Update 8-10-20

Disclaimer An individual who shall remain unnamed is claiming this article is about some sort of plot against him. He is not hinted at or inferred anywhere in this document. I do not use an alias for him. My story is my story. Everything in this account can be backed up with paperwork and multiple corroborating witnesses most of whom are named. There is no implied or hidden story.

For the past three and half years Ive secretly worked as a researcher of the far right. The story Im about to tell is bonkers. It involves an aging hipster, a hate group, an ambush by the NY Daily News, a phone call to the FBI, a surprise visit by the NYPD anti-terrorist task force, a bomb threat, homemade raw cat food and burlesque performers.

Before I get into it, I feel I need to introduce myself to any readers who might not already know me. Im a 47-year-old divorcee in Brooklyn who lives with three cats. Ive worked as a face and body painter for the past 19 years. I wont waste too much time with my personal history except to say that up until 2013 I used to work as an emcee/producer in the burlesque scene in New York City. You can probably still find photos of me online in various costumes screaming or singing at strangers. I only mention my past with burlesque because it directly lead me into becoming a researcher of a far right hate group.

Im not exactly sure when this whole endeavor started but sometime before the last presidential election in 2016 a few friends asked for a favor. They were still actively working as burlesque/nightlife performers in various clubs in New York City. They sometimes worked with a woman who was making them extremely uncomfortable. For legal reasons Im going to call this woman Portia. Shes not the focus of this story but because shes made several false accusations about me in the press and on social media Im going to avoid using her legal or stage name. This story is long and involved so Im going to use a bit of a timeline throughout to help frame the events.

My friends sought my help because they knew I worked with video. At this point Portia had made a few appearances on theThe Gavin McInnes Show (TGMS). TGMS was one of many shows on the subscription based streaming platform, Compound Media, founded by disgraced shock jock Anthony Cumia. The burlesque performers wanted me to capture every time Portia appeared on TGMS and give them the footage. One of them was already paying for a subscription but she had no experience working with video. They wanted to show producers proof that Portia was espousing what they thought were anti-LGBTQ and racist views. They didnt feel safe performing with her. They were also concerned that a fan of TGMS might show up and cause trouble for a number of LGBTQ performers who worked with them. McInnes did not hide his contempt for trans women, even going so far as to call them mentally ill gays and even wrote an article claiming that transphobia was perfectly natural.

Id never really captured video off of a computer screen before and I didnt want to spend any money on expensive software. I used my old camcorder and a laptop to capture episodes of TGMS featuring Portia. I would just line up the camera and crop the screen as best as I could. The trickiest part was keeping my cats from meowing too much or walking through the shot. This was more difficult than you can imagine some days.

Almost immediately I switched my focus from Portia to McInnes. Portia gave me exactly what my friends wanted. She would insult them, trash the nightclub and burlesque scene while occasionally saying something embarrassing, hateful or racist. The other performers were happy with what I was giving them but Portia didnt really interest me. I had stopped working in burlesque around 2013 and had no personal history with her.

I admit Id never heard of McInnes before I watched the first episode of his show on Compound Media. McInnes was a founder of Vice Media who severed his ties with the company in 2008 due to creative differences. His departure included a large multi-million dollar settlement. His rhetoric was the same old tired aggrieved white male schtick mixed with racism, misogyny, xenophobia, and general bigotry. McInnes wasnt unique in his vitriol. I could easily find a few dozen angry white men on various platforms spewing the same kind of hate. What set McInnes apart were two things — a fraternal group of men hed founded called The Proud Boys, and McInness repeated statements glorifying and encouraging the use of violence for political means.

The Proud Boys were supposed to be about celebrating masculinity and Western civilization. Members could be any ethnicity or sexual orientation although most of them featured on TGMS were straight and white. Proud Boys were initiated into the group via a mild hazing and prohibited from masturbating. Soon after he founded the group, McInnes claimed to have at least 10,000 members with chapters worldwide. His appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience helped promote the group.

I contacted a local antifa group in New York City since they had already run a story about Portia along with other local far right figures. I let them know what I was doing and asked if they wanted any specific footage. They told me immediately they wanted whatever I could find of McInnes inciting violence. I sent them my first clip, one of McInnes saying.

Episode 006 McInnes Five men in this room have violated some stupid fucking law, and we can get thrown in jail tomorrow. So instead of hiding and hoping we dont get caught we have to go, these laws are insane, get a fucking gun.

They thanked me but didnt really do much with it. I knew I could find more quotes so I kept hunting. When I started this project McInnes had already made a couple hundred episodes and was making about four new episodes a week. I realized I would never be able to catch up and capture/edit all of them. I figured the best way to get what I needed was to create a spreadsheet and edit episodes with high profile guests such as Richard Spencer, David Duke and Milo Yiannopoulos. I spent a day going through the entire catalog of existing episodes on the Compound site and wrote down as much as I could find. Then I went to work. Id capture the episodes on my camera, then download and edit them on my desktop. To speed things up a bit I would watch and edit most episodes at 125% speed.

Within a couple of months Id completely given up on working with antifa. We werent exactly a good fit. They didnt seem to know what to do with the footage I gave them and they sometimes completely blew off my emails. I wasnt about to sit through dozens of hours of toxic rants by McInnes for nothing.

I decided to seek out a reporter who might be interested. At this point I had about 10 minutes worth of clips of McInnes inciting violence. I created a transcript so I could easily cut and past quotes to show reporters exactly what I had. McInnes had mentioned a woman named Amanda Marcotte on multiple episodes. He claimed he was suing her over an article shed written about him on Salon.com. I figured if anyone would want to see this footage it would be Marcotte. I discovered we were already friends on Facebook as I had added her a couple years prior after sending her some fan mail over an article shed written. When Marcotte and I met she was floored by the sheer amount of clips I had gotten at that point. I had folders for every topic: black, Latino, Asian, Women, Muslims, LGBTQ and of course violence. Marcotte said she would talk to her editor and she what she could do.

McInnes has said repeatedly that the Proud Boys are not violent and did not promote white supremacy. The amount of times McInnes used the n-word and other racial slurs was staggering. He often went on long rants about how different ethnicities evolved over time. Here are a few clips that indicate the true nature of McInness beliefs.

Episode 130 McInnes I used to box at a gym called Church Street Boxing Gym here in New York. That had a huge motto, and it was on their t-shirts too. “Fighting solves everything”. We need more violence from the Trump people, Trump supporters, choke a motherfucker, choke a bitch, choke a tranny, get your fingers around the windpipe if they spit on you. That’s assault. Don’t fucking let anyone spit in your fucking face.

Episode 322 McInnes I was on Malsberg on Newsmax yesterday and he goes and I go it’s fun to punch these kidsbecause they’ve never been punched before. So they fall on their ass and they look like Indiana Jones, I was watching Indiana Jones last night remember that bald dude when he’strying to get into the Nazi plane and he keeps punching him, Indiana Jones, and the guy’s so huge Indiana Jones is like “bonk” on his ass after every punch and that’s what it’s like with them and Malsberg was like “You’re not advocating violence are you?” and I was like “I absolutely am. In fact I’m mad at you for not advocating it in the past. It’s a wonderful effective thing.”

Episode 104 McInnes I think theres uh something that a lot of people are too scared to bring up when you talk about Western culture is white culture. And I keep it cultural and Ive got plenty of black friends and Im not gonna, but when I think of other cultures and other races in America the ones that thrive are the ones that tend to go white . . . so I think the west is made up of white people and people who recognize that the white system seems to be a pretty good system. Its a very contentious subject but I think the sorta the sub-angle with this is that Western culture is on the demise and if we could unify it we might have a chance of it going like this (gestures down) to this (gestures up). Because you know whatever replaces the West is going to be worse.

Episode 267 McInnes God started the microchip 3.5 billion years ago and he just sort of rolled it and he said if youre a Dodo bird and youre delicious youre going to get eaten and youre not going to last long. The other guys who experience winter theyre going to become really tough they are going to become Vikings they are going to take over the world and they are going to be my best people, (laughs) they are the chosen ones.

Episode 145 McInnes My favorite monkey has to be Barack Obama, hes my favorite n*gger.

Episode 059 McInnes (Black people) They spent more times climbing trees or I dont know what it is but genetically something is built up. (mimes climbing with his arms).

Episode 230 McInnes If youre with Leslie Jones and you see youre guys the next day, and youre like (said in Jamaican accent) why you going on with that big gorilla from SNL.

After a month or so Marcotte let me know her editor didnt want to go with the story for a number of different reasons but she referred me to other reporters who worked the same beat.

At the same time around March of 2017 I anonymously sent a flash drive of what I had with a one page document to the FBI headquarters in New York City. From what Ive read in the press the FBI was already investigating McInnes and the group at that point.

Im not sure exactly when I stumbled on the fourth degree as I was jumping around the catalog of episodes. On 11/28/16 Episode 253 McInnes announced a new level in the Proud Boys organization. A Proud Boy named Shawn Fitchner was declared the first fourth degree Proud Boy after hed gotten arrested and then briefly jailed over a fight. The 1st, 2nd and 3rd degrees of Proud Boy membership were as follows:

1st degree Stating the Proud Boys creed

2nd degree Saying five breakfast cereals while being punched by other Proud Boys

3rd degree Getting a tattoo of the words Proud Boys somewhere on their body.

4th degree Get in a fight, get arrested for the cause (Exact wording changed over time)

Episode 253 McInnes Its being physically assaulted for the cause. Getting arrested, getting in a fight. Now the fight has to be an organized fight, not just getting in a fight. So it has to be some conflict thats officiated. Now if you get arrested for something, thats been officiated by the police so that counts. Ill just make it two things, one an organized fight in a ring. Boom fourth degree. Two you got arrested for fucking around and it was Proud Boys related. Thats fourth degree, one of those two things

As I progressed through the series I noticed McInnes ramping up his calls for violence. I was collecting quotes from nearly every episode. Then something happened that dramatically changed his tone.

