Freezer Burnt in Seattle

Since we just finished January, which is National Organizational Month and everyone is going crazy for Marie Kondo right now, I stumbled across a quote from her that can be taken to heart in more areas than just physical belongings…

“But when we really delve into the reasons for why we can’t let something go, there are only two: an attachment to the past or a fear for the future.” Marie Kondo

This hit home for me about my last serious relationship. Admittedly, I’m still having a hard time letting go of the thought of him but not bc I want to get back together with him but bc I truly loved him. He “sparked joy” in me. Hook. Line. Sinker. He’s the first man I have truly loved after my divorce 10 years ago. I’m telling ya…this man cut through all my bullshit meters on a whole new level. He talked the talk and walked the walk. Even though it was my choice to end things I was still shattered when he replaced me within a month, while I was still reliving all the times he called me the love of his life and soulmate. He’s kinda of like the pair of jeans that made my ass look fucking fantastic 10 years ago but I can hardly pull up past my thigh now but I just can’t seem to let go of the fact that they will never fit again.

I’m watching Grace & Frankie on The ‘Flixand there’s an episode where a man and woman have sex. He comes skipping out ofthe bedroom and asks her if she wants breakfast. She starts moaning in pleasurea couple seconds later and he kinda weirds out.

*next scene**

He’s weirded out that she used a vibrator toget off and says “you don’t make those sounds with me” (insert majorbutthurt look from him here)

She then proceeds to comfort him and say“Oh…it’s just different babe.” Then kisses him like he’s fallen and scratchedhis knees.

Multiple boyfriends/ex-lovers have freakedout with MAJOR insecurities after I’ve turned to my vibrator after sex withthem.

Why is it considered ok for a man to nut off every time having sex (if not a couple times a day in the shower or wherever) but they get offended when us ladies need to use a vibrator to finish ourselves off bc the man didn’t last long enough ….. and THEN expect a HUGE amount of praise saying “Ohmergerd! You were wonderful! The best I’ve ever been with (insert puking sounds here)….Blah blah blah”….If we ever question their “stamina” they think we are bitchy.

(back dated 1-8-19)

I originally found his profile alluring because he’s a (commercial)scuba diver. Thinking we could bond over scuba diving. I learned to scuba divebecause of my fear of open water **insert all images of completely fictional SciFi/Horror/Etc. movies here** I’d like to give my Dad a personal shout-out forinstilling these irrational fears in my brain.

When I’m diving I know deep in my brain that there isliterally almost (and I say “almost” because we never thought Trump would get electedbut he did ☹ ) a zero chanceof a Kaiju that will arise from the depths of the ocean in which I wouldobviously learn to pilot a Jeager and save the world….

or a Megalodon shark from the Marina Trench in The Meg(staring the gritty, yet ultra-sexy, Jason Statham…. M’mmRARRRR) where theymistake the bottom of the trench for solid ground, but it turns out to be justa sort of hard to breakthrough permeable (insane in the) membrane that hidesprehistoric creatures of unusual GIGANTIC sizes **insert The Meg**

or the water creature in The Abyss, that there was not an Americannuclear submarine that actually crashed, which enlisted the help of a team ofunderwater drilling platform workers who are to help the deployed Navy SEALSlocate the crash site but, in turn, they start to report seeing UFO’sunderwater they all assume will start WWIII but instead the aliens save theworld as we know it and bring peace and harmony to all from the deepest depthsof the ocean up to the surface of the ocean…..**big deep breathes because Iforgot to breathe when I was reliving all those movies just now**

…Ok, back to the date….

I ask to meet at my local Mexican restaurant because itmakes me happy. I get there and he is seated at a table instead of at the bar,which I think is the best, especially given its our first date. I sit down andafter a quick “hey I know you” kinda hug instead of a handshake and I see thathe is SHORTER THAN I AM….and I am short! I think to myself….”Kari, at least youwont have to find a step-stool to stand on to kiss him….lets see how this goes”.We start talking and I immediately think of Joe Pesci and the Guido off JerseyShore. He’s a little meatball with the same squeaky voice as JP! I have a hardtime not feeling completely goofy. I just keep him going on his diving stories becauseotherwise, its silent between the two of us.

He says he’s hungry so we order tacos because its TacoTuesday. We each have two drinks and he eats my second taco. I’m running out ofthings to try to talk to him about because he is visibly offput by my diving questions.

This bill comes and I see him look at it. We keep talking.He looks again. We keep talking…barely. Finally Im just out of ideas on what totry to talk about so I ask if he’s ready to go. **insert the “test” here**

Me: Would you like to split the bill?

