TheRealSharons Blog | You are now inside my head

Time 2021-01-07 21:10:52

Web Name: TheRealSharons Blog | You are now inside my head

WebSite: http://therealsharon.com

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The first memory I have of having difficulty getting up off the ground is from elementary school. I don t remember the exact age but I was between the ages of 7-9. I had a part in a Christian school play doing a little cheer, and we had to go from being down on 1 knee to jumping up real fast cheering. Everyone else was able to do this with no issues, but me? I struggled to get up as fast as everyone else. I had to practice and practice and finally was able to do it decently, but it never looked as smooth as what the rest of the cheerleaders could do. In high school, I remember the ONE time my main high school bully was kind to me. We had to sit on the floor for some reason in biology class and when it came time to stand up, I tried to get over to a desk to pull myself up, and he actually offered a hand to help me up. Although that doesn t make up for all of the horrible things he said to me, it has always stuck in my mind for some reason. Later in life, I have always just laughed and made jokes about the fact that I have trouble getting up off the ground and blamed it on bad knees or just being overweight as my ability to get up has become harder and harder. It would take me 36 years to finally figure out WHY it has always been so hard for me, but the truth has been there hiding in plain sight for as long as I can remember. I found out recently that I have inherited CMT or Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease, and NO, it has nothing to do with your teeth. It was named after 3 French doctors who discovered the disease. It is also known by 2 other names, peroneal muscular atrophy and hereditary motor and sensory neuropathy. The official definition is a group of inherited disorders that cause nerve damage. This damage is mostly in your arms and legs (peripheral nerves). Click here for more information. It was a relief to discover a reason behind so many issues I have had all my life, including the difficulty in getting off the ground, but it s also sad to know that while things can be done to help the progression of the disease, there is no cure for it altogether. You may wonder what issues I have struggled with that are attributable to CMT and how I finally was able to find out. Well, I will try to break it down for you.Numbness and tingling in my hands and fingers, a.k.a. carpal tunnel symptoms. THIS is the issue that actually lead to me finally getting my diagnosis. For almost a decade, I have struggled with my hands going numb randomly while doing routine activities and while sleeping. The first time I mentioned it to a doctor years ago, he told me it was carpal tunnel, and that was that. Nothing was done about it. Years later, after using a brace to sleep with on my right hand, which has always been my worst, and my hand STILL waking me up at night, I decided to bring it up again to my doctor now. That lead to me getting an EMG of my upper extremities, which showed I had both motor and sensory slowing, common for those with diabetes, but I don t have diabetes. This lead to me seeing a neurologist where he noted loss of sensation in my hands AND feet, and after I told him of my family history of CMT, a genetic blood test was ordered. Over 1 month later, I got my results. I HAVE inherited it. Numbness and tingling in feet. I have had numbness in my feet and toes for as long as I can remember. I have honestly learned to live with it because it never bothered me as much as my hands did. I admit to not really saying anything to doctors about it because of stigma due to that being considered a diabetic sign. I know that doesn t make sense as my blood work always has shown that I am not even prediabetic, but nevertheless . This numbness is also in random spots all around my legs and sometimes in my hips.Hammer toes. All of my little digits of my feet are hammer toes. I am not sure when they first became this way, but it s a very classic sign of CMT. Another classic sign is high arches, which I do NOT have and is the main reason why I always assumed I didn t inherit the disease, as my Mom mistakenly thought you had to have high arches. This is a myth. Tremors. I get hand tremors sometimes, especially when I am trying to fine motor skill activities, such as picking something small up. I was told a couple of years ago that this was just an essential tremor and to take vitamin B12. Well, turns out tremors are apart of CMT. Hand weakness and dropping things occasionally. Balance issues. My balance has never been perfect, and a lot of people don t have excellent balance, but in the past few years, my balance has started to deteriorate badly. When standing still, I feel myself rocking back and forth and feel like I need to hold onto something. When walking, I feel like I am on a boat on the sea, and the waves are most