On August 12th, 2017 in Charlottesville Virginia, James Alex Fields Jr. intentionally drove his car into a crowd of people injuring 28 and killing Heather Heyer. Fields previous espoused white supremacist and Neo Nazi beliefs. Although there is no evidence that Fields was connected in any way with the Proud Boys or their organization, a former Proud Boy, Jason Kessler was one of the organizers of the event. McInnes did not attend the event himself but some members of the Proud Boys did attend.

To quote the Southern Poverty Law Center

Their disavowals of bigotry are belied by their actions: rank-and-file Proud Boys and leaders regularly spout white nationalist memes and maintain affiliations with known extremists. They are known for anti-Muslim and misogynistic rhetoric. Proud Boys have appeared alongside other hate groups at extremist gatherings like the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville. Indeed, former Proud Boys member Jason Kesslerhelped to organize the event, which brought together Klansmen, antisemites, Southern racists, and militias. Kessler was only “expelled” from the group after the violence and near-universal condemnation of the Charlottesville rally-goers.

After Unite the Right McInnes immediately pulled back on most of his violent rhetoric and disavowed Jason Kessler claiming he was never a Proud Boy to begin with. McInnes soon left Compound Media for a new job at CRTV, a network owned by Mark Levin a conservative lawyer, author and radio personality. The move appeared to be an attempt to rebrand. CRTV had more of a traditional conservative base including Christians who wouldnt go for McInness typical antics. I watched a couple of episodes of his new show Get Off My Lawn on CRTV and immediately lost interest as I could tell McInnes was essentially muzzled. I knew I wouldnt get useful content so I didnt bother capturing any of it.

Quotes from the footage Id captured from TGMS were making their way into various articles. The real game changer came when Michael Edison Hayden, now of the Southern Poverty Law Center, introduced me to the satirists Vic Berger IV and Nathan Bernard.

At the time Berger worked for a Super Deluxe, a division of Turner Broadcasting. Berger was known for making trippy, surreal, satirical videos using found footage of various politicians and celebrities. Berger had already targeted McInnes for ridicule before I contacted him. His first short videos of McInnes made with my clips were meant to embarrass and mock McInnes more than anything else. McInnes made this job somewhat easy as he tended to do incredibly outrageous things on camera such as: inserting a butt plug up his own anus, whipping his penis out and humping green screens with porn stars projected on them.

In May of 2018, after a couple of somewhat successful parody videos of McInnes, a member of the Proud Boys showed up at Vic Bergers houseas a means of intimidating him. Berger chased the man down and filed a police report. Bergers response was to double down and make even more videos critical of McInnes using the footage I gave him.

Around this same time my name appeared in an article on the now defunct blog/website of Milo Yiannopoulos. In a long and rambling mess written by fellow Proud Boy, Pawl Bazile, I was accused of all sorts of nonsense regarding Portia. The article used the plural pronoun they throughout so I wasnt really sure what I was being accused of by Portia or Bazile. The blog post didnt show up in a news search for my name so I decided to ignore it completely. I got exactly three hostile comments on my social media from it.

About a week later I got a voicemail from a state trooper in Rhinebeck, NY telling me he was contacting me on behalf of Portia. This was utterly bizarre as I had never even been in Rhienbeck, NY and had no idea why he was even contacting me. I knew that Portia was from that area of NY state and a friend told me she thought Portia had a relative who was a retired state trooper. After two and half months of phone tag, the officer did not have voicemail, the entire ordeal was resolved in a phone call. The officer let me know the compliant was not a criminal matter. The accusation against me was that I had given private information about Portia to a local antifa group. The only information Ive ever had regarding Portia was her media appearances on TGMS and elsewhere. The local antifa based group had already published an article featuring Portia before Id even contacted them. Portia then went on various right wing media outlets where she made claims about suing me and having me arrested. Although she never called me out by name, it was obvious to me who she was talking about. I wasnt following her at all at this point. The other burlesque performers sent me links to everything.

In August of 2018 about a week before the second Unite the Right rally in Washington DC, Twitter suspended the account of McInnes and all accounts associated with the Proud Boys. I suspect part of the reason for his suspension might have been the incident involving a Proud Boy showing up at Bergers home. Twitter never gave an exact reason.

Things calmed down a bit until the night of October 12, 2018. McInnes was invited to speak at the Metropolitan Republican Club in the posh Upper East Side neighborhood in Manhattan. The club had been hit with vandalism and threats allegedly by antifa groups before the meeting. That night several different groups showed up to protest the event which ended with McInnes brandishing a plastic sword before he entered a car and drove away. Soon after a fight broke out and a group of protesters were beaten by members of the Proud Boys.

As soon as news broke about the fight I was flooded with requests for my footage. At this point I had currated and edited about an hours worth of clips about violence. I created a file sharing account and then contacted journalists who I was already working with such as Andy Campbell, Michael Edison Hayden, Christopher Mathias, Jared Holt, Amanda Marcotte and a slew of other reporters.

Within a couple of days Berger, using my clips, made a video that got roughly 2 million views on Twitter. Bergers video was devastating. He captured what I had been seeing for years in a perfect 2 minute 20 second video. The Proud Boys and Gavin were summarily kicked off of Facebook and Instagram soon after. Within a week or so of the video dropping McInnes was fired from his show on the newly formed Blaze TV.

That week I decided to call the FBI and tell them what I had. Although I didnt give the agent my name I did give her my phone number which would have lead them to me instantly. She told me to go ahead and drop my letter and the flash drive off at the FBI office in New York City. After working on cleaning up all of my files for hours I rushed to get to their headquarters where I was told that I couldnt drop anything off in person. Due to security reasons they would only accept my submission via the USPS. I asked them what was the best way to hide my identity and the clerk told me to use their address as my return address.

I went home and mailed the padded envelope the next day along with one for the States Attorney. I included Jared Holt of Right Wing Watch as a potential contact if they needed any additional information. I then made a list of everyone else I thought should see this footage. I started with a brief list of government officials the Southern Poverty Law Center provided on their website. The governor and mayor were both begging the public for information. With the help of some of the burlesque performers I purchased flash drives in bulk from Amazon. I made a six minute montage of the worst clips for government officials and filled larger drives with everything I had for media outlets.

Over the course of a few days I sent out about 20 padded envelopes all addressed as the FBI had instructed. Each envelope was completely flat, weighed exactly 2 ounces and contained nothing but a flash drive and a piece of paper. I decided to send the video this way since I ran into so many problems when I tried to contact people via email or a website form. I was ignored by any number of reporters. I figured if I just sent them the flash drive, they could watch it if they wanted, and if they werent interested they could throw it away. I used the senders address as my return address. I mailed about half of them from my local post office using my debit card, and the other half from the main post office across from Madison Square Garden. I purposefully used a clerk instead of stamps or a self-service machine to avoid suspicion.

On the morning of October 24, 2018 I got an email from Amanda Marcotte. She knew I was sending things out to various officials and thought she spotted my envelope. She attached an image. My heart sank. There it was a photo of the envelope Id sent to the governor on some type of scale in a mail room. I had the unfortunate luck to send my packages out on the same day that a crazy Trump supporter sent out pipe bombs to various Democrat politicians and media outlets. The fact that my envelope contained a small piece of metal and had no return address was enough for authorities to panic and flag it. I immediately called the governors office. As soon as I could get an operator I said the following,

Im the person who sent that package that you think is a bomb. Its harmless. Do you know that yet?

The operator replied, You need to speak with a police officer. Can you hold please?

About ten minutes later I spoke to a State Trooper in charge of the case. At this point theyd opened the envelope and realized it was in fact harmless. After speaking with the officer for at least 20-30 minutes I thought my ordeal was over. Heres what my package looked like.

This is what the pipe bombs looked like.

Notice the many differences. Mine included a label from an actual clerk in a Brooklyn post office. The information on the label would most likely trace back to my debit card if law enforcement really wanted to know where it came from. The pipe bombs were sent from Florida. I also hand wrote the address and my package was completely flat and weighed two ounces. I even wrote Proud Boys with an asterisk on the bottom of the envelope in the hope that someone might figure out it was a crime tip. Im not sure why they thought anything that weighed only two ounces could be a bomb but apparently my innocent crime tip set off a reaction that lead to about 400 police officers storming the mail room and Manhattan offices of Governor Cuomo.

Meanwhile on Twitter people had traced my package back to the post office from where I sent it. My mind raced as I thought back to the ridiculous article on Milos website that had been published in May. Im sure the author, Pawl Bazile, knew where I lived. They might actually figure out who sent the package. I contacted the reporters who posted the image but they couldnt care less that they had documented a crime tip as a potential bomb.

That night it was time to make a fresh batch of cat food, an activity I do about once a month. To make the cat food I have to move everything off my counter onto my table, which makes a huge mess. I then have to take frozen chopped up chicken thighs, bones and all, and shove them through a grinder which makes a lot of noise and tends to splatter bone marrow in various directions. The whole process is arduous and disgusting.

At 9:00 PM that night after making the first batch of food I got a knock on my door. Again my heart sank. Maybe it was one of the Proud Boys who figured out that I was a source of information showing up to my home like they did to Vic Berger. I said,

Could you idenitfy yourself please?

NYPD and State Police we just want to ask you a few questions.

Oh thank God its you. I said as I quickly peeked open the door.

Ive got blood all over my hands. I was making cat food. Give me a second.

I put the remaining frozen chicken back into the freezer, put my meat cleaver down, ripped off my gloves and let the cops in. My apartment looked about as bad as it ever looks so I apologized for the mess. I could also smell the distinctive stench of dead chicken throughout the entire place.

The cops walked in, realized it was a studio apartment and settled in. I was sitting while they stood. It was two state troopers and two NYPD officers all in plain clothes while an unknown number of plain clothed officers also waited outside in the hallway.

Then the questions started.

The state troopers were kind and openly made fun of Gavin. The NYPD members acted like I was insane. The main NYPD detective starred at various objects in my office area, an old mermaid parade costume of the statue of liberty with the words RESIST across the crown was of great interest.

