did you ever get the feeling that youre trying to put out the sun — LiveJournal
Time 2021-11-24 17:34:23Web Name: did you ever get the feeling that youre trying to put out the sun — LiveJournal
WebSite: http://shadowsbystars.livejournal.com
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the,feeling,that,get,did,you,ever,out,Description:
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Leave a comment 07 November 2007 @ 11:19 pm (no subject) i never thought i would be this happy so soon after dun dun DUNNNNN ... the break up.
when i think about him now, i'm not bitter. i'm happy for the fun times we had. i miss him, but i know i'll never take him back. it's not that i don't think he's a good person. i just get hurt easily by things like that. it takes a lot to truly make me feel this way. but i trusted him, and he didn't think it was worth it. that sucks, but it makes it easier to move on because i know they were HIS doubts.
the one thing i miss above all is the cuddling-kissing-hugging. i thrive on contact like that. i absolutely love it. it sucks not knowing when i'll have that security again. but i know that i WILL, one day, have it again. for now i'm okay with not knowing. i am in love with my life at the moment. except for the downstairs neighbors listening to whatever the hell they're listening to. other than that, i seriously love it.
so now, because i'm bored ... a survey! i don't like posting too many on myspace lest people get bored of me or GASP learn too much.
particularly THIS kind of survey ....
1. Are you Hetero-/Homo-/Bi-sexual?:
hetero
2. Are you in a relationship?:
noooope.
3. Are you a virgin?:
noooooooope.
4. Have you gotten your first kiss?:
uh i think so.
5. Do you have a crush?:
kinda, but it's the same crush i've had for years, just re-kindled a bit.
6. Do you enjoy being in love/having a crush?:
i like having a crush when he likes me back.
7. What form of birth control do/would you use?:
mm condoms do it for now! hahaha.
8. How far have you gone with a "lover"?:
homeruns
9. Would/did you have sex before marriage?:
shit happens man. i don't see how people can wait that long.
10. Do you believe in hookups (sexual relations without emotion)?:
it's not like santa clause ... you cant just not believe in them. but yes random makeouts are okay, no random sexytime.
11. Have you ever had a hookup?:
ahem. you know that saying, learn from your mistakes?
12. Is there a difference between a crush and being in love?:
of course, what kinda question?
13. Do you believe in love at first sight?:
i actually think a little tiny part of me does. obviously not the realistic side of me.
14. Do you believe in true love?:
true as in made for nobody else? not sure.
14 1/2. Can long-distance relationships work?:
if both people are committed, definitely. i'm good at long distance.
15. Have you ever had a long-distance relationship?:
yup.
16. What of online relationships?:
mmm weird. i can see connecting with someone, i just don't think i could meet someone online and fall in love without ever meeting them in person.
17. Have you ever been married?:
i dunno if i ever will be
18. Have you ever been divorced?:
puhh
19. Have you ever been in love?:
i thought i was for a quick second then i changed my mind.
20. If so, how many times?:
nope, doesn't count.
21. Have you had sex in the past and regretted it?:
once.
22. Have you fallen in love in the past and regretted it:
nahhh.
23. How old were you when you got your first kiss?:
18. late bloomer, i caught up quick.
24. How old were you when you had sex for the first time?:
19 ... lol.
25. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
nope.
26. Have you ever sexually harassed someone?:
my girlfriends.
27. Have you ever been sexually harassed yourself?:
of course, i'm a teenage girl.
28. Have you ever been jealous of a friend for their boy/girlfriend?:
yea ...
29. Have you ever been jealous of your boy/girlfriend's "close" friend(s)?:
yes.
30. Have you ever been jealous of your boy/girlfriend's ex-?:
yes. i'm really not a jealous person! hahah.
31. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex-?:
NOPE.
32. Have you ever gotten together with a friend's ex?
kinda?
33. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?:
i wish, class would be more interesting.
34. Have you ever been in love with someone so much that you've cried over them?:
i've cried over him but i wasn't in love with him.
35. What's the most affection you deem appropriate for public?:
hand holding.
36. Have/would you ever see(n) an "X"-rated movie?:
i ain't promiscuous.
37. Do you enjoy French-kissing?:
very much!
38. Do you keep a picture of your significant other somewhere?:
about that ... i need to change out one of my picture frames.
39. Would you (honestly) sacrifice your life for your significant other?:
at the time, probably.
40. Have/would you ever use whipped cream, hot wax, et cetera, in a sexual act?:
never have, i hear it gets sticky. i'd do it but probably end up laughing.