certainly not calm. I actually brought this issue up a few years ago when it started to worsen at the same time as I had breathing issues, and it was never taken seriously. Breathing problems. (This one is NOT confirmed for sure yet, but some people with CMT can have breathing problems due to nerve issues with their phrenic nerve or nerves.) These nerves are around your lung and if they have issues or become paralyzed, your lungs can look perfectly fine, but you aren t able to breathe well. I started having shortness of breath with just walking across the room around 3-4 years ago at the same time as my balance started getting worse. I still have to see a specialist to talk about this and get this confirmed, but a lot of people with CMT have issues like this that match my symptoms exactly.Pain walking barefoot. I have always hated walking barefoot because it feels like I am walking on rocks. I ALWAYS have to wear shoes when I am walking. My Mom is actually the opposite as it makes her feel more stable. Turns out both are common.Foot drop, or not picking your foot up all the way when you walk. I tend to trip sometimes if I am not careful because I don t pick my feet up enough and let them drag.Frequent tripping or falling.Taking a longer time to recover after activity. I have always wondered why even when I was the healthiest I have ever been it seemed like I stayed sore and hurting for so long after activity. I can do what seems like nothing to most people and be hurting for days afterward.Choking on water and/or saliva at times. (Not confirmed but related to CMT). My Mom does this too.Having a harder time creating muscles. I never realized how nerve function can affect your muscles so much, but it turns out when your nerves atrophy, your muscles can t work as well as a normal person. This also can make it harder to lose weight .ugh!Difficulty holding a pen or pencil. This is my newest discovery. I type all of the time without much difficulty. My hands can get tired if I type too much and I have some numbness every once in a while, but overall, not too bad. If I pick up a pen to write, I automatically feel aching and cramping in my fingers and hand though. I asked in a CMT group I am in if anyone else dealt with this, and it turns out, they all do. Spasms. This is not something I deal with ALL of the time, but occasionally, I will feel a sensation under my skin in random spots where the nerves feel as if they are jumping. I also sometimes feel as if water is running down my leg or something is crawling on me when there is nothing there. Nerve pain. This goes along with the numbness and tingling really. Just random aching pain in my hands and feet.Last but not least and already mentioned at the beginning of this post difficulty getting up off the ground. Since the nerves affect your muscles so much, it leads to weakness in the parts of your body that you use to help yourself up, meaning people with CMT tend not to be as strong as others in that regard. When you add in issues with balance, it makes it even harder. That s all of my symptoms, at least that I can think of right now and have found to be related to CMT. If I discover anything more, I may add to this. As you can see, this disease is no picnic. However, imagine having a lot of these issues for a long time and just thinking you were odd and having them be blamed on other things. At least I KNOW now. I admit to going through different emotions in regard to finding out being relieved that I know, sad that I will never be able to do some things without difficulty no matter what I do, worried about my ability to do things I love in the future, frustration that I didn t know sooner, and determination to find out what steps to take to help myself the best I can. I have learned so much these past few months that I didn t know before, even though this disease runs in my family. I hope that my new knowledge can help those in my family to possibly find out sooner if they have inherited this too so that they can take steps sooner than I did. If someone out there thinks my symptoms sound familiar but they don t have the family history, I would ask your doctor because while it s mainly a hereditary disease, there have been a few people with a gene mutation that have caused this disease with NO family history. It never hurts to ask. If you read all of this, thanks for taking the time to do so. I know this was a long post. I appreciate you wanting to learn more about what I have been going there. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind.  Please come in and make yourself UNcomfortable Yes, I meant what I said, not comfortable, but uncomfortable.  Lord knows the inside of my mind has been uncomfortable for far too long.  I think we as women are taught to be good little girls, to obey the rules, and not talk about ugly things.  Well, those ugly things can fester inside you when held in for too long and rot away at your soul.  I should know.  I hid so much ugly inside for a vast majority of my life.  