The female state trooper seemed genuinely interested in the raw diet I fed my cats. My guess is she was there to keep me calm. After about 30-40 minutes I gave the officers a list of everywhere Id sent an envelope and proved to them that I had absolutely nothing to hide. I got my first laugh line when I told them.

Im not a radical. I voted for Hillary Clinton. Do you want to see one of my campaign t-shirts?

I thought it would be obvious when they saw three cats running around and two giant overstuffed bookshelves what kind of person I was — a nerd.

I was coming home from a kids party Id just worked for a regular client in the Upper West Side. I had on a blue velvet jacket trimmed in metallic brocade and a felt top hat, along with my shopping trolly covered in kid friendly patches. I saw an older white man in my lobby who was just sitting there with a notepad. I assumed it was another cop. I went to my mailbox got my mail and tried to avoid him.

Ms Jesk he mispronounced my last name. Its a common mistake. People assume the e is silent. My last name is pronounced closer to Jes-key.

When I turned I saw his press badge (NY Daily News) around his neck and then I really panicked. Somehow having four cops in my apartment didnt freak me out but being exposed as a source on this story sent me into an aboslute terror.

How do you know my name? I sent you something anonymously. I do not want to be named. I dont want to be the story. Why would you do this to a source? Please leave me alone. Give me your phone I want to talk to your boss.

The reporter seemed stunned and obliged. I proceeded to chew out his boss. I was then hit up with the same series of questions all of which I answered as I had in the past with the cops. The one that really pissed me off was Have you ever dated any of these men? I understand why that might seem like an obvious question but it annoyed me off that they would think a woman couldnt do something like this without some type of revenge motive.

Then he asked Did you give this to the NY Post?

I responded No, why would I waste the postage on them?

Good.

The reporters boss told me that they received my information through a source at the NYPD. My panic only got worse. I found out weeks later that they most likely got my information through a police scanner. They were making an educated guess based on the fact that both the NYPD anti-terrorism task force and state police showed up at my apartment the night before.

After going back and forth with the reporter on the phone and the one in my lobby I had a complete breakdown. I quoted to them from video Id seen and captured the night before that Pawl Brazile had made on a Facebook Proud Boys group. (The entire group was kicked off of Facebook only a few days after this incident)

We will find whomever sent this fake bomb to the governor and hang them from the highest tree, metaphorically of course.

With that quote and my complete emotional break down the reporter decided to back off. I then said something to the effect of having Grandparents of German descent who couldnt even speak of World War II without sobbing. I had always asked myself what would I do if I saw the rise of something so horrible in my lifetime. I was just trying to help. I didnt want publicity. I didnt make any money off of this entire ordeal, Id spent money on it.

Im not even sure what I said as I was a complete and utter mess. As I got off the phone I saw the reporter, a man probably in his late 50s. He was also crying. He said,

Im so sorry. We didnt know. Thanks so much for trying to do the right thing. We need more Americans like you.

I wiped my tears and got into the elevator and called a family member who assured me they couldnt run a story like that without my consent. I guess I should have known something like this could have happened but I never would have thought in a million years that my tiny flash drive would get mistaken for a bomb or that a reporter would want to do a story about me. I found out later that the NYPD had gone around to all of the locations Id sent envelopes and picked them up. The only two media companies who refused to give them up were the NY Daily News and Buzzfeed.

I woke up late having been drained by the weeks events. I picked up my phone and continued to have another meltdown. My phone filled up with updates about a mass shooting. It was a synagogue in Pittsburgh. Eleven people were dead simply for being Jewish. The man was driven by deep hatred that had been stoked by others on the far right.

I couldnt move and could barely breathe. Through studying McInnes Id learned far more about any number of far right personalities and the toxic hate they promoted. McInnes had made a number of problematic statements about Jewish people including terrible jokes about the holocaust. McInnes tread a fine line he was usually not overtly anti-Semitic yet hed had guests on his show like David Duke who had built a career on his hatred of Jews. Was this the start? Would there be more shootings?

McInnes posts a video on YouTube where he formally quits the Proud Boys. He claimed he was quitting the group on the basis that it might help the men who were charged in the fight outside the Metropolitan Republican Club. I wasnt really sure how that would work as hed have to go back in time and never form the group in the first place to really help these men. It seemed more like McInnes was trying to save himself more than anything.

The trial for two of the men arrested and charged in the fight outside the Metropolitan Republican Club begins. A couple of weeks earlier I contacted the Assistant District Attorney handling the case, Joshua Steinglass. I was suprirsed that the operator gave me him directly and not a paralegal. At first he also thought I was a random nutjob until I described exactly what Id sent the states attorney. For the next few weeks I agreed to capture and edit any comments McInnes or any of his guests made about the case and send them to Steinglass via his paralegal. I would find myself coming home after long catering gigs or special events and then watching McInnes on his new network. McInnes talked about the case constantly.

I also discovered that some of the clips that I gave to the States Attorney were used as evidence in the case or at least submitted as evidence. The quote about Gavin comparing Barack Obama to a monkey was quoted in The New York Times.

About a year after the brawl outside the Metropolitian Republican Club two members of the Proud Boys were sentenced to four years in prison for the actions the night of the fight. I found out via text by Jared Holt while in the middle of a catering gig. I had mixed feelings. I actually felt somewhat sorry for the two men. One of them did kick another man in the head but I agreed with the judge on the case Mark Dwyer who said,

“It’s a shame when some people jump up and down on a platformand their followers, their soldiers, get into trouble.”

McInnes was reckless in his promotion of violence. He somehow thought using violence as a means of political change was something he came up with. He didnt bother to notice the overwhelming evidence that violence just begets more violence and that any group who tries to beat their opponents into submission is rarely viewed positively.

A group calling themselves Latinos for Trump held a rally in support of the convicted Proud Boys outside of a Trump Tower in Midtown Manhattan. About two dozen Proud Boys supporters were met by approx. 300 counter protesters across the street. The protest was rather tame as the NYPD made sure the two groups were nowhere near each other. The night before I made a two-sided sign. I rarely go to protests of any kind but I decided I should go to this one. I put on my Vic Berger IV t-shirt and layered up as it was bitterly cold that day.

The front of my sign said.

This was meant as an inside joke for Vic Berger and the many reporters Id worked with. The flip side of my sign said. Proud Boys Go Back to Your Mommies the following image is from a story about the march in the NY Post.

Thats yours truly on screen while McInnes discusses my sign. I nearly fell over when I realized they were referencing me. I realized at that moment why antifa protesters often cover their faces.

Soon after this I stopped watching or editing McInness show. He spent most episodes complaining about his plight more than anything else. He once had a 50 minute segment called The People in your Neighborhood where he ranted about the various different types of people who accosted him in public. Im sure his viewers could relate.

This whole experience changed me in ways I cant begin to describe in words. In the days after the Pittsburgh shooting I decided I was going to change course completely and go back to school to pursue researching and writing about the far right full-time. McInnes was his own worst enemy. In his attempts to silence or intimidate his critics like Marcotte, he lead me directly to the best resource to expose him. I met other reporters this way. McInnes would insult them in a segment. Id capture the footage and then send it to a reporter. Its how I met Colin Moynihan of the NY Times.

Im sure now I will be trolled for days or even longer. McInnes will call me a spinster with dried up ovaries who has become a colostomy bag for mens cum. He will say I cant write and that Im a loser, even though as an entrepreneur technically the Proud Boys are supposed to celebrate me. I will take the hits as they come. The first amendment applies to everyone, including people McInnes doesnt agree with. If he or anyone says anything into a camera they should expect someone who is critical of them is watching. Of course he or anyone can say whatever they want on any platform but those words do not come without consequence.

In the most surprising twist of this story I discovered that Alex Jones was kicked off of Facebook due to his association with McInnes. I sent an email to a number of the reporters Ive worked with the subject title We are the Masters of the Universe. I was joking of course but I never would have imagined when I set off on this project that I would ever have any influence towards getting someone like Jones kicked off a platform like Facebook. I was just a nerdy crazy cat lady after all. I still make raw cat food, although now I have a much better meat grinder it doesnt make nearly as big of a mess.

Follow me on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/JulietJeske

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Exactly 18 years ago today the United States experienced the worst terrorist attack on US soil.  Nineteen men hijacked four fuel loaded U.S. commercial airplanes bound for west coast cities.  The planes were intentionally flown into both the North and South tower of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in Washington DC.  A fourth plane was diverted by courageous passengers and crash landed in a field outside of Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

The death toll was as follows.

Since the attack over 241 NYPD officers and an additional 202 FDNY firefighters have died from respiratory illnesses related to the toxic plume of dust at ground zero.

I lived in New York at the time of the disaster.  I had only lived here for five months when this city was stabbed in the heart.  Although my apartment was over three miles away from the World Trade Center, my neighborhood of Kensington Brooklyn was covered in a fine dust of pulverized glass, concrete, steel and human remains that covered victims at ground zero. The ash fell so subtly and faintly that I didnt notice it until the next morning when every car was suddenly covered in a light gray powder.  I felt the same gritty ash between my fingers as it collected on the only window sill that was downwind of the attack.

After 9/11 I naively thought that this day would be remembered with reverence by all Americans.  Sadly the event has turned into a political football of sorts, tossed around and exploited to serve any number of purposes. The right wing used the disaster as a rallying call to war.  The US dropped bombs on Afghanistan a month after the attack  then invaded Iraq under completely dubious claims that Iraq was somehow connected to the event.

The fringes of the left wing have gone in a completely different direction.  Many have cynically decided that the attack on 9/11 was well deserved for the many abuses and atrocities the US government has committed in the Middle East and elsewhere.  On August 23rd, 2019 a left wing pundit affiliated with the online news network The Young Turks, Hasan Piker flippantly joked on his own twitch account.

America deserved 9/11

Im not sure where the humor was in his statement but Piker later apologized, although he was less than contrite.  When 9/11 happened Piker was a 4th grader living in Turkey.  Perhaps his youth and inexperience might play a role here.  However Piker is not alone, I have seen similar sentiments promoted by others on the far left.