41. Do cherries or strawberries have any sexual meaning for you?:
maybe covered in chocolate ...
42. Have you ever dumped someone?:
yea
43. Have you ever been dumped?:
yeaaa
44. Have you ever had your heart broken?:
for a few days.
45. Are you (honestly) afraid of commitment?:
no. i love commitment. i'm afraid of commiting to someone who's not as commited to me.
46. Are you attracted to people with accents?:
boston, austrailian, irish, british accents KILL me. i absolutely love them.
47. Have you ever had sexual relations in public?
lol .. not PUBLIC but people were in the same room ....
48. Do you have a memento from a previous relationship?:
yes. a few.
49. Is there a certain smell, sight, sound, or taste that reminds you of a lover?:
for a fleeting moment. sometimes longer. Leave a comment 13 October 2007 @ 01:33 am (no subject) disregard previous post, i was being dumb. i just meeeees him.
i'm in a wonnnnnnnnnnderful mood that makes being away from him seem even more romantic.
everyone: GO SEE ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.
and if possible, time it so that when you're leaving the theater, it's raining and you get to walk in it and then sing along to the format with your best friend in the car.
nothing but bunches of love and hugs and girlyness tonight :) Leave a comment 12 October 2007 @ 06:58 pm (no subject) how much of a right do i have to be jealous? he's friends with her, they're just gonna hang out and smoke. i hang out with john all the time. when i'm home me and chris are always together. but john has a girlfriend and chris is like my little brother, he's only 17. and i've known them both for a long time. he's only known her for a few months ... i can't help but wonder what her thoughts are. i know nothing will happen, that doesn't mean i have to like it.
although he did pick up on my voice and say i was being distant, as much as that seems like i shouldn't like it, it makes me feel like he knows me better than i thought he did.
UGHHH. being a girl sucks so hard sometimes.
i just want to be close to him, to be able to cuddle and watch movies and be ridiculous together. i don't want him smoking so much and i don't want him hanging out with girls one on one :( and i hate how i sound like such a jealous girlfriend, i'm usually not like this. .... not that i would know really, considering he's technically my first real boyfriend.
only being able to talk to him for 5 minutes a day is taking its toll on me. Leave a comment 12 October 2007 @ 10:30 am (no subject) i feel surprisingly calm today.
i miss him terribly terribly terribly. but knowing he feels the same way makes it easier. i got a 5 minute call from him yesterday morning and didn't hear from him again till around 11pm. i thought he was out or just didn't think to call me, so i was a little depressed. come to find out he was at home all day and just couldn't find the phone :) haha dork. the whole him not having a cell phone thing is growing tired though, i hate having to wait for him to be home to be able to talk to him.
BUT things are going smoothly and i can't waitttt for him to be back here again.
things with friends are at a very weird stage right now.
i miss home and having all my boys around all the time. i'm surrounded by girls down here all the time, and i'm not used to that. it's driving me a little crazy. i have matt but it's not the same as having scotty twaek and james around. those are my BOYS. they get it. well .... with james it tends to get a little awkward. but we think so much alike it's ridiculous. or just being home around the aca boys, going to shows with anna and kimmi. i miss it a LOT. a lot a lot a lot.
i really need a good show i think. i have think pent up .. frustration? it's not exactly anger. just something i need to let out. i'm way excited for big d and the syg shows, they'll both be high energy and thats what i need. i'm looking forward to christmas break already and hangin with the homies. i'm so tired of these pointless coversations. all anyone down here cares about is OMG SHE SAID THIS and HE DID THAT and SHE'S SUCH A SLUT and all this high school bullshit. i can't handle it. that's part of the reason i'm not so into drinking anymore, i can't take the mindless babble that goes with it and the constant "game" at every party of who can get laid first. every time sarah has a party i hide in her room because the things that go on are just DUMB. everyone has a fake persona and EVERYONE has an agenda. it really is kill or be killed.
ah. but for now i'm trying to focus on school. i need to start working out more. i need to meet some people too. just someone with something interesting to say. i'm really excited to start work too. hopefully that brings some new people into my life.
i also need to think of a halloween costume. something extremely not sexy. not that i ever do sexy very well. i just don't take myself seriously enough to pretend that i think i am. maybe i'll be a banana. or alex trebek. YES. (not that you're not sexy, alex, if you ever stumble across this post .... ahem.) Leave a comment 20 September 2007 @ 02:14 am (no subject) much much much much much has changed since last we met.
