The Mideast Beast - Because all news is satirical

Time 2020-12-08 19:08:04

Web Name: The Mideast Beast - Because all news is satirical

WebSite: http://www.themideastbeast.com

ID:127852

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Acknowledging some responsibility for former New York City mayor and Donald Trump’s personal attorney, the terrorist group al Qaeda formally apologized for the role it played in bringing Rudy Giuliani to national prominence. The apology comes as Giuliani, who was named Time’s Person of the Year in 2001 for his response to the September 11 attacks, seeks to overturn Joe... Get your satire fix with The Mideast Beast Daily, emailed straight to your inbox. Sort that FOMO. Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was found dead in his Tehran home Saturday, taking his own life after discovering that he is sexually attracted to actor Elliot Page. Ahmadinejad reportedly discovered his attraction to the actor, who is formerly known as Ellen and recently came out as transgender, while watching the 2007 Oscar-winning film Juno. Ahmadinejad, who has frequently condemned... In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference, covered by OAN news network, between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy... In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal team, which has come up... New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed the scientist pickup up a... Looking to disprove reports that its leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has died, al Qaeda has released a video of Zawahiri discussing current events including the hit Netflix show “Tiger King.” “The evil of America is once again on display. Poor Yusuf al-Exotic is rotting in prison, while that husband-murdering infidel Carole Baskin is walking free,” Zawahiri is seen saying on the... Desperate to halt the publication of a new book by Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson, staff at Penguin Random House have called on Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei to issue a fatwa declaring the book blasphemous. The employees made their request in an anonymous letter to the Ayatollah, suggesting that he also offer a bounty for anyone who killed Peterson. “Your... After receiving reviews that their depiction of the British royal family is “somewhat tedious and dull,” the team behind The Crown announced a new spinoff version of the show following the exploits of the House of Saud. This version is sure to have far fewer boring political scenes, as the royal leaders only turn to two sources for advice: themselves... In another blow to Iran’s weapons programs, the country’s leading designer of nunchucks has been assassinated, with Israel suspected of carrying out the operation. Basir Latifi, the mastermind behind Iran’s advanced nunchuck program, was gunned down while exiting his car in downtown Tehran. Though no group or country has officially taken responsibility, the gunmen were seen wearing kippot (skull caps)... Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this... It has been confirmed that President Trump’s recent calls for downsizing US troops in Afghanistan is to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being... In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, underpaid... The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be... Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The... Calling it the most shocking revelation yet, President Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani said he has compelling evidence that the ghost of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden worked with the ghost of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez to hack Dominion voting machines. Bin Laden and Chavez worked together to change millions of Trump votes to former Vice President Joe Biden,... Looking to earn the respect of his organization’s fighters, ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi has agreed to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a Gucci dress for the magazine’s January issue. Qurashi, who has struggled to earn the trust of his mujahadeen since his predecessor Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed, told The Mideast Beast that the idea came... Congressman-elect Madison Cawthorn has brokered a historic peace deal between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, ending generations of distrust by convincing both leaders to convert to Christianity. Ending the religious dispute, Cawthorn explained, opened the door for a broader reconciliation. “Once we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, all the other issues just... Once upon a time, prior to the advent of Twitter, any relationship between an Arab country and Israel would be cause for celebration, yet given the current climate in the Middle East, some are unsure of the normalization of relations between Israel, the United Arab Emirates (UAE), Bahrain, and now Sudan. While the historic deal between Israel, the Gulf states,... Acknowledging that the term is considered offensive, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman apologized for executing homosexuals based on their “sexual preference” rather than their sexual orientation. Bin Salman’s apology came after Kyle Griffin, a senior producer for MSNBC, pointed out on Twitter that the Saudi penal code called for “the beheading of the homosexual evildoers, who defy the will... In a move that has alarmed Democrats, US President Donald Trump named Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, who came to power in a 2013 coup d’état, to replace former Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. The move comes amid fears that Trump will refuse to leave office following his loss to former Vice President Joe Biden in last week’s election. Sisi’s...

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