while all scientists and investors in the world are struggling for this opportunity, we just have to build the city, to provide infrastructure, and, you know, tomake few innovations. That’s it. A totally innovative idea of innovation-making.Putin’s Secret PalaceAnd here we have a Secret Palace of Mr. Putin with reported value of $1000000000*.* excluding the price of a brand new landing-strip (about$1blnextra)Sochi It is an imaginary host city for imaginary Olympic Games in 2014. Don’t forget, according to the Mayan Calendar there is no chance of any games after 2012. And that explains quite well why the International Olympic Committee admitted a subtropical city tohost the winter Olympic games.But without a doubt, the idea itself is truly Russian.And if you insist that size matters, you may be pleased to know that Sochi is the longest city in Russia.OMG. It looks like FIFA is following the same pervert logic. Russia is going tohost the 2018 FIFA Championship.KrasnokamenskHere an internationally famous Russian prisoner Mikhail Khodorkovsky serves his sentence. Among others, one remarkable thing is that according toRussian laws he ought to be kept in a place ofconfinement closest to his registered place ofresidence.There is 6732 km (4183 mi) between Moscow and Krasnokamensk. Can you actually imagine that there is no other prison nearby?Saint PetersburgSt.Pete acknowledged to be the most beautiful, imperial and depressive city in the country. Ex-capital and the cradle of our culture, St.Petrsburg is full of romance and mysteries. Why do you think Russian Tzars hanged out in a city with such ahorrible weather for such a long time (1712-1918)?One probable reason is the sacred lake of power (aka Komsomolskoye lake) located in theSt.Pete’s area. Check yourself how far can you go if only you have your dacha* located well — dacha-consumer Cooperative "Ozero”. Impressive? I bet it is something magical in the water.* “dacha” is a summer or vacation home in Russia.NB Every true Russian got something in the blood that makes him to love St.Petersburg and toloath Moscow. I have no idea why.KaliningradKaliningrad (aka Königsberg) is not only theweirdest located city in Russia and a place where Immanuel Kant rests in peace, it’s also animportant monument of modern history. The whole city is anopen-space museum of architectural horror. Thetagline is “Look how Soviet people can transform an average european city trying hard to improve it” (damn constructivism and low-cost khruschev-style housing).Really, you should see it yourself. Impressive.Oymyakon VerkhoyanskImagine that you live in a powerful freezer, but sometimes this freezer turns into oven. Ta-da! Now you have a clue what the weather in Verkhoyansk and Oymyakon is like.The temperature there ranges from -60°C inWinter to +35°C inSummer. And the official temperature records are -66,8°C(-90°F) and +37.3°C(99°F): that gives us a105°C(189°F) temperature range.Just conjure up in your mind how difficult it is tosmile in such weather conditions (it’s not recommended foryour health either). PindostanOne more item from Geography sectionPindostan is a mythic country inhabited by Pindoses, an embodiment of universal evil forces facing (and acting against) Mother-Russia. Common Pindos is arude, extremely stupid foreigner with astrong inclination to overweight and invasive democracy-development (in oil-producing countries particularly). In other words, the complete antithesis of acommon Russian (intellectual, Great Russan Sole holder, a perceptive connoisseur of Shostakovich and Tarkovsky).Also Pindoses are fully responsible for the world economic crisis and Global warming.Beware! MKADMoscow Automobile Ring Road encloses the city and defines the borders of Moscowship.Running 108.9 kilometers along thecity borders, MKAD is well-known for constant traffic jams (with a population over10mln, it’s no surprise).A truly remarkable and brow-raising fact about this road is thatthe construction of 1km ofMKAD is almost twice as expensive as the construction of 1km of The Large Hadron Collider.And yet it’s not a freeway(in spite of this ridiculous price).It seems our bold head decided it can perfectly manage everything by itself. Lucky us!Medveput or PedvedevTo support the duality of the Russian coat of arms, todouble our presidential capacity, tohave foureyeskeeping a close look on Russia instead of two and tohave everything under double control we’ve switched toa new government system— a Bi-headed State (duumvirate 2.0)While one head is focused on innovations and is rising national iPhone and iPad consumption, the other can focus on the oil and gas industry and push sales of yellow automobiles.Double happiness for everybody and everyone! Hurrah! CiviliansA common Great Russian Soul holder. The largest