Amy Dickinson

Time 2020-11-20 05:03:53

Web Name: Amy Dickinson

WebSite: http://amydickinson.com

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Wake up and smell the yard signs! Amy Dickinson2 November, 2020Dear Amy: My neighbor Joe and I are friendly political rivals.Joe is a liberal Democrat, while I am a conservative Republican.There is no animosity between us. We each have lawn signs supporting our preferred candidates.The problem is that Joe s daughter refuses to bring his grandchildren to visit while I am displaying my sign.Joe has asked me to take down my sign so that his daughter will bring the children over.I have agreed to do so, if he will take down his signs, as well.Joe has agreed to do so, but his daughter will also NOT visit if he takes down his signs.My stand is that we both display, or we both take down.I am willing to compromise, but not capitulate.Am I being unreasonable? DonDear Don: You and Joe are geniuses. Joe s daughter, however not so much.What a missed opportunity for her to point out to her children that neighbors can be on opposite sides, politically, and still be friends!But of course, she does not want her children to learn this valuable lesson.Her rejection of your and her father s completely fair (and balanced!) compromise to her demand is a reflection of her limited capacities, and I can assume that her father is very disappointed.Dear Amy: My soon-to-be father-in-law Carl, decided to cast his vote for Donald Trump because, as he said: I think I will be able to retire more quickly with Trump s stock market. I teach at a university and my specialty is race and diasporic studies.My Ph.D. is in African/African Diasporic studies, and I am flummoxed because after Carl s proclamation, my partner s family has decided it isn t worthwhile to have a discussion with him because he is going to do whatever he is going to do.I find this utterly untenable. I think Carl needs a serious wakeup call to the racial, social, and health issues that are at stake, and further, I think someone should let him know how selfish he is being. I get along well with him and I have been with my partner for six years, so it s not like I am new to the family dynamic.My question is, even if my fianc doesn t think it s worth it, can I still contact Carl and make my case? Frustrated Future Daughter-in-lawDear Frustrated: You should absolutely go for it and take it upon yourself to educate your future father-in-law on the subject of your Ph.D. studies.But, before you do, it might be helpful for you to understand that someone who claims he is voting only about the stock market and his retirement package is not likely to acknowledge that anything else is important to this country, because it is not important enough to him.I think it would also be useful to acknowledge what you no doubt already know: that this country will continue to struggle, strive, and move in sometimes unfortunately violent fits and starts toward a new racial understanding, whether or not Carl is enlightened. This is happening right under his nose, even if his head is currently in the sand, and will continue to happen, no matter how he votes.No one in Carl s family is specifically asking you not to engage with him; I infer that they are implicitly trying to tell you what I am trying to tell you, that your words might be wasted and your effort unappreciated.But yes, my opinion is that you should do your darndest to urge Carl into a more enlightened understanding of racial issues. However, branding him as selfish because he has decided to vote along his own narrow metric wouldn t be helpful. When you are trying to engage and educate someone, criticizing their character will usually inspire them to close the door to further conversation. Sometimes, you just need to Keep Moving Amy Dickinson29 October, 2020Dear Amy: I have a friend who is going through a really rough patch in her life; she s facing possible divorce.She s in therapy and marriage counseling, but she s experiencing sadness and mental anguish, and is worried about the future.She claims she s not suffering from depression, but I m not so sure.As her friend I m trying to be supportive and understanding; I listen to her, try not to give advice, but instead just be supportive and remind her that she has friends and family who love her and will stand by her no matter what.I try and remind her of the joys in life and encourage her to take a mental break now and then. I also offer to hang out with her (the lockdown has added to her stress) to take a breather from her home situation, but she almost always declines.Is there anything else I can do to support her through this dark time? Worried FriendDear Worried Friend: I shared your letter with poet Maggie Smith, whose wonderful new book: Keep Moving: Notes on Loss, Creativity, and Change (2020, Atria/One Signal) would be a good gift for your friend.Here s Maggie s response: You re already doing the most important thing: showing up. You re listening, offering support, not imposing your own solutions. What made the biggest difference for me during my divorce was stability from others when I felt the ground shifting beneath me. This unwavering support took many forms: phone calls, supportive texts, regular dinners that were on the calendar the same day each month (and therefore harder for me to cancel), spontaneous walks when I was feeling frazzled. I didn t need anyone to fix it for me; I just needed people to be with me through it. Your friend is going through an extremely destabilizing experience in an already destabilizing time. I picture divorce as the center of a Venn Diagram where so many circles of feeling overlap: sadness and grief for the life you had; fear and insecurity about the future; guilt about not being able to fix it. And that s without