Over the past year, I have unleashed a lot of the hurt, and I feel that people would prefer I just remain silent.  Apparently, God has bestowed upon me to be a poster child for silent issues, meaning issues that the world would rather everyone just not talk about openly but keep to ourselves.  For almost 3 decades, I obeyed, even though every part of me wanted to scream it all out.A poem I wrote as a young girl starts, Feelings, emotions down deep in my soul, explode like a bottle, tearing a hole.  I don t think I realized then how MUCH that was true for me, how the feelings and emotions I had been having to hide were eating away at me and tearing a hole inside of me.  I recently heard about an article on one of my favorite childhood movies, Labryinth about how it was empowering for women.  Though I didn t read the article, I couldn t agree more.  That line, You have no power over me has been a stronghold in my life for telling all the ugly that it won t win over me.therealsharon @ 2:06 pm [filed under Uncategorized 1 Comment First of all, this post is a positive one or at least I consider it that way.  Please read all the way through before coming to your own conclusions.After following infertility pages on FB for a while, I have seen and heard differing opinions from people who are experiencing primary infertility (not being able to get pregnant or not being to carry out a pregnancy to its completion for whatever reason) and people who are going through secondary infertility (being able to have 1 or more children then experiencing difficulty having another).  I have also seen people that have gone through both, which means they struggled for years before being able to successfully have a child and are now struggling to have another.  Having seen all of these,gs, but at the same time, I hate all the comparing when it comes to infertility.I am personally going through infertility.  My type of infertility involves having never been able to get pregnant (at least as far as I am aware of) since I have heard cases of people unknowingly getting pregnant and miscarrying right after without even realizing it.  Yes, that IS possible.  I know people who are going through secondary infertility.  The word infertility seems kind of taboo when targeted towards those who were able to have their first child or even more children easily without trying very hard.  I think, not unlike those who have NEVER been able to get pregnant, they struggle with feeling like this makes them a failure in some way.  1 in 8 women struggle with infertility.  A lot of them remain silent.  You are NOT a failure.Now, for the thing that people with secondary infertility hear often, At least you have 1 child.  I see people bringing that up all the time.  I have to admit that there was a time in my life I felt that way.  I am human.  I get jealous.  BUT I have learned to see things in a different way.  I DO think there ARE differences in the situations.  I DO think the viewpoint in infertility vs secondary infertility is different.  Having said that though, I do not think people with secondary infertility hurt any less or should have to just settle with the hand they have been dealt.I, myself, grew up wanting 10 kids.  In  my position now where I do not even know if I will successfully have 1 of my own, I think I could be happy to just have 1.  If I am honest though, I want more than 1.  Maybe 10 is a little unrealistic for me now, but ideally, I would love to at least have 3 or 4.  If I am able to have 1 within the next couple of years without TOO much trouble meaning I eventually get to do IUI and it works, I know I will probably want to try for another soon after.  Knowing this, I have really thought about what I WOULD feel like if I were to struggle yet again and be told by people that I should just be happy with the one.  I wouldn t like for people to judge me in that way just as I hate the things people say to me, whether directly or indirectly.   Maybe it s not meant to be.  Ugh!!!  And multiple babies born to drug addicts or murderers ARE?  Really, people?!  I mean, I know most people mean well, but unless they have ever experienced it themselves, they honestly don t get how insensitive some of their comments can be.  And people who get pregnant within the first year when they are in their 20 s and feel like they get MY viewpoint?  NO .no, you don t.  It s NOT the same thing.  I m not going to apologize for saying that because it s the truth.  Does it suck if it took you a whole year and your friend got pregnant the first month? Yeah, I am sure it does, and you have the right to lament over that just don t compare apples and oranges.To those with secondary infertility, I don t understand your path, and I won t pretend to.  If you haven t gone through primary infertility, you don t get mine.  There s nothing wrong with that.  I won t pretend to not be jealous of anyone who has ever had a child, but at the same time, please know that I DO believe you have a right to grieve over the possibility of not being able to have another child.  