group containing everybody from a skinny platinum blond that wears high heels and fake diamonds in any weather to an old, fat dwarf, that sleeps in a box, and is ready drink vodka at all times.Military PoliceFirst there are way too much of them. But this is not the biggest problem. Remember the movie “V”? The old one about lizard-aliens? We have just thesame situation. Some of them are real people that are always ready toassist you, to help and to protect, and some are just freaking dangerous animals that just look the same way. And that is a problem.The Flash-lightersMasters of the roads (I bet you’ll be impressed if you see one), celestials, kings of the money hill. Numerically insignificant but the most powerful part of the population. The influentials. The special ones. To distinguish themselves from plebes they heavily use blue flash-lights and observe no rules.PoloniumNo. No. No. We don’t have. Any. More.If you’re looking for Polonium, you can find it in Mendeleev’s Periodic Table (6 row, #84).And pleeease, don’t mix Polonium–210with tea. It’s illegal and traceable.A short note for that guy who called me crazy and promised tokick my ass for using this word at wowrussia.com. We do still use this word to define all Russian-speaking parts of theInternet. Moreover, this word has been officially included in the orthographic dictionary. Just live with it, sorry.RunetRunet is a natural habitat of so called net-hamsters. These are common users that generate and digest tons of runet content (yep, some creeping also occurs). Add some trolls, Kremlin agents, army of bots, and you’ll have the picture.Also Runet is a place where the mass media is still semi-free and where people can communicate semi-freely. Blue BucketOnce a common attribute of sandbox games, theblue plastic bucket gained animportant role in modern Russia. Ithas become asymbol of social protest against theunlimited (traffic) laws that are constantly violated by“flash-lighters”. Tosupport this social movement, you need to buy ablue plastic bucket and to tape it to thetop of your car (from a distance it will look like you have areal flash-light). Or you can borrow abucket from your child and join a walking protest march. Putin–CrabWhy Putin is a crab?It will be the first Google suggestion when you type the word “Why” in Russian.*[You can enjoy few pictures of the smiling Putin-crab if you decide to check this out for yourself.]The source of this meme brings us to Putin’s speech.In 2009, Mr. Putin described 8 years of hispresidency in these words:«Все эти восемь лет я работaл каК РАБ на галерах»(All these 8 years I’ve worked as a galley slave)Unfortunately, “как раб” (as a slave) was transformed to “как краб” (as a crab) by a news agency (anyway it sounds the same).You know cheerful Russians just couldn’t miss this opportunity to create another ridiculous meme in runet.* It’s not the very first suggestion at the moment, but is has been so for quite a long time.Isn’t it a nice place for surprised WTF? Russian CarouselI bet you’re familiar with basic concept of Russian Roulette — one gun, one round, one shot (and in-between you spin a lot). Russian Voting Carousel uses quite the opposite principle. You take a bus loaded with voters, and you can make every one of them “shoot” all day long with false (or borrowed) absentee ballots going around different precincts. However, both activities have one thing in common — at the end nobody wins. Saw-Cuts*and KickbacksSaw-Cuts and Kickbacks are two pillar stones of Russian economics (the third one is the price of oil). The more you spend, the more you earn. This principle surelyworks well for enriching certain economic agents, but unfortunately itruins the system itself. But who cares about the system inRussia? (Nobody)*we don’t “cut the budget”, we usually “saw the budget” or make “asaw-cut”. That’s why such aprosaic object became a vibrant symbol of our economic processes. NavalnyAlexey Navalny is a Level 80 combat net-hamster. Navalny gained his social weight by constant trolling of pro-Kremlin companies. In his public anti-corruption battle he uses his skills of a lawyer, super-natural charisma, furious retweets and other hamsters.One of the strongest opposition leaders, the author of theUnited Russia rebrаnding (now known as the Party of Crooks and Thieves) Navalny is also known as a converted CIA agent, asecret project of Kremlin, a hardcore nationalist, an imperial chauvinist and the one and only hope of Russian Democracy.Caution: he is not smiling, he’s showing his teeth.

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Call it an introspection or a self-analysis; made by a genuine Russian, WTF Russia is a step-by-step guide to phenomenal Russian reality.

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