we are still togetherrrrr :) :) :)
and i really couldn't be happier. we do well on the phone, i didn't think we would since neither of us are phone people.
he came to visit me, and i get to go home in less than two weeks and cuddle in his bed again.
that part of my life is easy, for now. everything else is falling into place, except for one thing that seems to be constantly on the verge of falling apart.
she's leaving for bootcamp supposedly in january, if not sooner. this has turned into the weirdest friendship i've ever had. at first, being in constant contact with her was exactly what i needed. after jeff died, her midnight phone calls honestly kept me going. if she hadn't been there, i don't think i would be here now. there were some extremely low points. and then throughout our first year of college, we both hated it and needed each other. i was seriously depressed and barely knew it; she was homesick yet felt forced to stay out there. we were alone and had each other to confide in. i think we both put each other so high in our minds, as if the other could do nothing wrong. we helped each other SO much. and then came summer.
i knew that we had changed, but i didn't think that meant we would be different towards each other. but things weren't right. the girl i had never fought with i now found myself in arguments with all the time. i felt isolated and alienated most of the summer. things got better with everyone but her. no matter how much we talked about it, it always came down to the fact that we couldn't talk without fighting. and yet we still talked SO MUCH.
i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i still love her just as much as always. but i don't need her in the same way that i once did. we have a different kind of friendship now, but she still treats it the old way. this is what happens, she tries to force something that just idoesn't/i work. thats what i told her all summer, and she looked at it as me giving up on our friendships. i just needed a little room to breathe, and maybe things wouldn't be so fucked up now.
i honestly feel like she's my girlfriend instead of a best friend. like i'm obligated to call her every night. normal friendships aren't like this. and i don't know what to do about it. she's going to leave and i don't know how our friendship will be when she comes home. it's such a weird feeling. maybe this is me breaking away, dealing with her leaving and also gaining independence for the first time in my life. but i just feel so apathetic towards the whole situation most of the time. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
ughhhh.
on another note, i have the worst sunburn i've ever had in my life and my stomach is peeeeeeeeeeeling. it's not a pretty sight. i've been hoping for rain as well but all i get is sun. i've been keeping myself busy stenciling and watching old laguna beach episodes. it's nice to escape into somebody else's drama for a bit. all other things are good. ashley and i get along great, i talked to kesh for two hours tonight and i haven't REALLY cried in over a month.
i'm also thinking about chopping my hair off, or making good on my threat to shave my head. i'm into the element of surprise lately. Current Music: ben folds Leave a comment 08 August 2007 @ 01:31 am (no subject) i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come i don't want thursday to come
i hate the fact that i know now why i was mean to him. why do i push people away? dumb question. more like, WHY DO PEOPLE PUT UP WITH ME
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ASGJHKFGSAHLKFJUHSLIUEYGF()@EUWDFHGJKHSV
ughhhh my thoughts are so jumbled. i want to stay with him. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
i don't want thursday to come. Leave a comment 04 August 2007 @ 02:48 am (no subject) why.
does he make this so much harder than it has to be.
if he wants us to break up, he could at least be an asshole to me.
instead of sending me adorable text messages and making plans to meet for lunch. Leave a comment 03 August 2007 @ 12:23 am everything that i can't bring myself to say to you when you're right in front of me:
you have the best bottom lip of anyone i've ever seen
i still get nervous before every time i see you
i hate not telling my friends about you
i love holding your hand
you make me WANT sex. you're definitely the first boy that can say that.
i love the way you kiss my cheek
and my forehead
and my fingers
... and my neck.
i love love love your smile.
i sleep so much better when i'm all wrapped up in you.
i cried on the way home today.
i don't want to leave you. i want to be selfish and i want you to say we can stay together.i want to try to make it work. i want to be able to come home to you and buy you birthday and christmas presents and have you over for dinner.
i want you to have faith in me, because i have no faith in anyone.
i want you to think we can do it.
if you think we can, i'll think we can too.
i hate this place we're at. everything is so perfect, and it's about to all be shattered into a million pieces. and we're just gonna watch and let it happen. FUCKASLKJHDFALKJDSHAL i knew this was coming and its still hitting me harder than i thought it would.
i didn't mean to like him this much. Leave a comment 01 August 2007 @ 12:45 am (no subject) he makes me feel worthwhile.
(tonight, there were no pauses) Leave a comment go earlier viewing most recent entries
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