The Daily Mash | satire

Time 2020-10-03 15:04:33

Web Name: The Daily Mash | satire

WebSite: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk

ID:68900

Keywords:

Daily,The,satire,

Description:

Trump optimistic after massive injection of bleach DONALD Trump is being injected with a litre of bleach which will cure his Coronavirus.  The straight man s guide to telling other straight men you love themDO you love your mates but feel unable to tell them in case they somehow think you’re less of a man? Here’s how to express your affection in a masculine way.What to do if you meet a QAnon fruitloopHAVE you been cornered by a nutter who believes Donald Trump is the secret saviour of trafficked children who are imprisoned in the basement of pizza shop?Coke-snorting couple wouldn t take vaccine because they won t know what s in it A COUPLE who regularly enjoy cocaine cut with a range of unspecified powders are suspicious about exactly what will be in the Covid-19 vaccine.How to pretend you haven t seen someoneThe last thing anyone wants is a spontaneous chat with someone they know. Here's how to avoid unnecessary interactions with acquaintances.Five twats you always get stuck with at weddingsTHANKS to the government the twat pool at weddings is temporarily a little shallower. However, you'll still find the following people at every single wedding: Believe in me now, bitch? asks CovidCOVID-19 has asked President Trump if he still thinks it is ‘just the flu’ that ‘will vanish on its own’ now. The toddler s guide to making everyone s life hellNEED to make everyone around you lose the will to live? Infuriating toddler James Bates explains how to push people over the edge.Five things people like to believe which are total shitARE your beliefs a pack of nonsense which conveniently fits with your own prejudices? Check if they’re any of the following. Which evening classes will make you sound more middle class?THERE’S no point being middle class unless you’re able to out-do everyone else. Keep ahead of the Joneses with these entitled evening classes.Five terrifying email subject lines that will make you cry into your keyboardYOU’RE having a productive day. You’re cruising towards inbox zero. But all it takes is one of these ominously worded email subjects to reduce you to a sobbing mess. Both sides just as bad as each other says idiotALL politicians are no better or worse than any of the others, because they are politicians, according to an imbecile. Today s random restrictions, by regionTHE government will today announce a new set of regional Covid restrictions, all of which are different and none of which are comprehensible. Here they are: Dating fun if you re a 10 and incredible in every waySIFTING through the human population for a romantic partner is fun if you are physically attractive with an amazing personality, experts now believe.Priti Patel s latest insane ideas horrible voters will lovePRITI Patel has been criticised for a plan to put asylum seekers on Ascension Island. Here she sets out some more ideas to appeal to mad and vindictive voters. Sober October told to get f**kedTHIS year has been such a horrible disaster that no one wants to compound their suffering by doing Sober October.Agony Aunt: Dear Boris, Under no circumstances should you call someone a 'fannybadger'Dear Holly, Can you help me come up with an insult that is more accessible to the ignorant underclasses? Yours, BorisAsk Holly: We're going to put on a massive concert to end Nigel Farage - Do you think we can pull it off?If Brexit happens the British people will no longer have access to Nutella or Toblerone or Ferrero Rocher, which would be nothing short of a CATASTROPHE.Dear Holly: Do you think I've got that Lyme disease or something? After about nine months there is an intense searing pain in my crotch and, weirdly, I hear a baby crying. Dear Holly: "I've basically been fannying about"I m in the shit. I need an excuse, and quick, can you help? Yours, Sir John ChilcotAsk Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?Dear Holly,The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late.

TAGS:Daily The satire 

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