a pandemic! She may or may not be depressed, but she is certainly grief-stricken and reeling. It s normal to feel heartbroken when your heart s been broken. It s also normal to pull away, because you feel like you won t be good company, like you are a burden. Be patient with her. Let her know she doesn t need to cheer up for you: she can feel however she s feeling for as long as she needs to, and you re not going anywhere. Above all: even if you have to physically keep your distance because of the pandemic, keep showing up. Be a constant in a sea of overwhelming variables. Be a soft place for her to land. I ll add my voice to Maggie s. During my own losses, people who have been able to simply dwell with me in my own worst moments have given me what I needed most. Husband speaks Welsh. Wife says: Na Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 20 years (married for 12). He is from the UK (Wales).When we visit his relatives and friends in Wales, everyone is kind enough to speak English while I am in the room (Welsh is their native language).When we are in the States, my husband speaks to his family and friends frequently on the phone always in Welsh.I find this rude, and when I mentioned it, he said he was not talking about me and that therefore it shouldn t bother me.I often hear my name mentioned in his conversations and although I am sure it is not malicious, I am still uncomfortable as he babbles on in his native language.Is it too much to ask that he speak English while I am present and in my own house? What is the etiquette for these types of situations? Not from WalesDear Not from Wales: If someone can speak multiple languages, it is most polite to speak the language of the more linguistically limited speaker in the room. But this is Welsh!If your husband was a Spanish speaker, he would have many opportunities to speak his native language in many different contexts, outside the home. Welsh, however dim cymaint (not so much)!Welsh is one of the oldest spoken languages in Europe, and, outside of Wales, it is extremely rare to hear it. (My research for your question revealed that there are only about 2,000 known Welsh speakers in the United States many of them, curiously, living in Florida.) Furthermore, the language was in danger of dying out altogether until concentrated national efforts in Wales have resulted in something of a revival.Your husband is not being deliberately rude. I think he is trying to communicate with his landsmen using expressions that are unique to a very small population. He is seeking a sort of verbal cwtch (a comforting hug). In doing so, he is also defying centuries of English cultural and language dominance (and often, outright oppression).There are many Welsh primers available to study the language. I have also checked a popular language-learning app; Welsh is one of the languages they offer for instruction. It would serve multiple purposes for you to become conversant, and I hope you will. (I just finished my first lesson so lechyd da! ) Wife worries about husband s COVID-19 drama 6 April, 2020by Amy DickinsonDear Amy: I live in a small town in Tennessee. I love my wonderful husband, but lately he is being too dramatic about COVID-19. He reminds me five times a day to wash my hands. He is also putting disinfectant wipes in my car.Amy, I know to wash my hands, and I am not that bothered by him putting wipes in my car.What really bothers me is that he is telling me to sleep in a different room than him! We have been happily married for 16 years, and we have always slept in the same bed even when one of us was sick.He is telling me to wear rubber gloves when I cook meals for us. He s telling me not to leave the house.In my opinion, everybody is making too big a deal about COVID-19.Is my husband overreacting? Frustrated in TennesseeDear Frustrated: You seem to be under-reacting. This could be why your husband is so anxious about your and his hygiene and health. Your own attitude and behavior could be influencing an over-correction on his part.This is from the (informative) Centers for Disease Control and Prevention'swebsite (CDC.gov): The virus is thought to spread mainly from person-to-person, between people who are in close contact with one another (within about 6 feet). As of this writing, the virus has not swept through your region. Perhaps you will get lucky, and it will somehow diminish before it gets to you.Where I live, people are not leaving their houses. The entire region is locked down. The mere act of getting into a car and going somewhere nonessential seems like a far-off prospect.You have the individual right to be lax, or foolish. You could get lucky and not get this virus. Or you could contract the virus and not have symptoms, so you would never know it.You don t have the right to potentially expose other people with impunity.Do I think you should necessarily wear rubber gloves while you prepare dinner? No.But if your husband was confident that you washed your hands and had washed surfaces you d touched, he might not freak out quite so much. (He can also make dinner, by the way ).Bottom line: if you took this more seriously, your husband might feel more comfortable sleeping with you. It s time for you to dial in to the reality of what is happening. Don t just react with annoyance to your husband. Talk to him about his anxieties and see if you can approach this menace as a loving team. Woman doesn t want to match or mix By Amy Dickinson1 April, 2020Dear Amy: I am an average-attractive single woman who lives in a big city.I am frequently approached by men of other races that flirt with me and try to get my phone number.How do I tell them I am not interested without offending them? I stick to my own kind. No ThanksNo Thanks: It is fairly easy to say, No thank you. But if you