Actual Conversations With My Husband

Time 2020-12-14 06:03:26

Web Name: Actual Conversations With My Husband

WebSite: http://actualconversationswithmyhusband.com

ID:133539

Keywords:

Conversations,Actual,With,

Description:

Two years ago I gave you a list of gift ideas for hard-to-shop-for people in your life; this is a whole-ass category on many shopping sites, but they’re just trying to shift their stainless steel toothpicks and massager/mp3 player combos.  My list was—somewhat uniquely, I think—for the people in your life who are hard to shop for because you wish you didn’t have to buy a gift for them.This year is a little different, isn’t it?  I mean, I don’t know about you but my list has gotten shorter this year for a couple of reasons; usually we buy for our nearest and dearest but this year our dearest are not so near, and our nearest are quarantining (so no thoughtful, handmade gifts at personal exchanges).I am also acutely aware that we are in an uncommon situation this year, in that we have not had our income reduced or lost entirely, and our expenses have remained more or less stable.  Too many people[1] are not so fortunate and, since my sympathy is useless, I will instead extend the promise that none of these gift suggestions are necessary[2] and most are well within whatever budget your gifting circle sets.[3]  I will also be emphasizing amazon purchases and other options that don’t involve you having to wrap, carry a package to the post office, and pay for shipping.  Because I love you and want you to stay inside with a mug of cocoa.  Go ahead and add a generous splash of RumChata—you’ve earned it.With all that said, here are my gift ideas for those odd ducks on your list.  Because while you already know who wants a new ugly sweater and who needs a PS5,[4] what about… Don t stop now keep reading! My son is in Afghanistan and St Louis has lost bar and restaurant privileges, making this the saddest Thanksgiving ever.But you can’t do anything about either of those things, and I’m sure you’re full up of people pointing out that 2020 is an unending parade of suck.So.Who wants to hear about the new love of my life?I said the new one. Don t stop now keep reading!HIM:  Yeah… we didn’t get candy but—ME:  No, honey.  The point is that it’s Halloween and I didn’t know.HIM:  … Yeah.ME:  God damn, this year is just a fucking void.HIM:  (nods reassuringly)Right, so clearly I’ve gone and gotten distracted again.  But you forgive me because that’s how this relationship works… and also because I’m not really offering you an option. Don t stop now keep reading! So a thing has been happening lately and I need to tell y’all about it so you can tell me if I’m overreacting or if this is indeed Weird and Disturbing.Also: seriously, you look great.  Is that a new outfit? Don t stop now keep reading! Because 2020 is the worst ever, it took me way too long to notice some things were falling by the wayside.Don’t get me wrong; the animals in my house were living their best lives, I became more invested in environmental concerns, started saving and investing more smartly, and became altogether a better citizen of the world.The fact that my hair was limp and tangled, my skin dull, and my waistline expanding were problems for Future Me.[1]Then, one perfectly ordinary day, I’d had enough.  I decided, in my usual way, to back myself into a corner.  I set an alarm every day for 11am and called it “Self Care.”  This, for those who are unfamiliar with the concept, is a reminder to do the things I need to do to take care of… myself.  Some days the most I can manage is to brush my teeth and put clothes on before I slouch off to feed and snuggle all the animals who need feeding or snuggling before falling down a rabbit hole of internet research on what’s wrong with me and how I’m failing to Human.  Other days I manage such feats as showering and washing my hair and applying a face mask or painting my nails or some other act of True Pampering. Don t stop now keep reading! Since I would never keep you in suspense, you already know exactly what will be revealed in this post, right?Right!I would never, for example, ramble on about something only tangentially related to the topic of which hellishly dangerous place the US Army has decided to send my one and only child, the apple of my eye, my beating heart outside my body.… But it did remind me of another thing… Don t stop now keep reading! Husband, like many fortunate people right now, is working from home.Sorry.  Husband is “working” from home.I say “working” because more than half the time I wander back to check on him he’s playing Civ and checking his email periodically.  He’s stopped alt-tabbing when I walk in, which just goes to show how comfortable he is with this level of slack.  That said, everyone else must be playing Fortnite in their underoos all day because he just got an unscheduled raise “in appreciation for his hard work and initiative during the quarantine.”Will someone please get me a job where I can take meetings without pants and play video games in between emails explaining why the customer is a moron?If only I’d gotten an engineering degree, right? Don t stop now keep reading! I just made the decision to bow out of my haunt this year.I know, it was tough.  My haunt is one of the few that’s still opening this season but with significantly reduced staff, new regulations, and they’re telling anyone who is immunocompromised or has any respiratory issues not to come back this season.  Since I am: A) a person with less than stellar lungs[1] and B) a person whose skin does not react well to trapped moisture,[2] I could only lie to myself for so long, pretending it would be totally safe to work this season.So now I’m sat here, in July, already mourning Halloween. Don t stop now keep reading!

TAGS:Conversations Actual With 

<<< Thank you for your visit >>>

Hot Websites