In some ways I get why Piker might actually believe what he said, why it was easy to let those words come flying out of his mouth.   If I tried to list all of the fiascos the US government has facilitated or exacerbated in foreign countries this article would be several volumes long.  From South and Central America to the Middle East, Asia and beyond the U.S. government has purposefully and indirectly caused great destruction and massive loss of life.  In the case of Iran our government destroyed a democracy while propping up corrupt dictators all in the name of cheap oil.  Even when we are trying to stop violence our policies have often had unintended deadly consequences.  Our attempts to curb drug trafficking and limit the power of drug cartels led to wide spread human rights abuses in places like Columbia.  Most of our attempts to stymie various Socialist regimes have been fruitless. The U.S. government is hardly an innocent bystander in world affairs.

I dont necessarily disagree with Pikers point of view, however I dont think the nearly 3000 people who perished on 9/11 deserved to die.  It also seems incongruous that so called anti-war progressives would be comparing body counts. A new stack of bodies does not undo a prior injustice.  No one surveyed all 2977 victims and asked them detailed questions about Americas role in the many problems plaguing the Middle East.

The victims of 9/11 died because they were American.  The terrorists would have just as easily killed any of the smug, self-important, armchair foreign policy experts who dismiss the attack.  The average American knows little about our legacy of foreign intervention.  Most citizens of any country are not experts on the misdeeds of their government.  We can vote and protest but if our elected officials decide to manipulate or decimate a sovereign nation theres little a single voter can do about it.

Timothy McVeigh used the exact same reason to justify the bombing of the Oklahoma federal building.  In that domestic terrorist attack, 168 civilians including 19 children lost their lives because McVeigh thought his fertilizer bomb would start a revolution of sorts against the U.S. government.  McVeigh saw himself as a righteous revolutionary avenging the many sins of this country.  McVeigh believed earnestly that the U.S. government had acted tyrannously against its own people, so in his mind the deaths he caused were justified. This eye for an eye, tit for tat mentality just fuels the same exact rhetoric that causes incidents like 9/11 and the bombing of Afghanistan.  War at its simplest form is vengeance for a past injustice.  Does the far left really want to promote this ideology?

Does Russia now get to invade Germany and kill 24-26 million people?  Does China get to slaughter 20 million Japanese?  Do the Japanese get to pick two strategic US cities and nuke them into oblivion?  Do Native Americans now have the moral high ground to seize every acre of land stolen from them and commit genocide on roughly 330 million people?  Of course I could keep going the list would be endless.  Every major world power would be invaded and decimated if vengeance was exacted for their many sins.  Why not open the floodgates?

Theres also a lot of distance in between being highly critical of the US government and being a cheerleader for our enemy.  Why does it have to be all or nothing?  Cant a person be both against the policies of their government and still mourn their dead?  Why do some folks on both extremes of the political divide live as if we are in a sporting match to the death and must reject anything and everything that the opposing side promotes?  Mourning our dead should be not be a partisan issue.

To anyone who thinks America deserved 9/11, Id like to point out that New York City still paid the heaviest price.  People living in Iowa didnt have to see the plume of smoke rising from lower Manhattan every day for months after the attack.  Folks in Northern California didnt have to listen to fighter jets flying overhead amid the silence of a city completely shutdown.  Texans didnt have to reach down to help a stranger on the street as they collapsed from grief.  Fourth graders in Turkey didnt feel the sharp grit of pulverized glass, cement and human remains between their finger tips.  New York City had been a target before 9/11 and has been a target since the attack.  While some cavalier pundit like Piker is out walking his dog we will be digging up dead bodies and cleaning blood off our streets.

Ironically when that same US government decided to use the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to fight a war in Iraq for bogus reasons New Yorkers came out in record numbers to protest against it.  Those of us closest to the dead and dying didnt want any more bloodshed in our name.  We didnt want to be used as an excuse for bombs being dropped on civilians or some kind of personal vendetta for our then president.  Most of us accept that we will probably face another attack.  Every time we get on the subway we know that a suicide bomber could annihilate us in an instant.  Its simply become the price of living here.

The other unintended consequence of a statement like America deserved 9/11 is that it  only fuels a right wing propaganda machine that promotes the idea that all liberals are cruel, self-centered, elitists who hate this country.  Someone like Piker might need to be reminded that 4 out of 10 American voters  identify as moderates or independents.  Most voters in the middle might find a statement like America deserved 9/11 as repugnant.

As time moves forward 9/11 will become a distant act with long dead victims who become more faceless and inconsequential with every passing year.  Both sides will continue to exploit the attack for whatever agenda they think they can use it for.  For me it will always remain a beautiful fall day when suddenly a city full of 8.4 million people was stabbed in the heart.  I will never forget.  The lives of Americans do not mean less than the lives of Afghanis or Iraqis.  If we are really going to promote pacifism then it must be done across the board.  Its not enlightened or progressive to mock the death of your own citizens as a means of political discourse, its just hateful.

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For the past few months Ive watched in horror as the Democratic primary has skidded off the rails into death cage match.  I tried to sound the alarm.  I cant say in the past 28 years since I started to vote in National elections that Ive seen anything quite like this race.  Social media and the explosion of outlets on the internet is part of the problem.  Voters can consume only the media that perfectly aligns with his or her point of view without ever seeing a differing opinion.  This creates echo chambers of political purity.  After a while political junkies start to view anyone who questions or even mildly criticizes their chosen candidate as a heretic who must be purified or destroyed.

A primary is supposed to be a scrimmage of people playing on the same team.  Some of the more passionate progressives didnt realize that eviscerating another Democratic was a bad idea.  They didnt anticipate that when that candidate dropped out of the race his or her supporters didnt just disappear.  The doxxing, insults, harassment and threats wouldnt be quickly forgotten.  A scrimmage is not supposed to result in broken bones and bloody head injuries.  The main source of this kind of extreme negative campaigning came from young, passionate Bernie Sanders supporters known as Bernie Bros.  Of course no campaign was completely free of this kind of toxicity but the overwhelming source of it came from supporters of the Democratic Socialist from Vermont. 

Tweets like these didnt help.

I used a blurred version of the image because it depicts a scene from a movie of a teenage boy being sexually tortured by a group of men.  The person who tweeted it was Virgil Texas of the popular progressive podcast Chapo Trap House.  Virgil Texas and his cohorts dont work for the Sanders campaign directly but they are enthusiastic supporters.  Texas and his fans laughed off any claims of homophobia although the tweet is clearly hateful towards gay men.  Texas might have thought it was clever but it certainly wouldnt win over any Buttigieg voters once he dropped out of the race.

This is just one out of many examples of self-defeating attempts to boost Sanders.  It doesnt make sense to smear Pete viciously because his voters will vote for someone else doesnt win the nomination.  A critique of Buttigiegs policies, background or donor base would be much more productive.  A disgusting homophobic smear is not going to lure any Buttigieg voters to the Sanders camp.  It could also turn off supporters of other candidates.  

Images like this one were also celebrated as some kind of victory but in the end all they did was alienate supporters of those campaigns.

Again someone forgot to realize that new voter outreach was also part of the game.  Do images of bloody campaigns make supporters of Beto, Harris or Pete want to join the Grim Reaper?  I saw Sanders supporters gleefully repost this while supporters of other candidates saw this as proof of Bernie Bross toxicity.   

Im pretty sure the image posted above is supposed to be satirical.  The underlying message is that if someone isnt with Sanders and his mob they might find themselves at the wrong end of the guillotine.  Even if its meant as a joke the message is literally Support Sanders or else.  

Im not sure why they thought they could bully their way to the top.  Its just not how voting works.  They should have been trying to win over new people by selling the great and wonderful qualities of this man who made them so excited.  Most Sanders supporters did not engage in this type of behavior, but sadly the worst ones created an insular toxic clique that would only accept the purist supporters.  

Ive compiled a short list of the worst trends on Twitter Ive seen since this whole ordeal started that do the opposite of attracting new supporters.  

#1. The How Dare you not love my candidate.

 If you dont support my candidate then you obviously want people to die!  You just want people to die!  You want millions to get sick and die from climate change, never-ending wars, poverty, and the evils of giant corporations. 

Its never occurred to a How Dare You ranter that someone might care a great deal about the same issues, they just think another candidate might have a better plan.

#2. The classic insult.

Anyone who doesnt support my candidate is an idiot and a moron, I guess your brain doesnt work.  What the fuck is wrong with you?

What is a person trying to accomplish with this one?  Do they want them to like their candidate or just feel bad about themselves?

#3. The insult you wont even understand approach.

Well of course you wouldnt like him/her you neoliberal corporatist, centrist, Democratic establishment, shill.

I mean what does half of that even mean?  

#4. I guess you cant read.

Obviously my candidate has the best policies.  How do you not see it? 

Instead of scolding them, and acting like they are illiterate buffoons maybe try to sell the policies you love so much. 

#5. My candidate is a victim

Everyone is against my candidate.  The Democratic establishment wants him/her to lose.  The media is trying to stop them.   

I kinda get this one as the media isnt always fair.  The DNC is less than perfect.  The problem is painting a candidate for president as a perpetual victim does not make that person look like a strong leader.  Trump uses this exact same tactic.  It works for a portion of the electorate but it also turns people off. 

#6 Gaslighting

Ive heard about some supporters being abusive but Ive never seen it myself.  It must be bots, fake accounts or some plot to make my candidate look bad.  

Just because you dont see something personally doesnt mean it isnt happening. 

#7 The Threat

We will keep lists of anyone supporting that candidate.  We wont forget who you are.  You will pay for this. 

An actual threat of death will usually motivate anyone to vote for whatever the person holding the gun wants, otherwise this is a losing strategy. 

#8 Some voters are just stupid 

Voters who did not vote for my candidate are low-information.  

Low information is just a fancy way of saying stupid.  It doesnt help. 

#9 The abuser approach

You will be forced to vote for my candidate because its him/her or Trump.  When we win we laugh in your fucking face.  