truly want to repel these interested men, you could tell them the truth: No offense, but I m a racist. They should leave you alone after that. My at-home guide to coloring your gray roots! So peeps I m no beauty expert, but I do in fact keep my hair (mainly) chestnut brown by dyeing it at home. I ve created a video demonstrating various products and showing you how I handle this task at home.The video linked below was filmed by me at my house. It s a little over 8 minutes long.Come for the demonstration, but stay for the jokes!!XO AMYhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyfmiB9ufUs Hi Amy, I read your column everyday, but you messed up your answer to Wondering about social distancing. They should not be going to restaurants, here all non essential services have been shut down including restaurants, malls, stores and bars. Maintain 6 feet of distance between you and everyone else, including the line at the grocery store. Plexiglass has been installed between cashiers and patrons in our grocery stores. Do not go out unless you have to, just not touching someone is NOT enough Asked by theweimlady Thank you my columns are written and filed two weeks in advance. When I wrote it, the advice was appropriate to our situation. There is no way to hasten my publication schedule, unfortunately. Next week I am running an essay and a disclaimer explaining this unfortunate lag-time to readers. Thank you for reading and understanding. Transgender people ask: Please call me by my name 20 February, 2020Amy DickinsonDear Readers: Like all of you, I am curious about how things turn out after I publish a question.The following two letters are responses to a recent question from a college sophomore who signed his letter Embarrassed. Dear Amy: I ve been reading your column since I was a little kid.Last month, I decided to ask you my own question.As a transgender man, I was confused and embarrassed during the Thanksgiving holiday that my parents persisted in calling me by the female name they assigned to me at birth.I thought I would let you know how things turned out when I returned home for Christmas.I knew my family loved me, but it felt like they weren t recognizing something that is a deep and personal part of me.My experience with gender identity is like this: I was born wearing an itchy, scratchy sweater. I didn t like it. But I looked around and I saw everyone who looked like me was wearing their sweaters, and I had certainly never heard of anyone taking off or wearing different sweaters. After all, I had been given this! It was a gift!In high school, I would wake up at 4:30 a.m. to meticulously put on makeup, so I could look feminine enough to feel passable. I was so unhappy.I began using a masculine nickname. My parents hated it. But to me, it felt right. I finally found a sweater that fit me, and I was ecstatic.I came out to my parents. Cut my hair short. Began looking and dressing how I wanted. I look like the young man that I am.During my visits home, my parents have persisted in introducing me to others by my dead name the female name I had growing up.I don t think cisgender people can really understand what it feels like to be called the wrong name. I wouldn t wish this feeling on anyone.Your advice was to face the issue with compassion and humor. You explained that my parents were also going through a transition, but because they didn t live in my body, they were experiencing it differently than I was.This made visiting home for Christmas easier. I could laugh it off, which made other people laugh, and ultimately avoided that awkwardness of correcting people. My go-to phrase now is: I m a man, just a soprano. The confidence and kindness I ve been able to exude has helped to ease the tension.When you re trans, some people seem to act as though you are both the killer and the slain. Helping my family to understand that I have not killed their daughter and sister is one of the hardest things I have to do. But armed with resources, humor and love, they re slowly starting to realize that their son and brother has always been here he was just wearing the wrong sweater. JustinDear Justin: Your original question touched me deeply; your generous and helpful response touches me even more.Your parents did a very good job. They raised a kind, brave and resilient son.I m happy to call you by your name.Dear Amy: I had tears running down my cheeks while reading the letter from Embarrassed, a college sophomore and transgender man.My transgender daughter came home for Thanksgiving and came out to me.I am not living her life, so I have no idea what she is going through, but she is happy. And that is all I want for her. Help me please, because I keep messing up. I keep referring to her using the pronoun he instead of she. It just flies from my mouth, as it has for 22 years.I want to kick myself because I know it upsets her. I am trying to train myself to use the correct pronoun, but I find myself avoiding conversation because I see the pain in her face when I get things wrong.I am so proud of her. I love her and I want to use the right pronoun. My other children correct me, and I appreciate that, but I feel so ignorant.Can you help me to use the correct pronoun? Embarrassed MomDear Mom: You just used the correct pronoun all the way through your question.Don t avoid communicating. Ask your daughter to be patient with you.While she is away at school, look at her picture, follow her on social media (if possible), practice seeing her in this new way, and continue to love her just as she is. Transgender man faces awkward family holiday By Amy Dickinson9 January 2020Dear Amy: I m a college sophomore. I came out to my parents as a transgender man a few months back. Since I don t live at home, this hasn t been much of an issue; but recently