OK2TALK

Time 2020-10-14 09:06:17

Web Name: OK2TALK

WebSite: http://ok2talk.org

ID:81604

Keywords:

OK2TALK,

Description:

End The StigmaI went through my early years of childhood as a creative articulate young man. I was a soft spoken, mild mannered kid. By the age of 6 I could look at the clouds and give a accurate estimate of the weather.i was reading at an 9th grade level in 4th grade. I demonstrated my gift by scoring a perfect score on the end of the year standardized test setting the standard of excellence to my peers. Again showing my exceptional intelligence in 8th by scoring the highest on an reading competency test called the sri. in around 9th grade i began to have difficulty sustaining my attention and became easily distracted the teachers then persuaded my mother to seek treatment for adhd. My mother made an appointment with a nurse practitioner and 3 appointments later i was given a diagnosis of adhd and sent home with a pocket full of Ritalin. 2 trails of different medications later i started to enter a new realm what was this realm u ask? It was psychosis a unfamiliar and scary realm. As i deteriorated I began to stop bathing showing little emotion became convinced my food was poisoned and I heard a little girl crying I heard whispers and I also rarely got a full nights sleep. then after 2 months of this my mom sought help I was then referred to a psychiatrist by my pediatrician she told my mom it was the high doses of stimulants that was triggering the psychosis. After 3 months of stimulant free treatment and a trial of zoloft for anxiety i still remained in the throws of psychosis i decided to attained my sisters church. I can t quit remember what the pastor said but it was pertaining to God s eternal judgment. I then formulated the idea that I was haunted by demons and God was punishing me so in my mind the logical thing to do was to carve a cross in my arm. I stayed the night with two of my friends about 3 days later and they looked up the symptoms of schizophrenia and tried to convince me that I was battling it i refused to accept this fact my friend then made me go home i became very upset. Upon arrival of my moms house I noticed that she was watching football. now this was unusual for my mom for she usually only watched soap opera then In An instant a voice spoke very briefly IMPOSTER! I then became convinced that she was an imposter from the government that was hired to kill me from then till the time that I ended up 3 miles across a nearby by highway is unaccounted for. I then exited the break with only mild symptoms of psychosis. that following Monday my mom took me to my psychiatrist and I was hospitalized and sent home on an antipsychotic. Then for the next year most of my time would be spent in and out of hospitals I was given a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I took an iq test and only scored average I felt like my creativity and genius was gone i thought I had lost the battle to this unstoppable monster that is psychosis. I am now 17 and I am about to graduate and start college my intellectual abilities have returned I am now creative as ever and I am able to express a full range of emotions I do accredit part of my recovery to the medication but most of it is due my friends and support system. Recovery is possible STOP THE STIGMA Behind My SmileBehind my smileBehind my smile is more depth then most my age can imagine. Behind my smile is fear, depression and anxiety. Behind my smile is exhaustion from smiling to make you feel better and more comfortable. Behind my I ve got this, don t worry is crippling thoughts of failure and worst case scenario thinking and visions. Behind my, I m doing good, how are you? is I m having a really hard day, week, month, year and past 5 years. Behind my I m ok or I m fine is I m not ok or fine I m really struggling but do you really want to know or are you asking because it s common place. Behind my top performance is countless nights of no sleep and racing thoughts of what am I missing and how can I do better and how have I messed up. A small mistake for me is if I crashed a plane and it will never be forgotten. Mostly by me. I carry it with my through the rest of my work trying to do better and continuing to make other small mistakes that many don t even notice or care about. Behind my smile is loneliness and an inability to connect and be in the present moment. It is days of not taking a shower because it simply feels like too much work. It is multiple nights of frozen pizza, take out and dirty dishes piling up living in my own filth. Behind my smile is a desire to speak freely without judgement or backlash. A thought to be nice and polite while I silently sir suffering of discomfort and unease. Behind my smile is a young girl lost in an adult world wishing she could play in her room and pick flowers in the field. But has to be professional and on top of her game which wasn t what it was 10 years ago. It is forgetting or completely blanking or drifting off into outer space or another galaxy. Behind my smile is a desire to smile from my heart and laugh from my belly as I once did and seem to no longer find with ease. Behind my smile is tongue biting and carefully choosing every word. Behind my smile is sadness that aches from the bones and the soul. Behind my smile is a cry for help which will never be heard because I had behind my smile to the common person. I m fortunate enough to have a team of psychiatrists therapist and family and friends as my support network. I encourage you to stop smiling, ask for help and remove your mask and let your true self shine. You re more beautiful than you ll ever know. I am Shannon. I have also been living with a bipolar diagnosis since 2007 and depression and anxiety since well into my middle school years before 2000. In high school I recognized my symptoms of depression and wrote a letter to my mom asking for help. I ve seen a therapist for 18 years and will continue to talk with a therapist the rest of my life as I fight for my health and well being. Please Let My Story Help!Without knowing I ve been level 1 bi polar since about 14 years old. I was not properly diagnosed till 35. All the time between I was trying to hold on and create a normal life. I succeeded and failed equally. In order to hang on I would self medicate which made things worse.My end game event was when my soon to be step daughter passed away. It broke me in half mentally and physically. It eventually tore my ex fianc and I apart due to our sorrow and pain.So, at that point I tried to end things. I was literally about 7 minutes away from death, but was somehow saved. Since then I ve been diagnosed with PTSD, TD, and borderline personality disorder to add to the bi polar.I live a limited life, but I say all of this to show others that there is hope. Ending things is never the real answer even though it feels like it is as times. I should not be here at all. Since I am that means it s because I m supposed to help other s make it.When you feel there is no hope then that is the point you need to come here and find it!I love you all and you are all worth being here!

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