Who wouldnt want to vote for their candidate after getting a tweet like that?  

#10 The scorched earth

Your candidate is

Where did they learn this?  Is it the media? Angry podcasters that tap into entitlement and rage? Are these folks simply stuck in a sports team menality and dont realize that they have to reach out and persuade others in order to build their base of support?  

Negative campaigning during a primary towards other Democrats and their supporters is counter-productive.  There is a reason weve never seen this type of extreme vitriol in the past it simply doesnt work.  The slings and arrows might silence people from speaking out but it doesnt change their opinion.  If anything it makes the candidate the bullies are trying to build up look worse. 

Attacking a Republican is something else entirely, especially someone like Trump.  We will still face swing voters though who might not like Trump but wont be swayed if someone calls them a murderer when they dont support a vague plan for Medicare For All. 

Will this primary get any better?  I hope so but Im not convinced that the worst actors in this mess have learned anything.  I fear that even if Sanders gets the nomination this type of behavior will continue or just get worse.  There are potentially millions of voters who voted for Trump in 2016 who dont want to vote for him in 2020.  Our best bet at getting them on board with a Democratic nominee, whomever that person is, should be by selling our candidate in the best possible light.  The scorched earth tactics should be used against Trump, not moderates and independents and certainly not towards other Democrats.  

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I did not intend to write this piece about the Bernie Sanders campaign. When I started this experiment I honestly wanted to find out why this primary already feels divisive and toxic. In some ways we are re-living the traumas of the 2016 Democratic primary. Im not going to rehash that horror show here, as its been dissected and picked apart down to the last smashed campaign button.

I wanted to find the source of this bad blood so I turned to the epicenter of online nastiness Twitter. I realize searching for answers on Twitter has its limitations. Only a small percentage of voters even use the platform. Regardless the POTUS uses Twitter so often, his misspelled and grammatically challenged tweets often end up as top stories in the news cycle. Hes nearly started wars with his clumsy tirades.

I decided not to study the tweets of ardent supporters of any candidate. Its simply too easy to fake an account on Twitter. A Republican or Russian could masquerade as a Democrat just to sow discord. Some folks create dozens of fake sock puppet accounts to make one person appear like several.

I figured it was better to look at what paid staffers were saying about each candidate and go from there. I selected the two positions that are the best representatives for voter outreach and public relations.

In the cases where a campaign did not have anyone with those exact titles I made my best guess. For a 24 hour period roughly from the night of Sunday 1/19/20 to Monday 1/20/20 I tracked and cataloged 100 tweets from both staffers from the following campaigns Sanders, Warren, Biden, Klobuchar and Buttigieg. I ended up reading and taking notes on 1000 tweets which were broken down into 10 spreadsheets.

I didnt go into long thread or conversations. I simply scrolled down each account and made notes on everything they tweeted themselves or retweeted from another account. I marked a tweet as negative if it attacked another Democrat, the press or used the term centrist as a pejorative. Although many on the far left are no fans of centrists, four out of every 10 American voters identify as Independent. Many people proudly call themselves centrists as they are disgusted by both political parties. I did not include any attacks on Donald J. Trump as a negative tweet. Any negative tweet about President Trump was included in its own category.

Out of the ten staffers only one, Brihana Joy Gray of the Sanders campaign, repeatedly spewed negative vitriol at other Democrats, centrists and the media. The following is a breakdown of each campaign. Im going to start with Bernie Sanders since his campaign is the only outlier.

Deputy Campaign Manager and Communications Director Arianna Jones 97% positive, 3% negative including 2 tweets critical of President Trump. Biden was mentioned negatively three times. The media was also mildly criticized. Pete Buttigieg and Andrew Yang were mentioned favorably as was Chuck Schumer. Overall a mostly positive feed that retweeted Bernie Sanders often.

National Press Secretary Briahna Joy Gray 54% negative, 46% positive, with 2 tweets that were critical of President Trump. Roughly 15 tweets included the idea that the media was somehow being unfair to the Sanders campaign. The top tweet pinned to the top of her account was an attack on Joe Biden. Media targets included NYTimes, MSNBC, ABC News, PolitiFact, and Joy Ann Reid. Joe Biden was mentioned negatively 36 times, Elizabeth Warren 3 times, and Klobuchar 2 times. There were two tweets that used the term centrist negatively. Briahna Joy Gray also dedicated an entire episode of her podcast Hear the Bern to Bidens Record. The actual title of the episode is called Bidens Record. This episode was widely promoted in a series of tweets. Gray also retweeted David Sirota, Bernie Sanders speech writer, 14 times. In each tweet Sirota attacked Biden and Politifact. I did not do a deep dive on Sirotas tweets because he didnt fit the criteria I set up. It would be unfair to include Sirota since I didnt track a speech writer of any other candidate. The overall tone of Grays tweets was that Bernie was under attack and Biden was enemy #1. One would almost think Biden was the current president and Trump didnt even exist. Ironically Bidens team went after Trump the most aggressively out of all 10 staffers I profiled.

National Press Secretary Jamal Brown 97% positive, 3% negative with 9 tweets critical of President Trump. His negative tweets were directed at the media and Facebook. Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders were all mentioned favorably. Barack Obama and Julian Castro were also mentioned in a positive light. The most common theme repeated in his tweets was the support Biden among black voters.

Traveling National Press Secretary Remi Yamamoto 98% positive and 2% negative with 17 tweets critical of President Trump. Yamamoto also included an negative tweet about Lindsay Graham. Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders were mentioned in one tweet but the reference was neutral.

Director of Communications Lis Smith 99% positive 1% negative. The only negative tweet was a mild dig of the NYTimes editorial board not endorsing Buttigieg. No tweets about Trump. Her tweets were overwhelming positive and included the most humor out of the bunch. She did not mention any other Democratic candidates

National Press Secretary Chris Meagher 100% positive. No tweets about Trump. Mentioned Corey Booker twice in a favorable manner. This campaign was overall extremely positive and upbeat. Most of their tweets were of volunteers canvassing in Iowa and elsewhere. It was also Buttigiegs birthday so there were a lot of Happy Birthday tweets.

Communications Director Kristen Orthman 96% positive 4% negative, 4 tweets about President Trump. Her negative tweets were directed at the media. She also used humor often. Mentioned Ayanna Pressley, Biden, Sanders, Buttigieg, Corey Booker, Julian Castro and Andrew Yang. None of her comments or references to these Democrats were negative. Included two positive references to Bernie Sanders specifically.

Press Secretary Gabrielle Farrell 100% positive. Mentioned Julian Castro 3 times always in a favorable light.

Communications Director Tim Hogan 100% positive 2 tweets about President Trump. Included images from the service for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. that included all of the Democratic candidates arm in arm. Mentioned Corey Booker and Elizabeth Warren favorably. He also included some humorous tweets.

National Press Secretary Carlie Waibel 100% positive. No tweets about President Trump. Also mentioned Elizabeth Warren favorably. Included two images from the service for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. with the Democratic candidates arm in arm. This account was almost identical to the Communications Director. Overall the Klobuchar staff members were the most positive followed by Pete Buttigieg.

Bernie Sanders can run his campaign however he sees fit. Some voters might view this caustic approach as aggressive or effective. The downside is of course that the scorched earth approach could cause tremendous damage to the rest of the Democratic field. At this point in time its highly likely that Bernie will not get the nomination. The vote is fairly evenly split into a 4-way race and the polls are changing by the day. If another candidate seizes the nomination how much damage will be done by this style of campaigning? Is their goal to beat Trump, or to win at all costs? Will this lead to another Bernie or Bust movement? Will disgruntled Sanders voters write in Bernie or pick a third party candidate? This also makes me wonder how much control Sanders has over his staffers. The other campaigns showed a strong sign of coordination between the Communications Director and the Press Secretary. On Sanders team these two women were polar opposites with their approach.

If youre a huge Bernie Sanders supporter and you love the way his press secretary and staff approach their jobs on Twitter great. Maybe you think hes not given a fair shake in the press and you loathe Joe Biden. There are still lots of undecided voters out there and voters who will switch allegiances as candidates drop out of the race. This overly harsh approach could drive new people away from the Sanders campaign. It does seem to be a bit of a paradox to offer hope and change while also tearing down other Democrats.

Ultimately it would take weeks and several people collecting evidence from every social media platform to make the best assessment. This cursory glance at Twitter was so lopsided I cant help but think more research would reveal this style of campaigning also exists on Facebook, Instagram and elsewhere.

If you disagree with my findings I implore you to check it out for yourself. Each staff members name is hyperlinked to take you directly to his or her Twitter account. The negativity, at least on Twitter, is only coming from one direction and thats the Sanders campaign.

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After a three-year stint of completely avoiding the dating scene in New York City I dared to venture back into the fray.  Im probably going to opt out again any day now as its just as screwed up as its ever been.  Here are my handy tips if youve hit the wall and nearly given up hope.

1. If your date actually shows up you are halfway there  Its next to impossible to get a man to actually agree to a date.  Expect nothing.  When I say nothing I mean exactly that.  Will your date show up?  Maybe!  He might look completely different from the person in his photos.  You might get a cancellation as late as several minutes into your planned encounter.  He might meet you briefly and then drag you into a social situation full of strangers.  Once on a second date I was introduced to an entire dinner party full of friends along with my dates teenage daughter.  The two of us clicked right away because neither one of us wanted to be there.  Her first words to me were about how her mother had been arrested in an European airport for throwing a temper tantrum.  Needless to say that I didnt end up dating her father.

Pro-tip If your date doesnt show up order a dirty martini and just start talking to random strangers.  Youll probably end up with a new gay male best friend.  Thats whats happens to me anyway.

2. Cyberstalk the shit out of the person Not only do I advise doing this, I think youd be reckless to not google them.  Ive found articles and images my dates didnt know existed.  Ive made the mistake of telling complete strangers what Ive found on them.  Men tend to misread this one.  Im just making sure theyre not married, a serial killer or using an alias.

