every day pretending gets a little harder...

Time 2021-10-28 21:08:55

Web Name: every day pretending gets a little harder...

WebSite: http://diseasedbylove.blogspot.com

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:: every day pretending gets a little harder... ::the life of a depressed future crack whore:: welcome to every day pretending gets a little harder... :: bloghome | contact::[::..archive..::][::..recommended..::]:: google [>]:: plastic [>]:: davenetics [>]

:: Sunday, February 24, 2002 ::

im not even being ma fucking self now and this is for me.
:: sarah Sunday, February 24, 2002 [+] ::
...

argh. i am so dreading college tomorro. like i always do. i hate college so much. i somehow thought that college would b so much better than high skool an i was well glad ma high skool didnt have a sixth form but now im not so sure. since ive become such a reclusive freak (only wen im not drunk..hmm) an i feel so awkward around everyone i wish high skool had had a sixth form. i miss ma lesbian friends....o yeh an the fat bitch, the moon faced bitch an the cow faced bitch who turned on me cos..well..i told them wot they looked like. ma bad. ooo yeh an i miss everyone in ma year 9/10 of who i hated for no apparent reason. that was freak stage one. i did used to be a fairly normal person who was usually good depressed an now im suicidal depressed an lonely an i miss things.
i dont think more than 10 people have ever known me properly. mostly i come across as completely retarded or weird or something. i get mad at maself for being like that cos i kno it isnt me. *socially innept*. an im sure everyone hates me. then i think..what the fuck do i care??? but rite now i do care.
:: sarah Sunday, February 24, 2002 [+] ::
...

who the fuck am i anymore? ive lost me so much that i dont think i have an identity anymore.
what a scary thought.
:: sarah Sunday, February 24, 2002 [+] ::
...

what the fuck is love? i so dont know if i love tom or not anymore. i know i used to. i loved him so much that it hurt so bad and i could never be with him for long enough. but i dont know if hes what i need anymore.
i had a dream last nite that was part of like a dream chain ive been having lately. i think loads of people from ma high school were in it including this lad who i thought was the nicest in the year, he was okay but..i dunno i didnt ever really see him in *that* way.
in ma dream i was in love or lust with him an it felt so good. it seemed so real too. i used to always have dreams like this that would get me obssessed with some random person even if they were a complete asshole jus because of how they seemed in ma dream. but it made me realise stuff. i like to feel protected an dominated in a relationship. an ma relationship with ma bf isnt like that. i dont even know if i love him anymore. i know we have some kind of connection (we always used to know what the other was thinking an feeling an we were so on the same level.) but now we argue loads an i dont feel anything for him sometimes. i always thought id be with him forever. he was the funniest, nicest, goodest, best for meist person id ever met an thought i would ever meet. we even named are future children (arcadia, trent, zeke, consuelo, wes..o god..how sad). anyway i dont kno anymore. its lost its spark. maybe all relationships lose that spark however sparky they start off. but i miss that spark. i miss feeling in love. if it is over its the saddest thing ever. but i just dont know.
:: sarah Sunday, February 24, 2002 [+] ::
...

:: Saturday, February 23, 2002 ::

argh. el stupid blogger jus cut me off an deleted ma most heartfelt thoughts. o dea.
anywayz heres some stuff bout moi cos i know how much anyone reading this will wanna kno all about me:

ma username *suicide makeover* is a reference to the lyrics of the green day song *prosthetic head*. i love green day pre warning. warning sucked so bad i almost cried wen i heard it. ma other favourite green day songs are *going to pasalaqua* an *80* which has the best lyric ever or at least the truest "is there any cure for this disease someone called lovee". love is so a disease. an i so have that disease.

*name* - sarah...also known as poudy (apparently i have quite a pout), sarwah, an previously hippy
*age* - 17 as of january 4th. cept i still cant do owt til im 18. being 17 sucks.
*piercings* - eyebrow, ears, nose
*music* - i like emo/alt/rock/metal/punk/whatever...alkaline trio (class lyrics)..jimmy eat world..i vary
*current soundtrack to ma life* - rival schools - travel by telephone, spiderbait - calypso, joan jett - bad reputation, hot water music - free radio gainsville, bangs - burnout, smoking popes - need you around
*song that makes everything okay* - fountains of wayne - denise
*songs i love* - JEW - bleed american, less than jake - history of a boring town, alkaline trio - goodbye forever/armageddon, my vitriol - cemented shoes, foos - everlong, weezer - buddy holly, one minute silence - fish out of water, disturbed - voices, deftones - be quiet and drive
*songs of ma relationship wit tom* - alkaline trio - sorry about that, samiam - full on / she found you
*loss of ma V* - wen id jus turned 16..in regretable circumstances.
*things ive broken* - ma eyebrows (i dont kno how i did that either), ma wrist (playing football)
*random* - i so so wanted pink hair but it well wouldnt suit me so im gonna dye elsewhere hair pink (apparently tis tres tres fashionable). i wanna lizard tatt on ma ankle ta represent ma bf (hes a lizard ya see) an a butterfly someplace too. im really really disgustingly messy but i also have perfectionist tendencies. im depresd, stress loads an very very shy cept wen drunken an then im very very flirtatious an happee. im prob gonna progress to an alcoholic. (already started smoking ta keep me calm). i wanna learn to play the drums an skate (jus could twould b hella hella cool). i love popcorn from the cinema, smoothies an salt n v mccoys. yumilicious.

voila. me stuff.