when I went home for Thanksgiving, both of my parents introduced me to their friends as their daughter.I m a man, and I look like one. There s always visible confusion on these people s faces, and for the most part I ve just let it slide, but it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.Should I correct my folks in the moment, or simply reintroduce myself later? The Christmas season means I ll be home again, and that means meeting more people. EmbarrassedDear Embarrassed: Talk to your parents about this. Tell them how you want to be addressed. If you have changed your first name, make sure they understand that it is easier on you and others if they introduce you this way.You have been living in your body during your transition, but your parents haven t physically been with you and are still anchored to the person they raised as a daughter.Just as every transition is different for every individual, loved ones sometimes struggle with the loss they associate with this change. Your folks may worry about you and feel guilty about the pain you might have been feeling, pre-transition. Help them to understand that this is liberating and beautiful for you. Assume that they will adjust to this change, just as you have - in sometimes awkward stages.Because you have chosen to be home for the holidays, I m going to assume that your family is flawed, like all families, but loving at its core.Glaad.org has some helpful information that your folks might use about how to become an ally to transgendered people. Share these tips (and any other information) with them.If you face your family relationships with honesty, grace, forgiveness and humor, you might lead the way toward a new way of behaving and relating. This is a big lift for a young person, but you know who you are and now you can show the world.If a botched introduction leads to confusion, you can say, I m a transgender man. We re all adjusting. Please, call me Carlo. I m very happy to see you, and Merry Christmas! In short, simply be you. The holiday s aren t quite over. Here are some ideas for year-end giving. Amy Dickinson30 December, 2019Dear Readers: Many of us are now in the recovery mode of the holiday season after gorging on gingerbread and eggnog and letting the glitter of the season release us from December s gloom. In the spirit of the season, I present my annual roundup of charitable organizations readers should consider supporting.Your donation may go farther at a small local nonprofit than at a large charity. All contributions count. So do non-monetary acts of kindness, such as shoveling a neighbor s walk, fostering or adopting an animal, bringing a casserole to a grieving person, or simply abiding with someone in need.This is a subjective list, based on my own interests. Your own giving should reflect your interests and values. Most (but not all) of the organizations listed below have a top (four-star) rating on Charitynavigator.org, which is an excellent source for researching a nonprofit.Charities Helping Children: The mission and the work of Cradles to Crayons (cradlestocrayons.org) is simple: to provide the physical necessities of childhood. From clothing, to equipment and supplies, this organization takes in donations, offers community volunteer experiences, and distributes goods from their network of warehouses.Dolly Parton. Need I say more? This hero-entertainer is providing over a million books each month to children through her Imagination Library (imaginationlibrary.com). Quite simply, she is a force for good in the world: (dollywoodfoundation.org).Kids in Need Foundation (kinf.org): Their motto is School supplies. Changing lives, and they donate school supplies nationally to school (and kids) in need. Children who do not have the tools (pens, crayons, notebooks, backpacks) cannot do the work.College Track (collegetrack.org): This organization starts assisting students in ninth grade, making a 10-year commitment to provide services and scholarship money to students who otherwise would not be able to attend college. Being the first member of a family to attend college will change a family s future.Horatio Alger Association (horatioalger.org): Last year I was honored as a distinguished American by this scholarship organization. Not bad for a farm kid who grew up in a single-parent household. I would not have made it to or through college without scholarship help, and it is the honor of my lifetime to give back through this organization that provides scholarships to thousands of students each year.American Indian College Fund (collegefund.org): This is the country s largest charity supporting Native access to higher education. I am a supporter.Direct Relief (directrelief.org): This organization, which has a storied history, operates in all 50 states and 70 countries, delivering medicine, staffing medical clinics and providing medical safety nets to underserved populations. Founded in California after World War II by an immigrant, the mission was spread by other immigrants who took up the cause. Operations range from serving in Syria to the survivors of Hurricane Dorian in the Bahamas.International Rescue Committee (rescue.org): Founded in 1933 at the request of Albert Einstein, the IRC delivers lifesaving care to people fleeing conflict and natural disaster. The IRC worked to resettle refugees in Europe dislocated from conflict in World War II, and their work continues around the world. IRC helps people in crisis and continues the hard work through refugee resettlement.Polaris (polarisproject.org): I first became aware of the work of Polaris through a family member s advocacy. Human trafficking is modern slavery, and victims are often vulnerable people who are coerced, dislocated and then forced into slavery often in the sex trade. Victims of trafficking