Pro-tip Do NOT scroll through the comments section.  The comments section on any social media account will reveal too much.  Ive figured out who is an ex-girlfriend, who might want to be the next girlfriend and even exact dates of breakups.  If you want to leave some mystery feel free to scroll through the images, just avoid the commentary.  If a person wants privacy they wouldnt be putting these images online.  I dont know how many people Ive had to point this out to before.  If you put it on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or any other social media app we can all see it.  If you want privacy then change the privacy settings for those accounts.

3. Avoid initiating all correspondence after a date New Yorkers like their partners silent and hassle free.  If you contact them at all for any purpose whatsoever you risk being branded a Crazy clingy psycho even if you only text them a handful of times.  Dont call them on the actual phone, I you do that youll freak them out so much theyll probably notify the police.  If you are unconventional like myself and contact someone via email or on social media they might move to another state to avoid your stalker ways.  Im strange in that I tend to interact with most of my friends on social media.  Ive found when I do this to men I barely know or have never met they completely misread it.

Pro-tip As soon as you walk away from the date immediately delete his number.  I wish I was actually capable of this but Id still strongly suggest you try it.

4. Become a semi-professional pornographer Like dick pics?  Well its your lucky day, youll get plenty!  Worried about having nude or semi-nude photos of yourself floating around the internet for all of eternity?  What are you some kind of uptight prude?  Buy some lighting, get a good camera and Photoshop out any tattoos that might reveal your identity.  Fall in love with close-ups of your genitalia because people youve hung out with for less than two hours will come asking for them.  Youll sometimes get these requests before your first date.

Pro-tip You never know where those photos are going to end up.  Send them a photo of a cat or Dick Cheney.  Fuck with their head.  Give them nothing.

5. Learn to love spontaneity  Like planning more than a day in advance?  Have an unusual schedule that can be difficult to plan around?  Well then youre never dating anyone.  If you wont jump up at a moments notice and meet some guy you barely know in a dive bar in the Lower East Side,  youre never getting laid again.  Get used to meeting up with men when theyre already half drunk.  You might be the second or third woman theyve texted that night.  Once I showed up to a bar only to meet another woman who was also beckoned.  Hed made a mistake and didnt realize we might both show up.  He didnt get laid but Im still friends with the woman to this day.

Pro tip Find someone with the same batshit crazy schedule as yourself.  It might seem impossible which why I also suggest learning to love YouTube clips from Mad Men watching images of Jon Hamm might just be enough, it usually is for me anyway.

6. Youll be judged harshly for all of your life choices up until this point Did you go to state college?  Did you major in the arts?  Do you live with five roommates?  Are you divorced?  Have you ever lived with anyone?  How many stupid jobs have you had?  Bernie Bro or HRC?  If you call yourself a moderate you basically are admitting youre a Neo Nazi.  You will be judged, cataloged and written off for the slightest offense or sign of eccentricity.

Pro-tip Judge back.  Go deep.  If he gives you grief for having three cats shame him for not opening his life and apartment up to one of the millions of unwanted animals languishing in shelters.  How dare he live his life WITHOUT a cat.  So what if hes allergic there are LIVES TO BE SAVED HERE!

7. Expect lazy dates  Would you feel comfortable going over to a strangers apartment for a glass of wine for a first date?  Why not?  Maybe you dont like being dismembered, date raped or being trapped in an apartment with a drunken fool.  Ive been asked out for that exact scenario more than once.  I know Im such an uptight bitch for insisting on a public location full of potential witnesses but Im old fashioned that way.

Pro-tip Always insist on a public place for a first date and when in doubt make up an annoying texting friend so you can leave whenever you want.

8. Find the right slut balance The Madonna/Whore complex runs deep in the urban male.  Men will expect and hope that you will have sex with them minutes after you meet them.  If you decide to take the plunge too early youll be branded a worthless slut and discarded accordingly.  If you try to hold out for a second or third date you might be considered a sexless puritanical old maid.  If youve survived date one without putting out then you enter the dangerous territory of the space between date one and two.  Will you have to whip out your own personal Penthouse level quality snapshots?  Or will you be expected to sext, flirt or engage in XXX Instant Messaging.  Have a web cam?  All the better just dont go full porn star or youre not likely to hear from him again.  The only exception of course is if youre in the polyamorous group.  Then there are no rules.  The slut balance is your balance.  

Pro-tip Ive got nothing.  Use condoms.  Youre still going to get at least three strains of HPV with condoms anyway but youll hopefully avoid The Clap or maybe some new antibiotic resistant strain of Gonorrhea doctors wont be able to treat yet.

9. Dates will ask for full disclosure Where do you live?  Thats probably priority #1 because no one wants to put any effort forth.  If they live in Bushwick and you live in Bay Ridge the chances of a second date are slim to none.  If you meet someone who lives in another borough it had better be a 15-20 minute commute or its never going to happen.  You can live more than 30 minutes away but it had better be on the same train line and not require a transfer.  How much do you make?  Who did you vote for in 1992?  Were you old enough to vote in 1992?  What do you do for a living?  How many kids do you want to have?  Do you have kids?  What is your drug history?  What drugs do you do on a regular basis?  Dont be surprised if your date asks you about specific sexual preferences or peccadilloes.  

Pro-tip Tell them everything.  Declare things they never even asked about.  Reveal your last boyfriends dick size and shape.  Why not?  Theyll probably find it out while cyberstalking you anyway.

10. Practice Self-Care Find a beautiful spot in nature such as a park, beach or flower garden.  Pick up a mason jar, hold it closely in your hands.  As you hold meditate and manifest all the things youd love to find in a good partner.  Visualize everything down to specific details.  Feel their touch of their hands, hear the sound of their voice, and smell their scent.  Then open the jar, put it close to your mouth and let out a long and passionate gutteral scream.  Seal the jar and bury it.  Thats the last time youll be able to express any real emotion.  Emotion is for suckers.  If you want to successfully date in New York City you need ice water in your veins.

Pro-tip Expect to have breakdowns.  If youre going to try to date in this town youre going to have breakdowns.  When in doubt get a cat.  I have three.  I still have breakdowns.

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One of the main reasons I hate online dating is that it throws off the traditional straight male and female dynamic.  I dont care what study or survey claims to the contrary straight men HATE it when women are aggressive.  There are exceptions to this rule of course but they are few and far between.

As a woman with a somewhat dominant personality I know this all too well.  I speak plainly.  I say exactly what Im thinking.  There is very little subtext in anything I do or utter.  I dont even know how to operate in a manipulative way.  The whole idea of saying one thing while meaning something else completely baffles me.  I realize this trait of mine is unusual.  It tends to get me in trouble when it comes to dating.

Most straight men want to pursue a woman.  They want to woo her and win her over as if she is some sort of rare albino gazelle on the grasslands of Africa.  The pursuit feeds their ego, it makes them feel like the woman is some sort of rare gem, and it makes them feel like theyre in control.  Any woman who makes it known too early that she is also actively pursuing a man is seen as less desirable, desperate or pathetic.

Heres the thing gentlemen of the city that never sleeps.  Despite being 45 years old and being far from perfect I can still get just about any man.  If all Im looking for is no strings attached sex its not a problem.  If I only want to have sex with the man once and never see him again its even easier.  Im not including married men and men in committed relationships when I say that, although I get plenty of offers from men who arent exactly single.   Im not bragging.  Im not unique or exceptional.  Nearly any woman within a reasonable age range can bed just about any single and available man.   Men pay for the privilege of getting sex.  They spend hours in strip clubs in a sexually charged environment.  Some will waste most of their leisure time watching porn.  Sex for men can be difficult to come by but for most women sex is easy.  Its almost too easy.  Theres no challenge in it.  Theres no game.  Simply be willing and able and give no signs that you expect anything but sex and most women can bed whomever they please.

This is where online dating comes in.  The dynamic of men pursuing women gets completely thrown off because half the apps make it next to impossible for men to start the ball rolling.  I understand why this is as most women get inundated with sexually explicit requests when there are no safeguards.  What happens instead is now the woman have to make the first move.  It might seem great in theory but it tends to make men think we are far more interested than we actually are.  I honestly have incredibly low expectations for any man I meet online.  I dont expect much because Ive been on so many bad dates.  The whole thing is a crapshoot.  Most times its just two strangers awkwardly trying to figure out a way to bolt and go home.  Its no ones fault, its just how dating random people tends to work out.

I never want to get married again.  I dont want to move in with someone.  Ive given up on having children. So rest assured Im not planning our wedding.  Im certainly not wondering how Ill re-arrange my life when we move in together and Im not naming our future children.  What I do want is to physically go out with someone and see them on a semi-regular basis.  My bar is low.   I dont think any man is perfection personified.  Ive been married and divorced.  Theres no way I would ever fall for anyone instantly.   If you are a decent human being, treat me well and we have even scant chemistry Ill probably want to go out with you again.  Thats it.  Thats as deep as this ocean gets when I barely know someone.

Since Ive been single Ive had more requests for virtual sex than the real thing.  Ive been asked to drop everything on a moments notice to hookup with some guy in the middle of the night.   I get solicitations for nude photos before Ive even been intimate with a man.  I guess thats just expected now since we all have mirrors and we all have phones.  

I AM BEYOND SICK OF THIS NONSENSE.

Your offers of no strings attached casual sex are about as common and inviting as the blackened pieces of chewing gum pounded into any subway platform.  I love sex but I also like knowing the person a little before I have sex with them.  I want to go see movies, have a meal or maybe go for a hike.  I want to share my day with them and ask them how their day went.  Thats it.  Im not asking for much here.

When Ive tried to just park it and let men take the lead on those dating sites basically nothing happens.  No one asks me out.  I get no email.  I just wonder why this got so difficult.  I dont know what happened to dating.  I dont understand how Im supposed to interact in a world full of confusing text messages, sexting and booty calls.