Him: Yes

Me…o_O

Now remember, HE invited ME to dinner

We walk about the door and I hug him good-bye. For good.

Poor form buddy….poor form

I go home and watch Sharknado

(back dated 1-8-19)

I went on possibly one ofthe worst first (AND his LAST) dates of my dating career, of which there havebeen many, many years.

Met online, exchanged a couple messages to makesure he isn’t separated, recently single, recently divorced, not living withhis parents, has a job, and a couple hobbies outside of Happy Hour.

We meet at “his bar” up on Cap Hill. Nice place,interesting art on the walls (to which I’ll comment on in a bit) and a fuckinfreaky weird almost life size Halloween decoration that scared the shit out ofme when I walked in, just to the right of the door as you walk in.

He says he’s at the bar, so I look through thewindows to spot him. I see him. I walk in. We greet each other with the awkwardfirst date hug so it doesn’t look like we are there on a business deal, whichif you think about it, that’s actually what the first meeting is all about. Ifwe can get through the first couple of drinks and plan for a seconddate…business deal complete.

He’s dressed in what could be a very nice suitbut I could instantly tell just by touching him during the hug that the fabricis crappy material and he’s a poser.

Literally, in under 1 minute of us starting aconversation, he goes into a non-stop, almost 20 minutes long “commercial”about what he does, how he does it, how he’s different than anyone else whodoes the same thing (he gives future homeowners money to buy).

Trying to change the subject I comment that Ilike the art on the walls. He laughs and says only a simpleton would like tackyart like that then He makes fun. The art is really cool! Someone took the pulltabs off pop cans and made HUGE Marvel and DC action murals of differentcharacters. He goes back to his personal commercial.

I sit there politely sucking down my drink as fastas I can thinking “NOPE NOPE NOPE” to myself the whole time. I actually have toput up the hand signal for time-out so I could use the restroom. I come backand the bartender hands me another drink and says the date is in the restroom.Immediately he’s back. He continues right where he leaves off, only this timehe’s wiping his nose and there’s a very noticeable white powder in hismustache, so I call him out on it and ask him if The White Devil is a goodfriend of his. He laughs and says I’m 100% accurate.

I sorta swivel in my bar stool to face away fromhim and notice the old man next to me on the other side is drinking a Tecatebeer. One of my favorites. So I turn away from my date and ask the old guy howhis day is going. My date starts talking to him about how much he makes, hisfancy golf clubs, yaddayaddayadda.

Slamming down my second drink as the old guygets up to leave I say to my date “Thanks for the 30 minute commercial and thebusiness card. I’ll be sure to spread the word about your coke habit andhopefully you’re smart enough to use this experience as a write-off.”

I walk out.

I remove him from my online “interests” (I nevergive out my number unless we make it through at LEAST 3-4 good dates) beforethe door closes and walk away.

**end scene**ist Tab

(back dated 11/8/2018)

Last night was the 5th date with Mr Ultimate. I call him MrUltimate because he lives/eats/breathes Ultimate Disc/(Frisbee to the layman).

He meets meat my apt and we walk to have dinner at one of my favorite local haunts. As Iopen the main door to leave the building, I see that his fauxhawk now has beencolored like a rainbow and his glasses still have the sparkle pipe cleanerswrapped around the sides. He told me on our 4th date what the sparkle was forbut I can’t remember.

I’m quicklyrealizing that I really don’t have much to talk to him personally because I amstill unemployed so I just know I can keep him talkin’ with questions about….yep,you guessed it…. ULTIMATE!

Our entiredinner is filled with him showing me pictures of he weekend in Richland Wa atan Ultimate tournament and the party that came with it. Entertaining enough.Kills time I guess.

Dinner isfinished and we head to see BR at the Seattle Center iMax theatre. I’ve livedin Seattle 18 years and have never gone! I thought I’ve done ERRthing Seattlerelated but I guess not.

We fly inexactly at the time the movie is beginning and get great seats. I prefer theupper most rows and towards center.

The movieis absolutely awesome! Mind you, I wasn’t THAT impressed with the size of thescreen but the movie itself….gooooood.

Star of themovie: Rami Malek…….I fell into a celebrity crush with the star of the movie,when I was introduced to Mr. Robot a couple of years ago. Ramireminds me very much of a young man I “dated” back when I was 33 andhe was 25, Andy. Oh sweet dear, Raver Boy, Andy….

