I know I typically write this on the first day of the year, but I wasnt feeling it yesterday. I knew my new word for maybe a week already, but it was just not the right time to write.

Recapping 2020, aka, the year from hell in a handbasket my word was Revive. I dont know what I was expecting, exactly, but I know that I felt nearly dead inside. Not really knowing what to do or who I was. I needed healing and rebirth and in a way, 2020 gave that to me. The social solitude was good in some ways to help me reflect on what is important, to test who and what I want in my life. I know many others had similar thoughts and feelings and the world doesnt need another blog post about all that.

So here I am at a new year. And I know that I dont even know myself. Chris said my name yesterday and I swear I feel no connection to it maybe just because I havent heard it said in so long? Who knows. I think back on my memories (which are limited because I have a shit memory) and its like theres a person back there that I dont know anymore.

Theres things in my life Im proud of, theres things I wish I had done. Theres a person I want to be that needs to meld and grow with whoever I am now. So thats where I am looking forward. But it all just scares the shit out of me. My normal level of anxiety is extra (thanks Covid!), but its always been a challenge for me to really push myself. My therapist pointed out the enneagram to me last year and I dove into a lot of introspection on myself and my fears and Im so much a 7. I fear pain and suffering and challenges. I want fun and easy and enjoyable and to just grow without growing pains. Which is why this year my word is:

Courage.

Word recap!

2019: Hope
2018: Now
2017: Rest
2016: Joy
2015: Devotion
2014: Embrace
2013: Be
2012: Do
2011: Harmony

Last year was rough. I think I anticipated it and thats why I chose hope as my word. I knew that I was going to need an anchor, but I gotta say, its one thing to know whats coming and its another to be prepared. And really, I dont think I fathomed just what was ahead of me.

2019 sucked. A lot. There were bright spots, sure. Silver linings. But mostly it was just terrible. Im so ready to put it behind me.

Im ready for something new. Im feeling a bit like Anna in Frozen 2 (spoilers ahead?). Near the climax of the movie, when it feels like everything has been torn away from her, she sits there, curled up and alone. And sings a magnificent song about doing The Next Right Thing. Shes full of grief, with no hope. And goodness do I FEEL THAT. But, like her, Im not one to give up. Im not the one who will curl up and just stop. My endless optimism is a lot like Annas and its annoying as heck sometime, but at the same time, its that inner voice that just says to keep taking little steps.

So this year, the start of something new. I need to be renewed, refreshed. So my word this year is Revive. I need to be brought back to life in so many ways. I dont know whats ahead, maybe another crappy year, but do I have another choice besides going forward?

So, recapping the past words:

2018: Now
2017: Rest
2016: Joy
2015: Devotion
2014: Embrace
2013: Be
2012: Do
2011: Harmony

Its a nice collection! I love the balance between more active words and more contemplative words. Theres a beauty to it.

Ive thought a lot the last week or so about what I want to go with this year. I have so many plans and things going on and I feel such an expectation of what is coming this year. But at the heart of everything, really at the center of my heart, was something thats been kindling and just sort of sitting as a little seed that has been yearning to grow. And that is Hope.

Ive always borne a cross thats weighted with cynicism, distrust, despair and not a wee bit of agnosticism. Its not an easy cross (what cross is?) because its always trying to tear away hope. And trust. And faith. And it makes me crazy its like being plagued by demons who love to use gaslighting.

So Ive prayed for trust a lot in the past. And I certainly feel that Ive grown in that. But I need more and I think I need more hope.

I need that spirit of quiet assurance in Christ. In His Promises.

I need to feed my soul on the feast of those promises. I need to rest in quiet prayer, even when it feels like theres no one listening. I need hope to be my anchor.

So heres to 2019.. a year of Hope!

Wow.

If you want to see something amazing, look at the last few posts.  After my year of Rest, I chose Now as my word for 2018.  And what a word.  Full of potential!  Hope!  I KNEW God had plans for me and He would reveal them when I needed to know them.  And boy oh boy did He put a lot on my plate.

Lets track the year a bit, shall we?

January, February March April

All pretty normal.  Jury duty, Maggie, Grace (attempting to) play basketball.  Building friendships.  Trying new things, like sewing some clothes that turned out TERRIBLE (I blame the fabric from Joanns, honestly.  And not pressing seams. ALWAYS PRESS YOUR SEAMS.).

School.  And cheer.  And dance.  And just normal.  All so very very normal.

Maggie had her first birthday!  And I was asked to help with the school facebook page, so I started taking more pictures and being around more.

And then was elected PTG president. 

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