I m not going to say At least YOU have a child because I think that s insensitive, and I think all women struggling with infertility need to support each other.  Do I think sometimes those with primary infertility need a forum or a place to vent with people that are in their own boats and those with secondary infertility need their own forum as well? Yes, I do, because they are 2 separate situations, and it makes it easier for those of us who have never had a kid to sometimes talk with those who also have never had children.  There s a different perspective there, and it helps.  I also believe those with any type of infertility should also get together and chat sometimes too, though.  As in any situation, it IS good to learn all sides of the battle.  Ditto for men with infertility!  It s good to hear the men s side of things sometimes as well.I guess I have said all of this to simply say those of us with infertility need to support each other regardless of our individual situations and stop comparing who has it the worst.  We ALL have it bad.  Let s just support each other because at the end of the day, we are all in this together!Fertility affects 1 in 8 couples according to The Fast Facts about infertility on Resolve.org which is the National Infertility Association.  Right now, many women AND men are struggling with infertility issues.  Many of these people keep quiet about it due to embarrassment because they feel there is something wrong with them since they are unable to conceive a child on their own.  Others remain quiet because they feel like people don t want to know or they will feel like it s oversharing.  I, myself, remained quiet for a long time due to feeling like infertility was a very personal issue that you just weren t supposed to openly talk about.  Bringing up infertility obviously means bringing up sex and your reproductive system, and people will think it s TMI.Because I felt this way for so long, I didn t have many people to confide in and I definitely didn t have people going through the same issues to talk and compare stories with.  Dealing with infertility by yourself is a very lonely road, and it doesn t HAVE to be.  There are resources for you.  There are others that know what you are going through.  There are others who have fought the battle and had success while there are others who didn t have success but have learned to overcome.  When I started seeing a fertility specialist a few months ago and liking infertility pages, I saw there were thousands of other people going through the same thing I was, and it empowered me.  It gave me strength to know that I wasn t alone.  It gave me courage to read their words and know that yes, it was okay to talk about what you re going through, and it helps to do so.  I also saw there were women that were like I used to be.  Women that have not openly talked about their infertility outside of the groups and pages because they were embarrassed or felt like people weren t interested, etc.  The ones who were open inspired me to be more open about my infertility.  I wanted to be what those women being open were for me.  I want to inspire others to talk about THEIR stories.  I want others to not be afraid what other people think.  Infertility shouldn t have to be fought alone.Living in a smaller city now, there are not really many resources for people who are going through infertility.  Even to see my doctor, I have to drive about 2 hours away.  If you read my other posts, you already know I am trying to do fundraising to help pay for my upcoming infertility treatments, but when I came across Teespring, I also had another goal in mind.  I had personally never heard of any Walks for Infertility Awareness although there are some in bigger cities and other states.  I just recently found out what the Infertility Awareness Ribbon looked like .It s blue and pink for anyone who is curious!  I find it very eye-opening that in the city where I live and possibly in many other areas, infertility is not a very BIG topic.  Why isn t it?  Why is it not talked about more?  Why have I never seen a shirt that shows support for those of us who are struggling with infertility?I, personally, would love a shirt that makes people start talking, gets people open and not hiding in silence, and tells others that Hey, I support you!  I know I would LOVE to see someone wearing a shirt that shows that they support my fight!So, I started a Fertility Fundraiser Campaign on Tee Spring.  The front of the shirt says Some Miracles need a little help.  A child is a miracle, whether they are naturally given, created through IUI, IVF, a surrogate, etc., or adopted.  I do not believe for one second that the only people meant to have babies are the ones just naturally blessed by God.  I believe some miracles have to be fought for a little harder because maybe that fighting has a purpose.  Maybe some miracles need a little more prayer and struggle to be created.  