We met at asnowboarding event. It was only meant to be a one night stand but it ended upbeing a 6 month relationship.

The detailsof our first “date” are blurry but I remember us laughing and having an amazingtime together. Lots of PDA and all around excellent partnership dancing. Thatrarely happens for me. Most women actually. Most men don’t know how to dance.Man, could he dance!

I rememberwaking up next to him after the “one night stand” where we didn’tactually have sex. He couldn’t stay hard with the condom on. I refused to havesex with him without protection and he wasn’t used to having to wear one.Safety first, ladies.

Anyway,back to waking up next to his body …. sweet basil! It was like it had beencarved from stone. Absolutely beautiful.I think I actually texted myfriend who went to the snowboarding event with me about how beautiful RaverBoy’s body was as he was sleeping next to me.

I decidednot to kick him out of bed and we smoked out on weed and made out liketeenagers until noon. Finally, my stomach, the ruler of all my universes,decided to eat is way out of my body and I had to kick RB out. We kissedgood-bye for what I thought would be the last time and I took myself tobreakfast that Sunday morning.



About aweek later, I get a text from him saying “Kari, thee so very….what are youdoing things weekend?” My heart skipped a beat.



We ended up going out a week later to see Skrillex. He was mygateway drug to EDM.

During thefirst part of our relationship, I met all his friends and family. Everyoneloved me and loved the energy we had together. We would go out to dinner andpeople would secretly buy our dinners because they loved watching us together.It happened 3x!

We got intoraves and concerts for free because he was….. and feel free to laugh… avery famous glow stick dancer on YouTube by night, personal trainer by day. Hebody was in AMAZING shape.

I started falling in love with him and he could tell. His25-year-old raver/kandi kid heart was yet to be contained. The night we brokeup, We spent 4 hours crying and holding each other. There was no anger, onlycomplete understanding of our different courses in life.

We broke up 3 weeks before I went to Burning Man for my firsttime. I was completely devastated. I think I spent those 3 weeks crying myheart out and excited/prepping for my first Burn.

Burning Man stories to follow

A week after my first Burn was a complete shock to my system.Burning Man changed my life in so many amazing ways (again, stories to follow)

Prior to RB and I breaking up, I had bought us tickets to an EDMfestival at the Gorge in the “middle earth” of Washington. Since RB and Iweren’t together anymore and on the morning of the EDM festival, I called mylong time buddy, Justin and said that if he drives, he can have a free ticket.It worked out perfect because he was headed to a wedding about 100 miles pastthe festival.

I posted in Facebooklandia that I was headed to the festival anddoes anyone know of anyone going to it. None of my Seattle friends were goingbut I got a message from a Seattle friend saying that one of her Portlandfriends and his crew where there already and she connected us. Us = Garry +Kari

In the time it took for Justin and I to get to The Gorge, I hadarranged to stay with Garry and his crew, never having met any of them. Garry metus with open arms. Justin left for the wedding and I stayed to party.

Deep into the night we raved. I looked at my phone at one pointand I had a message from RB saying he hopes I’m having a good time at thefestival. I didn’t reply until the next day as Justin and I were driving backto Seattle.

Come to find out, RB was actually at the festival and had seen mein the crowd.

Two weeks of flirting via texting later and we were back together.Back into his life full force. His Mom gave me huge hugs and kisses and said Iwas the most favorite of all the women he had ever brought through her doors.Obviously, I was touched and my heart opened even more. Unfortunately, RB’sheart and mind were getting scared yet again. He started pulling away emotionallyand started not returning my calls. We ended up breaking up a month after wegot back together.

2011…..such is the year of Andy, the Raver Boy.

Thank you Bohemian Rhapsody’s, Rami Malek for bringing back somany beautiful and sad memories.

Last night was the 5th date with Mr Ultimate. I call him Mr Ultimate because he lives/eats/breathes Ultimate Disc/(Frisbee to the layman).

He meets me at my apt and we walk to have dinner at one of my favorite local haunts. As I open the main door to leave the building, I see that his fauxhawk now has been colored like a rainbow and his glasses still have the sparkle pipe cleaners wrapped around the sides. He told me on our 4th date what the sparkle was for but I can't remember.

I'm quickly realizing that I really don't have much to talk to him personally because I am still unemployed so I just know I can keep him talkin' with questions about....yep, you guessed it.... ULTIMATE!

Our entire dinner is filled with him showing me pictures of he weekend in Richland Wa at an Ultimate tournament and the party that came with it. Entertaining enough. Kills time I guess.

