Funny Quotes about Life

Time 2020-07-13 16:08:24

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Funny Quotes on Life Funny Quotes to Live By Funny Quotes Funny Quotes and Sayings about Life Funny Life Quotes and Sayings Funny Sayings about Life Funny Life SayingsFunny Quotes about LifeWhen a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.- George Bernard ShawLife is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.- Charles M. SchulzA cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar WildeIt is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.Mark Twain History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. Napoleon BonaparteDon't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. Mark Twain Get the facts first. You can distort them later. - Mark TwainGod writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.- Garrison Keillor When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.- Mark TwainFunny Life QuotesA bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.- Bob Hope A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.- Will Rogers A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying boy was that fun. - The MauglesA lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston ChurchillFunny Quotes on LifeEveryone should have at least two friends - one to talk to and one to talk about. - AnonymousFamilies are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.- AnonymousFat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.- National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.- AnonymousFriends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.- AnonymousFriendship is like money, easier made than kept.- Samuel ButlerGentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room. - Dr. Strangelove (1964)Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.- Minnie PearlGod writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.- Garrison KeillorGood friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.- Mark TwainGuests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.- Benjamin FranklinThe only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. - Oscar WildeWhenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.- Mark TwainMinds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open. - James DewarWhen a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.- George Bernard ShawBlessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.George EliotThe only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.- Stanislaw Jerszy LecFunny QuotesA lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.- AnonymousA man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.- Benjamin FranklinA remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.- Will Rogers A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.- Bernard MeltzerA wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.- Grace Hansen A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.- Mae West Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -Erica JongAll people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.- Robert HeinleinAn old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.- Jim HayesApology is only egotism wrong side out. - Oliver Wendell HolmesBad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.- Mel Brooks Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.- Will Rogers Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.- George EliotChildren aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.- Ogden Nash Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.- Mark Twain Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering; I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster. - Spy Hard (1996) Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.- Mae West Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.- Mark TwainDon't let schooling interfere with your education.- Mark TwainDon't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.- AnonymousFunny Quotes and Sayings about LifePeople who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.- Isaac Asimov Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.- Mae West She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors think she may be faking.- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.- Oliver Wendell Holmes Stupid is as stupid does.- Forrest Gump (1994)Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.- Mark Twain The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.- Oscar WildeThe four most important words in any marriage... I'll do the dishes. - Anonymous The lack of money is the root of all evil.- Mark Twain The most important words in the English language are not I love you but It's benign. - Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.- Israel ZangwillThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.- Henny YoungmanThe worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.- Bette Midler There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun.- The Simpsons Movie (2007)This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.- Bess MyersonToday is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.- AnonymousTrue love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.- Erich Segal We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.- Angelina Jolie We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.- H. L. Mencken What we got here is... failure to communicate.- Cool Hand Luke (1967)When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.- Rita RudnerWhen we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.- Mark TwainWhen your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.- Mark TwainWhenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.- Mark Twain Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?- Barbra Streisand Work is the curse of the drinking classes.- Oscar WildeYield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.- Robert A. HeinleinYou can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.- Milton Berle You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.- Winston Churchill You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.- Shrek (2001)You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.- Harry S. Truman Funny Life Quotes and SayingsKeep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.- Benjamin FranklinLearn the rules so you know how to break them properly.- Dalai LamaLife doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.- Woody AllenLife is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.- Tom LehrerLife is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.- Oscar Wilde Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.- AnonymousLook your best - who said love is blind?- Mae West Love is a game that two can play and both win.- Eva GaborLove is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.- Anonymous Love is loving what your lover loves.- AnonymousLove is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.- W. Somerset Maugham Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.- AnonymousLove thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.- Mae West Funny Sayings about LifeHalf the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.- Walter Kerr Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.- H. L. Mencken Heaven must be an awfully dull place if your best friends end up elsewhere.- AnonymousHistory is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.- Napoleon BonaparteHusbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.- Clue (1985)I can resist everything except temptation.- Oscar WildeI choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.- Oscar WildeI don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.- Mark TwainI feel the need to express something, but I don't know what it is I want to express.- Interiors (1978)I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.- Casino Royale (1966)I have faith. I just need proof to back it up. - (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!- Tom Lehrer I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.- Rita Rudner I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.- Rita Rudner I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls. - Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx I'm awash in self-contempt! - Woody Allen (Lee Simon - Celebrity - 1998)I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.- Woody Allen (Robin Simon - Celebrity - 1998)If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.- Lily Tomlin If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.- Billy WilderINDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.- AnonymousIt ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.- Mark TwainIt is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.- Mark Twain It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.- Ralph Waldo EmersonIt takes a long time to grow an old friend.- John LeonardIt's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.- Mark TwainJealousy is all the fun you think they had.- Erica Jong Funny Life SayingsMama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.- the movie Forrest GumpMarriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.- AnonymousMarriage is the chief cause of divorce.- Groucho MarxMinds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open. - James DewarMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.- Woody Allen Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.- Oscar WildeMost people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.- Lord Chesterfield My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.- SocratesMy life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.- Michel Eyquem De MontaigneNever interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.- Amelia Earhart Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.- Mark TwainNo man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.- Anonymous Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.- Oliver Wendell Holmes Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. - Mark Twain Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comicOh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough. - Love and Death (1975)Old age is fifteen years older than I am.- Oliver Wendell HolmesOne man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.- Ogden Nash One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.- Bertrand RussellOutside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.- Groucho MarxThank you for visiting these Funny Quotes.

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