:: sarah Saturday, February 23, 2002 [+] ::
...

I really wanna make ma own website (but..i dont kno html an i havent got the moolah ta get photoshop or anything to make ma future site any gud) so im gonna jus explain some stuff bfore i start ranting senselessly (ya kno 'case anyone actually reads it). kay well i have a boyfriend called tom who ive been with for..a year an 4 months. the tom thing is kind of complex so ill explain.
i met tom in october 2000 wen me an ma (ex) friend lauwa (who i barely talk to anymore an havent seen for bout 4 months) went down (we live in..manchester..or so im gonna say cos we are all tres embarrassed of the small polluted, pie odoured town we live in) to..either luton or a small village nearby (which i will not name cos tis a small village) to meet some lad who she met on the net an supposedly loved despite the fact that in their whole *relationship* they only saw each other all of 3/4 times. the lad who was also called tom an was a complete asshole brought a friend along an thats how i ended up with tom. wen laura an tom split me an tom carried on seeing each other an thats how we're together now. (we live bout 4 hours away from each other by tren so we only c each other weekends).
the relationship is tres tres complicated tho. from almost the beginning i was so so in love with tom. id cry loads cos i thought he didnt love me back an i think thats wen i started to get depressed. in february 2001 i went on a skool trip to spain an i misd tom so bad an got really depressed an manic an tried to jump off a roof (ma friends stopped me from doing that cos they didnt think it was such a gud idea) an i cried loads again (i never ever used to cry in public cos i dunno it was just a rule i had..but i kno id definitely never been in love before tom..i thought something was wrong with me cos id like someone obssessively then get them an then feel disgusted by them an that happened with every lad i ever met) an ended up in some stupid random posh boys' room keeping them up with ma incessant whinging while they tried ta get some sleep. anywayz wen i got home everything was fine....until me an tom were having this talk an i asked "have u met (northern phrase methinx) anyone while uve been with me?" he sed no but i kept going on at him cos knew he was lying an he admitted he'd met some girl at a party cos he'd "been missing me so bad" an "it was a mistake". i was so fucking upset. yeh..it was only a kiss or whatever. but i loved him so much that it was more painful than anything ever. i jus kept thinking about him touching someone else, holding someone else, kissing someone else. anywayz i ended up going out pulling about 8/9 lads an some girls in one nite (ma lesbian tendencies came out) an then he (wen he was out with me) ended up pulling one of ma fucking friends. i totally snapped (the alc didnt help) an i ended up throwing bottles at him, screaming an breaking one of his teeth. the stoopid goth whore who met him has not yet got twatted but im sure at some point she will do. after that i pulled anyone cos i wanted to get back at him an being so insecure it made me feel gud about maself for someone to want me. so are relationship is now a little fucked. the last year of it has been the worst. i dont know if i love him, smetimes i love him too much...tis jus fuckered.
ive been so depressed to since starting 6th form an ive become totally reclusive an freakish. im on anti depressants an im seeing a councillor. i wish i could b happy. or feel kind of okay with maself. ive always had problems with ma appearance. im not deformed or anything but sometimes i get so bad that ill skive lessons at college cos i feel so ugly an i cant bare for ppl to look at me. i know its stupid. but i jus cant end it. i feel really lonely except for tom an i spose for him i isolated maself. sometimes i jus cant c a way out an i wish i was dead an i get so manic ill pull ma hair out or attempt t slit ma wrists. ive started smoking cos it makes me calmer. sometimes im scared ill go insane. i jus want t stop thinking an i cant an i wanna scratch ma face away. i cut ma arms cos immediately after the confusion an upset an raw emotion floats away. sometimes i so dont know maself. i lose maself an ill do stupid things thati dont mean to do but ma insanity takes over.
i hate maself a lot of the time. an i know that i cant b happy until im happy with maself. which i dont kno is possible. i hate how i am, how i look, who i am, how i act. im a fucking walkover. i dont say what i think, what i want, i dont know who i am.
sometimes i get mad an i realise no one is any better than me an i shouldnt place maself below everyone like that.
i just want to get better.
:: sarah Saturday, February 23, 2002 [+] ::
...

Sometimes I think life would be so much better if I was a little bit dumber and I didn't think about everything so much. Ignorance must be so damn beautiful.
BrrrrRrr....I am so cold. An bored. It's saturday an i've been inside all day randomly net surfing. How sad.
:: sarah Saturday, February 23, 2002 [+] ::
...

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