I just want and crave actual human interaction more than I could possibly express here.  So sorry men of New York City Im not really into you.  I dont care how much money you make or where you work.  I dont give a rats ass if you have some sort of award or if youre famous.  The fact that you are published or work for a hedge fund does not impress me.  Id rather watch clips of Adam Driver or Jon Hamm and let my imagination wander than put up with this dehumanizing endeavor.   Why is this so hard?  Ive given up trying to figure it out.  Im just screaming into the void at this point.  Dating as we know it is dead and for some reason I just keep going to funerals expecting the corpse to jump up and start dancing.

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I am not a sexual therapist or an expert on human sexuality.  Im a straight spouse.  Ive lived with the many challenges of being married to a partner who concealed his true sexual orientation.  Since going public with my story Ive met countless other straight spouses and heard their stories.  One of the most complicated and vexing aspects about being in a mixed orientation marriage is sexual fluidity.

Plenty of people are bisexual, pansexual or any number of variations of sexually fluid.   They are attracted to partners of both genders and in some cases all gender identifications.  Theres absolutely nothing wrong with existing in the space between gay and straight.  Some well-meaning therapists will actually promote the idea that all human beings are sexually fluid and that everyone is bisexual.  That might seem like a healthy attitude towards human sexuality until you consider a closeted person trapped in a mixed orientation marriage.  Not only does this prolong the suffering of both spouses, it makes it more difficult for the gay spouse to live an authentic life.  Telling someone they are sexually fluid when they are really gay could amount to abuse depending on the circumstances.  Just imagine a therapist actively and aggressively influencing a gay person to believe they are truly straight.  Why is it OK to promote the idea of sexual fluidity over other sexual orientations?

Straight spouses often have the concept of sexual fluidity thrown back in our faces.

Well I guess you turned your husband gay.  (Fluidity implies that sexuality can be changed)

If you really loved each other you could work this out, sex is just sex. (Everyone is sexually fluid, you can force yourself to be more accepting)

If you supported her better she would have never turned to women. (Since sexuality is fluid, then an outside force could influence it.)

If you dont accept your husband is bisexual then youre projecting your own sexual insecurities on to him.  Open your mind and accept that youre bisexual yourself.

Today I saw yet another headline that just caused me to roll my eyes.  Theres no such thing as completely straight.  A few months ago I saw another headline which declared Straight people dont exist.

If you read closely nearly all of these articles cite the exact same study.  What appears at first as multiple articles all arriving at the same conclusion.  Its really just one study repeated in any number of websites and publications.  A lone scientific study is not enough to form a consensus.   If you dont believe me just google anything about the optimal diet for humans and youll see an avalanche of contradictory and competing information.  The leap from a peer-reviewed scientific journal to a pop culture blog is based on click bait more than scientific advancement.  The studies that will garner the most salacious or outrageous headlines will get promoted all over cyber space.  An in-depth investigation about impotence rates in elderly men with dementia is far less likely to end up on Broadly, Cosmopolitan or Jezebel.  A study declaring Straight people dont exist. will get plastered all over the internet.

When I have dared argue against these ludicrous proclamations Ive been labeled uptight, close-minded or even a bigot or homophobe.

There is one huge glaring flaw with the idea that everyone is bisexual.   Imagine saying the following to a gay person.

Of course youre straight, everyone is straight.  You have to stop being so close-minded.

The only reason you dont want to admit that youre straight is due to a fear of your own sexuality.

Its uptight attitudes like yours that are oppressing others.  If you are gay then youre just a tiny minority of people on the far ends of the spectrum.   Nearly everyone is straight, stop being such a bigot.

Its science, why would you argue against science?  If the science says all women are straight then all women are straight.

Now take those same statements and replace the word straight with bisexual.  Similar remarks were made to me when I dared to disagree with the idea that Everyone is bisexual.  The people who made those statements were trying so hard to stand up for bisexuals that they didnt realize they were completely negating gay people.

No one likes an outsider telling them who they are or how they should identify.  LGBT folks often hear harsh statements regarding their sexuality.  Such as:

How do you know you dont like men if youve never had one before?

I could turn you straight, you could be my project.

The right woman could change you.  Shed get you off those boys for good.

Theres not such thing as bisexual, youre just gay and trying to figure it out.

How could a person be bisexual?  I just dont get that.  Youre just straight and want attention.

So where do these bold claims regarding universal bisexuality come from?   One of the ways researchers test sexual arousal is to place sensors on a persons genitals as they view various pornographic material.  Arousal is then based on the amount of blood flow to the area along with bodily secretions.  The problem with this type of research is that women respond to everything pornography with men, pornography with women and even images of one nonhuman primate mating on camera.  This has led some researchers to conclude that all women are bisexual.  Other researchers decided that testing women for sexual arousal in the same way that is used to test men is simply unreliable.   To quote The Problem with Sexual Arousal Studies by Alice Dreger.

The vagina is not the homologue to the penis. The peniss homologue is the clitoris. The vagina comes from different embryological tissue altogether, so why should we expect it to behave in a way that is comparable to the penis? The reason the clitoris gets an erection when a woman is sexually excited, the reason most women dont reach orgasm via their vaginas, is because the clitoris is the organ that corresponds to the penis.

Another method of testing sexual arousal is measuring pupil dilation.  The test is similar, researchers show images and then test the amount of dilation in a persons pupil.  Simply being aroused by an image doesnt mean the subject wants to have sex with whatever theyre watching.  Some women inexplicably enjoy watching gay male porn, whereas some straight men enjoy lesbian porn.  Does that mean they are only attracted to gay people of the opposite sex?  I kind of doubt it.

One of the biggest glaring flaws with this type of research is that we dont live in a cultural vacuum.  Sexualized images are used heavily in the media and advertising to sell everything from shampoo to snack foods.  Nearly all of that sexualized imagery is of women disembodied legs, breasts, lips, buttocks and silhouettes.  Even though men appear in advertising far more than women do, when women make an appearance they are often young and sexualized.  We have conditioned ourselves to just accept women as sexual objects.  A woman might get turned on by a photo of a naked woman simply because shes been conditioned to sexualize all naked women.

Sexual orientation is much more than just sexual attraction or sex.  Most human beings can have sex with just about anyone, including people they are repulsed by if the price is right or if their life depended upon it.  In cultures where homosexuality is severely stigmatized many men and women find themselves in miserable scenarios.  They might go through the motions with their spouses while secretly longing to live a very different existence.

The othe shortcoming with any study about human sexuality is that most people do not participate in such studies.  Since volunteers are self-selecting they are far more likely sexually adventurous or have exhibitionist traits.  Not everyone is going to want strangers placing sensors on their genitals or measuring their secretions.  Many adults wouldnt even want to watch pornography in front of strangers much less have their bodies prodded and probed as they do so.

Even the pioneer of human sexual research, Alfred Kinsey, ran into this problem.  Kinsey couldnt get the typical housewife or businessman to agree to be a part of his research.  Most of the people who volunteered for Kinseys study were sex workers, men recruited in gay bars or prisoners.  As Alan Branch points out in Alfred Kinsey: A Brief Summary and Critique

A closer look at Kinsey’s research reveals many problems with his findings. The most glaring problem with his data is the source of his sample. While the sample for Sexual Behavior in the Human Male numbered over 5,000, a disproportionate number came from prison inmates, many of whom were sex offenders.  The Kinsey team interviewed some African Americans, but their data was not included in the tabulations. Furthermore, Kinsey over-sampled people recruited via homosexual-friendly organizations or magazines. College students also represented a disproportionate number of his sample. Jones and Yarhouse rightly critique these problems with Kinsey’s sample and say: “This is obviously not the type of methodology a person would implement if he or she were trying to get a representative outlook on the sexual behavior of the general population.”In many ways, Kinsey’s sample assured he found what he was hoping to find:  statistical confirmation of sexually adventurous behavior.

Now this is not negating Kinseys groundbreaking work.  Its simply pointing out that his results might be skewed towards the more sexually adventurous among us.  Promoting the idea that EVERYONE is bisexual also subtly implies that orientation is a choice. If we truly were attracted to both sexes then we could switch back and forth at will.  Again most gay people would disagree with this assessment.

Another aspect regarding the promotion of the idea that everyone is bisexual is that it plays into the fears and paranoia of anti-LGBT hate mongers.  When researchers declare EVERYONE is a little bit gay, it feeds into conspiracy theories and hysteria about a factious gay agenda.  Anti-LGBT crusaders will pick up on the same articles and declare it proves the LGBT community wants to convert everyone to a gay lifestyle.  Click bait headlines tend to elicit histrionic responses.

We should celebrate the many variations of human sexuality that exist on the spectrum between consenting adults.  Sexual orientation is far more than secretions, dilated pupils and flawed blood flow monitors.  When do experts tell others how they should identify anyway?  I thought that was the exact opposite of embracing the many different variants of healthy sexual expression.  The next time someone posts a 200 300 word declaration denouncing your sexual orientation you can rest assured that if you were straight or gay before you read it, youre still very much straight or gay afterward.

If youre a straight spouse and youre dealing with what you believe is a gay partner who is still clinging to the idea of sexual fluidity you have my sympathies.  Your spouse might very well be bisexual or sexually fluid. They might also be trapped in denial and terrified to truly allow themselves to fully embrace the fact that theyre gay.  Its never easy.  Hang in there.  If you feel like your therapist is not listening to you or only focusing on your partner find a new one.  If you think they are pushing an agenda and not actually dealing with your reality find a new doctor.  Ultimately what it comes down to is your own authenticity.   Whatever path you and your partner decide upon should be based in mutual trust and honesty.

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I remember a few years ago reading a piece by a woman who was apprehensive about turning 30.  It was sent to me by a number of other female friends.  Most sent me the link along with comments such as,

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People ask me all the time why Ive decided to label myself as feral and completely leave the dating pool.  I admit my self-classification as feral is tongue-in-cheek.  Its just my way of fully embracing my single identity.  A number of things have made me disillusioned about dating in the Big Apple.  The worst thing Ive encountered more than once though is the dreaded ghost.  Its not a wandering spirit or aberration who hasnt made peace with the afterlife.  A ghost in terms of dating is a partner whos decided to simply walk away with no contact or explanation after an intimate encounter.