One thing I most certainly know is that my miracle will be very loved and VERY wanted because he or she will have been dreamed of, prayed for, and fought for until the day they arrive.  The back of the shirt says Support those with infertility.  It is my hope that people will want to get this shirt to help me promote awareness and to help others like me know that there are people who care and are supporting us.  I also hope others like me will wear it with hope in their hearts and not be afraid to talk about their own journeys.  Yes, I get some money out of it for fundraising, but I made this shirt for so much more than just myself.So, PLEASE share my campaign with everyone you know.  Help me promote Infertility Awareness.  Help me show support to others with infertility.  Help me towards my dream of starting a family.Thank you for reading this!FundraisingMy Infertility JourneyThanks to my friend, Dayle, who agreed to be my sponsor, I am currently doing a fundraiser through a great website called Filltheirarms.com.  This site offers people who are in need of help with raising money for both fertility treatments or adoption meet their goals by providing them a site in which to share their stories and accept donations where you can keep 100% of your donations other than sites like gofundme.com, which take a percentage of them.Dayle is a great friend I met through blogging about 4 years ago whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting in person, but we both share a love for writing and we share other commonalities that help us to get along well with each other.  It meant a great deal to me when she agreed to take on writing the fundraising letter for me and offered to help me come up with other ideas, so again, I want to say thank you to her.To see my page on fill their arms and read what she wrote, go here: https://www.filltheirarms.com/sharon chad.htmlTo read my last post about my fight to become a mother, go here: Fighting to be a motherSo far, I have had 1 donation, which I am extremely thankful for, but I have a long way to go in earning money.  Insurance isn t going to cover the fertility treatment, and sadly, my job is going through some changes and it s been VERY slow, which means a LOT smaller paychecks.  I know some people would not agree to being so vocal about my infertility or asking for help from others, but infertility IS a huge issue and it s time we stop stigmatizing it and making people afraid to talk about it. If you are unable to help financially, I won t love you any less.  All I ask for is that you support me with your positive thoughts and/or prayers whether or not you are able to offer anything monetarily.I am also considering using a site to make t-shirts that people can buy to support my cause.  Maybe something along the lines of Sometimes miracles need a little help , Helping to fill empty arms , Praying for a Baby Hughes , etc.  I just threw those out there from the top of my head.  Nothing is final yet.  Please comment here or message me privately on FB or through my email, Greeneyedramaqueen@gmail.com if you would be willing or interested to buy a shirt/shirts if I did something like this.  I will only do this if I get enough people who are interested.  If anyone has any other ideas for me and/or would like to help host a fundraiser, I would love to hear from you!I ve always wanted to be a mother.  Most people s first word is Mom , Dad , or some variation of that.  My first word was Baby.  My mom told me I loved them so much that she made me a photo album of babies so I could look through it.  I adored baby dolls of every kind and would hold them and rock them and sing to them.  I became an aunt when I was barely more than 2, and I still have a picture of me holding my first niece.  I was sitting down with adults around, but you could see how happy I was to be holding a baby.  My Mom worked in schools and day cares as I grew up and worked the nursery at church, and I was around babies every second I could possibly be.  My Mom and sisters got the teaching genes.  I played as a teacher some as a kid, but I never had a true desire for it.  My desires were always to be a Mother.I ve always loved being an Aunt, and even though my oldest nieces were really more like sisters because of our closeness in age, they mean the world to me.  I cry when big events happen in their life, both happy tears and sad tears, and since the age of 23 when I first became a great Aunt, I have absolutely cherished getting to be in their children s lives.  If I am honest, I kind of expected I would probably be married with kids before my nieces or at least around the same time as most of them just because I was the oldest but I just didn t find the man I was supposed to marry until a little bit better.  At 25, almost 26, I finally married and there was a mixed response about the idea of kids.  I had a lot of people saying to wait a while while some seemed to hint at me having kids really soon.  To say that their opinions didn t affect me would be a lie.  