Dinner is finished and we head to see BR at the Seattle Center iMax theatre. I've lived in Seattle 18 years and have never gone! I thought I've done ERRthing Seattle related but I guess not.

We fly in exactly at the time the movie is beginning and get great seats. I prefer the upper most rows and towards center.

The movie is absolutely awesome! Mind you, I wasn't THAT impressed with the size of the screen but the movie itself....gooooood.

Star of the movie: Rami Malek…….I fell into a celebrity crush with the star of the movie, when I was introduced to Mr. Robot a couple of years ago. Rami reminds me very much of a young man I "dated" back when I was 33 and he was 25, Andy. Oh sweet dear, Raver Boy, Andy…. 

We met at a snowboarding event. It was only meant to be a one night stand but it ended up being a 6 month relationship.

The details of our first “date” are blurry but I remember us laughing and having an amazing time together. Lots of PDA and all around excellent partnership dancing. That rarely happens for me. Most women actually. Most men don’t know how to dance. Man, could he dance!

I remember waking up next to him after the "one night stand" where we didn’t actually have sex. He couldn't stay hard with the condom on. I refused to have sex with him without protection and he wasn't used to having to wear one. Safety first, ladies.

Anyway, back to waking up next to his body .... sweet basil! It was like it had been carved from stone. Absolutely beautiful.I think I actually texted my friend who went to the snowboarding event with me about how beautiful Raver Boy’s body was as he was sleeping next to me. 

I decided not to kick him out of bed and we smoked out on weed and made out like teenagers until noon. Finally, my stomach, the ruler of all my universes, decided to eat is way out of my body and I had to kick RB out. We kissed good-bye for what I thought would be the last time and I took myself to breakfast that Sunday morning. 



About a week later, I get a text from him saying “Kari, thee so very….what are you doing things weekend?” My heart skipped a beat. 



We ended up going out a week later to see Skrillex. He was my gateway drug to EDM. 

During the first part of our relationship, I met all his friends and family. Everyone loved me and loved the energy we had together. We would go out to dinner and people would secretly buy our dinners because they loved watching us together. It happened 3x! 

We got into raves and concerts for free because he was..... and feel free to laugh... a very famous glow stick dancer on YouTube by night, personal trainer by day. He body was in AMAZING shape. 

I started falling in love with him and he could tell. His 25-year-old raver/kandi kid heart was yet to be contained. The night we broke up, We spent 4 hours crying and holding each other. There was no anger, only complete understanding of our different courses in life.

We broke up 3 weeks before I went to Burning Man for my first time. I was completely devastated. I think I spent those 3 weeks crying my heart out and excited/prepping for my first Burn. 

Burning Man stories to follow

A week after my first Burn was a complete shock to my system. Burning Man changed my life in so many amazing ways (again, stories to follow)

Prior to RB and I breaking up, I had bought us tickets to an EDM festival at the Gorge in the “middle earth” of Washington. Since RB and I weren’t together anymore and on the morning of the EDM festival, I called my long time buddy, Justin and said that if he drives, he can have a free ticket. It worked out perfect because he was headed to a wedding about 100 miles past the festival. 

I posted in Facebooklandia that I was headed to the festival and does anyone know of anyone going to it. None of my Seattle friends were going but I got a message from a Seattle friend saying that one of her Portland friends and his crew where there already and she connected us. Us = Garry + Kari

In the time it took for Justin and I to get to The Gorge, I had arranged to stay with Garry and his crew, never having met any of them. Garry met us with open arms. Justin left for the wedding and I stayed to party.

Deep into the night we raved. I looked at my phone at one point and I had a message from RB saying he hopes I’m having a good time at the festival. I didn’t reply until the next day as Justin and I were driving back to Seattle. 

Come to find out, RB was actually at the festival and had seen me in the crowd. 

Two weeks of flirting via texting later and we were back together. Back into his life full force. His Mom gave me huge hugs and kisses and said I was the most favorite of all the women he had ever brought through her doors. Obviously, I was touched and my heart opened even more. Unfortunately, RB’s heart and mind were getting scared yet again. He started pulling away emotionally and started not returning my calls. We ended up breaking up a month after we got back together. 

2011…..such is the year of Andy, the Raver Boy.

Thank you Mr Robot and Bohemian Rhapsody’s, Rami Malek, for bringing back so many beautiful memories. 

umpSt

Here I am…….40 years old…. 11 months…. and 6 days old… and TODAY is my very first blog…. This blog is about my perils of dating in Seattle