are sometimes in our midst, at bus stops, motels and truck stops. Law enforcement, clerks and long-haul truckers are now being trained in ways to spot and rescue these individuals. Victims can text BeFree (233733) and be connected with an advocate.World Central Kitchen (wck.org): Founder and chef Jose Andres and his teams of cooks bring their mobile kitchens with food supplies and water anywhere and everywhere, serving storm or disaster-ravaged populations and first responders.Homes for Our Troops (Hfotusa.org): One of my perennial favorites, this group raises money and then turns the funds into action building a new home or adapting an existing home for accessibility. The finished home is then given to a disabled veteran. All services and materials are donated.Travis Mills Foundation: (travismills.org): Travis Mills is a retired soldier who became a quadruple amputee as the result of an IED explosion in Afghanistan. Mills, whose motto is Never give up. Never quit, refers to himself as a recalibrated warrior, guiding other warriors and their families toward their own recalibration at a storybook property in northern Maine. Their work is truly inspiring. This year, put a book on every bed! 18 December, 2019Dear Readers: This is a special day for me, because this is the day I take a break from hosting your questions to advocate for a cause that is very near and dear to me: literacy.In my long career as a writer and reader, I have volunteered in classrooms, libraries and prisons, reading with others and sharing the work of writers important in my own life. I do so in honor of my late mother, Jane, who passed along to me her own love of reading and writing first as a young child on our somewhat isolated dairy farm, and later as adults, when we shared books and letters back and forth, sometimes over great distances. This is a legacy I continue to happily share through the many books I recommend in this space, and the two memoirs I have written.What I learned from my mother s life lesson is that when you have a book, you are never alone. Literacy imparts real power, and this is especially important for people who feel powerless.The magic of literacy can happen at any time, but it is especially important in childhood. Reading helps a young child s brain develop and mature. Reading for pleasure is a lifelong gift of entertainment and learning.Today, in memory of my mother on her birthday, I joyfully share a simple idea that adults can easily adopt to give the children in their lives the gift my mother gave to me, by putting a book on every bed. Celebrate the giving seasonHere s what to do: On Christmas morning or New Year s Day (or whatever holiday you celebrate), make sure that each child in your household wakes up to a wrapped book at the foot of their bed. The gift could be a new book or an old favorite from your own childhood.After the child unwraps the book, the most important aspect of this gift is unveiled, when the parent sits and shares it with the child. The sad fact is that more than a third of families in the United States do not regularly share books with their young children. Starting a celebration morning by reading together will forge an unforgettable intimacy for both the child and the parent.This year I am partnering with Children s Reading Connection, a national early literacy initiative founded in my hometown of Ithaca, N.Y. The organization s advocacy focuses on the importance of helping families to share books with babies and children. Even babies too young to talk tune in, in a deep and abiding way, when they are held and read to.This is an important prescription for health and success in growing brains and sharing a book is a wonderful way for families to connect. Every year I hear from teachers, librarians, church groups, parents and grandparents who tell me they have adopted the book on every bed tradition in their homes. I can think of no nicer way to kick off a busy Christmas morning than by snuggling up with a book before opening other gifts.Reading is a beautiful liberationAs a literacy advocate (and huge fan of libraries), I am inspired by the career and legacy of the US Librarian of Congress, Dr. Carla Hayden, who is the first woman and the first African American to hold this august post. Dr. Hayden emphasizes how important it is for young readers to identify with and be inspired by characters, as she was as a child: Literacy is the ticket to learning, opportunity and empowerment. It s important that children see themselves in the books they read. It s become commonplace to say that books are windows to a world of imagination and creativity, but books should also be a mirror to their readers. Marguerite de Angeli s Bright April allowed me to see myself in a book a young girl who was a brownie with pigtails and it inspired me that anything was possible. Closing the literacy gap in childhood starts with having books in households, and with children being read to.Writer and illustrator Peter Reynolds says, Picture books are wisdom dipped in art and words. His book, The Word Collector (2018, Orchard Books), is a great read-along book for an early reader. The book s engaging and lively young hero, Jerome, finds and collects words everywhere he goes.Spread and share literacy in your own wayParents and caregivers can put a book on every bed in their own households; you can also help to spread the cause of literacy by generously sharing this idea in your own community. For families who celebrate through service projects, I suggest adopting a local classroom or day-care center and providing a book for each child.To learn more, and to share your own literacy story, go to childrensreadingconnection.org or my own Facebook page: facebook.com/ADickinsonDaily.

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