I ve always been sensitive to other s opinions, overly sensitive, in fact.  I have never been the type to want to rush into having kids even though I have always known I was meant to be a Mother.  When I took Home Ec in high school, we had the standard assignment with the babies that will cry and you turn the key to stop it.  All the other girls were so excited for the assignment, but I wasn t.  I didn t want the fake babies.  I had been around babies all my life.  At 15 years old, I valued my sleep and my free time, and I was like, nope!  So I was the one person who took the other assignment, which was a 5-page research paper.  I know they probably thought I was stupid.  They probably thought having the fake baby was a lot easier.  Since I was so shy and bullied in school, I don t really know what their ending position was about whether I made the better choice, but I honestly feel like they probably ended up thinking my choice was the best.  I know I definitely did because I wasn t awakened by a fake baby.  I didn t have to carry the fake baby around all day and worry about it crying.  As much as I wanted kids (in fact, I wanted 10), I had enough sense to know that I wanted to wait until I was mature enough to handle one.So I got married and because of all the pressure to wait to start a family, I didn t actively try to start a family.  I am putting that in parentheses because I also wasn t on birth control, etc.  Without saying more information than you probably want to know, I basically put it in God s hands and decided, I m not going to watch the calender or try hard to have a baby, but if it happens, it happens.  I honestly felt like it would just naturally happen on its own within 1-2 years, and that was fine by me. I knew I wasn t financially where I would like to be, which is why I didn t try so hard, but I also felt like I may never be.  There are people who ARE financially ready for a family then disaster strikes after they have kids, and what then?  They deal with it, right?  When people would ask when I was having kids, I would laugh it off and say, Someday or eventually because I was kind of afraid to say what I really wanted to say, which was, Hopefully soon!  Like most women, I honestly didn t expect that I would have any problems.As the years went on and it didn t just naturally happen, I started to think that maybe I needed to look at a calendar.  I downloaded a Pink Pad app for my Kindle and started keeping track of my cycle, etc. and actually trying.  I even had times where I thought I had symptoms and I was a little late only for my period to start.  For the first few months, I still had high hopes then every time my period started, I would just cry.  I went out and bought ovulation tests only to constantly look at them and see I wasn t ovulating.  I had pretty regular periods, so shouldn t I be ovulating?  Apparently not . As more and more people around me started to get pregnant and I wasn t, I just got more and more depressed.  If you read my blog in the past then you know I went through a weight loss journey where I lost a lot of weight, and I honestly thought that would help me.  During that weight loss journey is when I was trying very hard to start a family, but nothing .I just didn t know what to do and I was too scared to ask.  I felt like people would just tell me I didn t need kids because at the time I didn t have a job yet and my husband was on disability.  I didn t want to hear that, so I just struggled in silence .or almost silence.  I did confide in a couple of people, but for the most part, I kept quiet.  My middle sister has endometriosis and had to have surgery before she could have kids, so I started thinking that might be a possibility, but without insurance, I put things off.  One of my friends suggested getting on Women s Health to check into being tested for it, so I did and got on that.  The OB/GYN I had used years before as a teenager only accepted people who used it for birth control NOT family planning and the nurse even laughed at me when I asked about that .which was not very helpful at all!  I finally went to my friend s doctor out of town and had a Pap smear, which came out fine.  They said everything looked good and nothing more was said, so I had no idea I would need an ultrasound as well.This year, I finally got on insurance and since my old doctor left the practice unexpectedly, I had to go to a different one. The lady I see now is actually a Nurse Practitioner, but she is the only doctor I have ever had that asked me Do you have kids? Do you want kids?  and when I said Yes , she encouraged me to get started because of my age, which is when I told her that I had started and let her know my fears.  She sent me for a pelvic ultrasound (an outer one not inner), which also came back normal.  It was then that I told her about buying the ovulation tests and everything, and she referred me to a fertility specialist out of town as in 2-3 hours away depending on which office I go to!  