Hello Kitty Hell

Read moreHello Knitty

There is nothing worse than when a Hello Kitty fanatic is about to have a birthday. That’s because the fanatic is expecting a gift, and the expectation is that you will get her a gift covered with images of the evil feline all over it. It’s really a no-win situation in every respect. If you buy what she wants, then you drive yourself further into the depths of Hello Kitty Hell. If you don’t buy what she wants, then you will suffer the consequences of hearing daily for the entirety of 2015 about how much happier she would have been if you would have just bought her that Hello Kitty diamond ring she wanted…

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So, my worst nightmares are coming true in far too many ways (more on that in the coming days). The fact that the people at Sanrio have come to the conclusion it’s time to release a dedicated Hello Kitty brand for men certainly isn’t making these nightmares any less frightening. Apparently, they believe there’s a body of men who still don’t have a “preconceived idea” of the evil feline that associates it with little girls. They also think an image with a male model with a huge cartoon bow across his face to advertise the new brand is somehow going to appeal to someone with even a bit of sanity (granted, they are working with a customer base who will buy absolutely anything, so they really aren’t used to have to actually think about what they are creating…)

I have no doubt they are simply trying to push all those poor souls who have managed to survive the hell of a friend or family member being a Hello Kitty fanatic over the edge when that fanatic decides the men in her life need to wear Hello Kitty with her. It’s a win-win for Sanrio. The fanatic buys more crap while those fighting the resistance are eliminated as they realize even the most horrific death is a lot less painful than having to wear a clothes line from the cat with no mouth.

The only good news here is that the actual new brand for men won’t be available until next year so we don’t have to immediately suffer the consequences. The bad news is that we now have confirmation things will continue to get worse…

How do you know that the world is about to end? When the cat-with-no-mouth suddenly finds that she has one upon deciding that it’s a good idea to take Eminem’s song Rap God and do her Cat God interpretation. No, I’m not making any of that up — and you would be wise to trust me on that and just walk away from your computer screen because if you choose to watch the video, it can never be unseen. There has never been any doubt that the evil feline she’s herself as a God (or Jesus), and this video only proves it.

If this is the way that 2013 is ending, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to survive what 2014 is sure to have in store for me…

Well, let’s certainly hope that this isn’t a trend that catches on and spreads to other countries. Apparently the evil feline decided to sleep with Ronald McDonald and the result was the ugliest thing you can imagine. Yes, it appears that their night of romance (apparently Kitty chan forgot to tell Ronald to use her branded condoms — or more likely, she did and they simply failed to work) produced the Hello Kitty McArch:

I see that this link as further proof that the end is near, and when it comes, it’s not going to be pretty…

Sent in by McD lover

When you live in the type of hell that I do, it’s a major risk opening up email each morning. While I never escape completely unscathed from the torment that the evil feline throws my way, there are definitely some days that are much worse than others. Today was one of those days. That’s because you absolutely know that things have gone terribly wrong in the world when you open up an email to see Hello Kitty butt plugs (clear and pink) staring back at you…

Now, I think that we can all agree that there’s more than a bit of irony in the fact that the cat-with-no-mouth would feel it necessary to produce butt plugs. It also should be noted that while she doesn’t seem to have one of her own (although there are those that dispute that), shoved up someone’s ass is exactly where the vast majority of people in the world believe that she belongs. The fact that fanatics will gladly do this honor to themselves (while paying $80 to have the privilege) once again proves the people at Sanrio know exactly how to treat their customers…

Sent in by Hello Booty

As if having airplanes covered with the cat-with-no-mouth wasn’t bad enough, the shipping industry feels that they should also get into the act of torturing most of society. A company called Star Cruises has launched a Hello Kitty themed cruise on two of its ships (the SuperStar Virgo and SuperStar Libra) that will run through December 29, 2013. The excruciating painful trip will include having to spend time on the ship with Dear Daniel, My Melody and Bad Batz Maru along with the evil feline, as well as a musical show, breakfast meetings, teatime parties and story telling time. No doubt people will be vomiting long before anyone gets sea sick, and probably before the ship even leaves port…

While it’s bad enough having to live with Kitty chan existing in this world, imagine the horrifying terror that would be experienced being stuck on a ship with her and her fanatic friends for an entire week? My guess is that there would be a lot of significant others jumping overboard knowing that being eaten alive by sharks would be far less painful than having to survive the entire cruise. One more thing to fear if you ever find yourself in Hello Kitty Hell…