The worst example ghosting happened to me years ago.  The man was someone I knew well, or at least I thought I did.  To protect his identity I wont reveal anything about him his age, occupation or any physical characteristics.  Ill simply call him Kevin, although thats not his real name.

Kevin worked with me in a situations where we were often stuck together for 12-14 hours at a stretch.  We werent close friends but we could talk easily and had decent chemistry.   He was always a bit flirtatious but things accelerated for some reason after we knew each other about three years.  I worked with Kevin in a freelance situation so I didnt see him on a regular basis.  I was definitely attracted to him but I was extremely unsure about the situation since we sometimes worked together.  He was also  bit younger than me, but most single men I encounter are at least 8-10 years my junior if not more.  He made it clear that he just wanted to hookup.  I wasnt sure about it but I hadnt had sex in forever and the only offers I was getting at the time were for casual sex from total strangers.  At least I knew Kevin.  I remained hesitant and Kevin went so far as to call me on the phone and talk me into it at length.   I was impressed that he called me as it seemed no man in New York City knew that phones could actually be used to make phone calls.  Most men sent texts usually filled with smut and the occasional dick pic.  A phone call seemed old school and classy.

The plan was made.  He picked me up from a job I had we went back to his place.  He treated me politely and friendly as he always had in the past.  The sex was intense and over the top.  The build up of three years had sort of worked its magic.  As soon as things were done, he turned away from me as if I was toxic waste.  I was a bit shocked as I wasnt expecting cuddling afterward but his body language was extreme.  Not one molecule of his body was touching mine.  It was as if I wasnt there.  The first few moments were incredibly awkward.  I decided to break the tension by mentioning something personal about him.  I saw a sports jersey that was hanging in a prominent position in his bedroom and asked him.

Whats that from?  Are you on a team or something?

He responded.

Why are you asking that?  Im not going to tell you that.

It was as if a switch had gone off in his brain and he was punishing me for having had sex with him.  I lied there wondering how I messed up this situation so badly.   I never did this.  I hated hookups. I had known this man for years.  When he was convincing me to do this with him he kept me on the phone for over an hour.  Now he was treating me as if I had crawled into his window uninvited.  A feeling of dread passed over my body.   I felt like I wasnt even there anymore and that I was somehow floating above the bed.  What the hell just happened?

Some pleasantries were exchanged.  He apologized for not being able to give me a ride home.  I insisted on taking the subway anyway.   I walked myself to the subway stunned and sickened.  The whole experience was 100% consensual but he made me feel like I was a used Kleenex he tossed after masturbating.

I waited a few days and sent him a text about a gig I knew he had coming up.  I wished him well.  There were no heart emojis or anything romantic.  He was short and brusque back.  I thought maybe I was reading too much into it.  Maybe I was projecting things on him that werent there.  I waited a few days and sent a couple more texts only to get blanked over the next week or so.  I kind of snapped and started sending him pleading messages.  I just wanted a response, any response.   I wasnt professing my love to him, I wasnt expecting an instant boyfriend.  I had no expectation that we would start dating.  I was just reaching out.  Id known him for three years.  I thought he was my friend.  The whole thing felt like some epic Madonna/Whore test that I had failed miserably.  Im not sure if I was supposed to continually spurn his advances or go full Jezebel and ask him for a three-way with a woman I picked up on OKCupid.

He never responded again.  Since my divorce I havent exactly had the greatest track record dating but my experience with Kevin was by far the worst.  My head was filled with the same thoughts bouncing back and forth through my skull for days.

How could he do this to me?  He knows me.   Im not some stranger off the street.  What the hell is going on?  Why is he treating me like garbage?  Whats wrong with me?

It wasnt that Kevin was some great prize or that I wanted a relationship with him.  I was just shocked that he treated me so horribly.   Without hesitation that experience has been the worst consensual sexual experience of my life.  It wasnt abuse just inconsiderate and callous.  I played the whole incident over and over again in my mind trying to figure out what I had done wrong to make him treat me this way.  I decided that it didnt matter.

Of course I did run into him again a few months later in work-related scenario.  As soon as I saw him he looked right at me.  I diverted his gaze.  I decided in the moment to act  like I had no idea who he was.  If he was going to treat me with such disregard Id do the same.  His response was not surprising as he kept staring at me from across the room.  Im not sure how he was expecting me to react.  What was I supposed to do? Run up to him and embrace him?  Ask him what he was up to the past couple of months?  I just wanted him to disappear.  Finally near the end of the job I was being ushered by my supervisor right next to where he was standing.  I could feel his eyes burning into mine but I refused to make contact.  When things got to the point of absurdity I turned to him and said simply Hey Kevin and kept walking.  I didnt even make eye contact.  If he had tried to talk to me I would have just nodded and walked away.

The hardest part of it was not blaming myself.  I dissected and analyzed everything I said and did in the time I spent with Kevin trying to figure out what caused him to be that way.  Ironically the whole experience would have been much easier to get over if Kevin was a total stranger.  In his mind I was just garbage and if I wanted to be treated better by men I would have to go back to my old standard.  A guy would have to ask me out on a proper date and put some effort forth.  If they wanted a no-strings attached sexual situation then they could ask someone else.  I dont judge others who live that lifestyle its just a bad fit for me.

Things havent gotten much better.  Ive been ghosted since my fling with Kevin.  I wish I could say there was some sort of magical set of clues that would indicate when a seemingly grounded man will emotional disappear but Ive got none.  Ive sadly learned to expect it.

I never saw Kevin again and Im glad I havent.  If I did see him hed simply be someone I have no recollection of meeting much less having sex with.  Feral life suits me better anyway no attachments, no commitments and no expectations.  Id rather have nothing than the dreaded ghost.

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A couple of years ago while watching a documentary I discovered a house cat can revert to its natural state under the right circumstances. I imagined my obese ginger male going from his prescription canned cat food to hunting and feasting on rodents and birds. His once silky coat now matted with dirt and leaves. His fat haunches transformed into lean muscle.  Instead of dramatically crying for his supper twice a day, hed hide in alleys and beneath parked cars avoiding contact with humans while ruling the night. As I stroked Ottos fur I decided Id was no longer single, Id turned feral instead.

When I  went through a difficult divorce nine years ago I suspected my dating life would be difficult.  I had no idea it would become a soul-crushing, near impossible endeavor.  Right out of the gate, I had two fairly tragic rebound relationships that imploded almost as soon as theyd started. Online dating felt more like an exercise in attrition and increasingly lowered expectations.  Id get the obligatory emails from men involved with BDSM twice as many submissives than dominants. Couples would email me hoping I want to join in some three-way play. My inbox would overflow with email from men in other countries and far away states. Traveling business men would contact me late at night, expecting me to drop everything to run to their hotel room and be their unpaid prostitute.  Dates rarely materialized and if they did they were often two awkward people sitting across from each other with nothing in common but judgmental stares.  Men openly criticized me for my profession, the circumstances around my divorce, and pretty much every lifestyle choice I had made up until the point of meeting them. When I met men offline it seemed like the only interested parties were either married or so young they could easily be mistaken for my son. Id also met guys who expected me to go home with them five minutes after meeting them. If I showed any hesitation at all I was quickly forgotten for the next random woman who would say yes.

When I showed interest in anyone I was usually treated like a completely crazy person. I realize Im not every mans dream woman.  I have a big personality.  I talk a lot.  Im so nerdy that I can blather for hours about the rise of fascism or the madness of Kaiser Wilhelm II. I wont know anything about the latest movie that came out but I could tell you more than youd ever want to know about the life of Nikola Tesla or how mutations take hold in a genome.  Im opinionated and stubborn.  I will disagree and challenge men often and openly.  For amusement I get onstage and yell at total strangers in darkened basements that are masquerading as makeshift comedy clubs.  Im a sledgehammer of truth.  Some folks find my qualities charming while others, find them incredibly annoying. My natural nemesis seems to be the classic khaki wearing, boat shoed finance bro alpha male. On multiple occasions Ive found myself in screaming matches with a half drunk, angry day trader minutes after meeting them.

Im also not all that interested in finding my dream man.  I have massive trust issues and pretty much assume every man is lying to me from the moment they open their mouth.  Because my ex-husband was a closeted gay man I pretty much assume all men are gay until proven otherwise.  Any nurturing qualities left in me were stamped out by my dysfunctional and broken marriage.  I dont want to fix a man, pay his rent, make him forget his last girlfriend or guide him through rehab.  If hes not ready to wear Ill just toss him back on the pile.  I have zero interest in being an unpaid and untrained psychotherapist. Theres no part of me that longs to hang out with people I cant stand because theyre friends with my partner.  I dont want to sit through plates of hot wings and beer when Id rather have vegetarian Chinese takeout. If hes wounded and broken, Ill leave him for someone who can handle wounded and broken.  Ive got a freight train worth of emotional baggage and a hair-trigger that will cause me to bolt the second I sense danger.  If a man blanks me on a text, I will delete them from my phone.
Ill leave my apartment with glasses, messy hair, ball caps and dirty jeans.  No fucks are given.  I watch my weight like a hawk because I have to for my industry but I honestly dont care if someone finds me pretty.

Ive got no online dating profiles. I waste no glances as men walk by. I pose no questions about a mans dating status.

I live in an apartment the size of an average single car garage. My 450 square foot space is so small that no man would look at it and see an inch for his belongings. Theres no spare drawer or extra closet space. If I was actually trying to date Id issue parking rules on my front door. Four hour minimum or mandatory tow.

I look forward to my future as I grow increasingly strange and eccentric.  Ill become the 60-year-old with blue hair who still wears Doc Martens and has birthday parties for my cats.  The lack of companionship has caused entire sections of my personality to atrophy and die.  I encourage others now to eschew the label of single and embrace the feral mindset.  We are no longer waiting for our Mr. or Mrs. Right, we are hunting proverbial birds and mice in the night and loving every second of it.

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