Apparently this lady was good because my nurse practitioner used her and she delivered her twins.  So with finally some hope, I made an appointment and went to see the fertility specialist, also known as a reproductive endocrinologist.At my first appointment, she looked at my lab results and said my progesterone was low, which could mean I wasn t ovulating well, so I had that lab redone to compare as well as some more labs.  I then was told I had to return for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) which is a special x-ray where they insert a catheter inside you with a balloon then inflate the balloon inside you (which made me feel like I was having horrible, horrible period cramps!) then release dye into the fallopian tubes to see if it comes back out, which would indicate that they are not blocked.  They then deflate it, remove it, and voila! You re done.  I had this done on Monday afternoon, and the doctor who did the x-ray gave me just a basic rundown from what he could see, and I will be returning Tuesday to get more information from my doctor.  I was told that my right fallopian tube is probably blocked.  I was heartbroken.  I had pretty much thought I just had an ovulatory dysfunction, which is not great but she had a preliminary treatment plan worked up where I would get shots and go through IUI or just timed activities . Hearing that I had a blocked fallopian tube threw something else into the mix that I didn t expect.  There are a few family members and friends that are in the loop about this, but it has been overwhelming to say the least.  It s hard, and people don t always know the right things to say.  I feel like a lot of people mean well and I realize that deep down, but it s not always the things I really need to hear.  I honestly don t know what the next step will be, but I do know this journey could possibly be time consuming and will be expensive.  Having a baby is obviously not cheap but when you have to do fertility treatment in order to start the process itself, it s even more expensive.  Adoption is a common topic to bring up, and I m definitely not against it, but at this time in my life, I feel like there is a hole inside myself and I feel that I was meant to be a Mom.  I feel so much love within myself that is just wanting to carry a child and give it love.  I know I will never be rich in money, but I know that I could give a child all the love in the world.  Insurance covers birth control and in some places abortion but they don t cover fertility treatment.  I could possibly need surgery to fix my fallopian tube.  I know I will need injections and medicine and other procedures.  There are financing places you can go through, and I will definitely be looking into them, but when all is said and done, it could be thousands that I will have to pay over a period of time.By posting this and sharing this, I am opening myself up to hopefully support but also possibly criticism and negativity.  I know there are people that will be very against what I want because they feel that if you don t have the money, don t do it. This is an aspect that honestly infuriates me.  Whether a couple has a lot of money or not, people can give their opinions, but in a regular (lucky) situation, they get pregnant if they want to and other people s say doesn t really matter.  In my situation and others like mine, people can say I don t need a kid and what can I really do?  I can try financing, credit cards, etc. and maybe after all the money spent, I ll have a child, but maybe I won t.  It s hard opening up to people about this.  It s hard knowing I will have to hear some negativity or other people s plans that might not be what I want, especially when it comes from people who don t really understand from my point of view.  I will also be opening myself up to more people wanting updates and there are times honestly where I just don t want to talk about it.  Sometimes when my mind is on something else for a moment, the last thing I want is to be reminded of this horrible nightmare called infertility, which by the way, doesn t mean the inability to ever have a kid.  Infertility is when you have tried for 1 year and have been unsuccessful whether by not getting pregnant or just miscarrying over and over.  Seeing yourself diagnosed with infertility feels like a nightmare when you once dreamed of having a big family.I am sharing this story in hopes of gaining support but also to help break the stigma that comes with infertility.  I posted recently on FB about feeling inferior on Mother s Day because they are celebrating mothers and I haven t been able to have a baby myself.  One of my friends told me that I should never feel this one, and I am a woman regardless of whether I can ever bear a child or not.  That meant a lot because it s hard as a woman to feel like you are unable to do what other women can.  Finally, I am sharing this story to ask for help, whether it be through ideas or even through donations.  Please know that I absolutely hate having to ask people for anything.  I also know that a lot of people are like me in that they don t have a lot of money to give.  Please know that I don t think any less or better of a person depending on what they have to offer me.  As family and friends or even if you re a stranger just reading this and maybe thinking you would want to help, material things are not what I consider in liking a person.  Unfortunately, medical bills cost money, and I am in need of coming up with ways to raise money to help out with future fertility treatment.  I am considering starting a Gofundme account, but they do take fees out each time someone donates money.  I have also considered giving out my Paypal email for people to send donations as friends and family payment so there are no fees accrued.  I have had a friend offer to do a fundraiser (not saying names here).  If you have any ideas for me, please let me know.  Good ideas are worthwhile to me if you aren t able to do anything else.  Gofundme does allow for anonymous donations, which I know some people may prefer, so I am kind of waiting to see what response I may possibly get and what everyone thinks.I know this is a long blog, sorry!!  If you would like to private message me on FB or email me at Greeneyedramaqueen@gmail.com instead of leaving your response in the comments, you may do so!USA TODAY bestselling author Karpov Kinrade defied genre convention with Court of Nightfall. Now, they continue the epic saga of Scarlett Night, a rebel torn between two identities, in House of Ravens.If you re a fan of fantasy, urban fantasy, superheroes or just love a great story filled with action, adventure, love, betrayal, friendship, secrets and lies, then you ll enjoy The Nightfall Chronicles.HOUSE OF RAVENS (Book 2, The Nightfall Chronicles)You think you know the path to victory? Then tell me how you ll win.Will you buy triumph with gold and favors? Will you marshal armies and trade in blood? Or will you be the hand in the dark, your fingers on the strings? Whatever you decide, know this. If you put the innocent at risk Here s the cover!!!Court of Nightfall by Karpov Kinrade is coming December 14, 2014! Fans of Karpov Kinrade’s bestselling Seduced and Forbidden series will be STOKED—this is the launch of a whole new urban fantasy series based in the Seduced/Forbidden world, but with all new characters and story lines! Available RIGHT NOW for preorder:Amazon: http://bit.ly/NightfallAmazonB N: http://bit.ly/NightfallNookiBooks: http://bit.ly/NightfalliBooksKobo: http://bit.ly/NightfallKoboCheck out the blurb for Court of Nightfall:I ve spent my life in shades of grey. It wasn t until I died that my world filled with color. That night, I still lived in black and white.There was a full moon. Full and looking as if it had been rolled in powdered sugar then plopped back into the sky, so that a white dusting shone around it like a halo. I ve never believed in monsters, or any of that nonsense. Never believed that the dark could be scary.Until that night.Now I know the truth, but it is shrouded with lies. Now I can see the world in color, but it is covered in shadows.Now, I must find the monster that killed my parents. And when I do, I will use my new powers to seek vengeance. A life for the lives that beast stole from me. I am no longer just Scarlett Night, the color-blind girl who dreams of flying.Now, I am Nightfall—a fallen angel with a lust for blood. And I shall have my revenge.COMING DECEMBER 14, 2014 #NightfallisComingClick the link below for a chance to win!http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/22bd3a2a29/This is my first post in over 8 months.  Throughout those 8 months, I have wanted to return to my blog so bad but something always stops me.   Even typing this out right now, I am full of anxiety and fighting to continue.  I ve known that I suffer from depression since I was a teen.  I ve known that I suffer from anxiety for about a couple of months now.  Clinically diagnosed?  Not yet.  But I know that I do.There are many reasons that I have strayed from blogging.  Anxiety is a big catalyst behind it.  When I was last blogging, I was going through a weight loss journey and conquering it but also at the edges of slipping off the ledge.  After my Nanny died,  I was sad, and I gave in to whatever took my mind off that.  In other words, I stopped counting calories and carbs.  At first, I stuck with just drinking water and had a soda here and there and ate smaller portions but didn t care what kind of food .then 1 or 2 sodas a day you can probably see where this is going.  I lost my weight loss battle .I gained a lot of the weight I lost back .and with that weight gained, it was easier and easier to stay away from my blog.  I had so many people that were so proud of me for losing the weight.  I promised myself and so many others it would last this time.  Blogging again as the truthful me would expose that I failed that I am a big failure.  

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