Holy wow, its been a long time since I posted! In my defense I have no defense. Watching this show is mostly torture. Anyway, I heard Steve Burton was wandering around in a gimp mask, and obviously I am here for that, so recap!

Michael forgot his watch at Nelles place and shes brought it to his office. Nelle simpers that maybe he did it on purpose because subconsciously he wants to move in? I legitimately no longer care if shes evil or not, this is so boring either way.

Jordan and Curtis are eating at the MetroCourt. Shes excited to have two weeks vacation in January and they begin bickering about whether to go skiing in the Alps or lounge on a beach in Fiji. I am ONE THOUSAND PERCENT Team Curtis on this one. No one who actually lives in upstate New York would pass up a tropical vacation in January. Continue reading

Okay, listen. I love Liesl Obrecht. Love her! Shes campy, she wears fierce hats like a boss. Shes really good with hand puppets! Kathleen Gati is a gift who deserves better material than she often gets. But I can love Obrecht, because shes a fun villain who I know is not real.

my queeeeeeeeeen

The good people of Port Charles do not know that. So they should not have a drop of tolerance or sympathy for her. Which is why all the collective amnesia floating around is a little weird: Continue reading

Am I crazy or did this episode actually feel like a soap opera? We got a mix of hijinks and emotional conversations about feelings, team ups between unlikely allies, vets actually getting to do stuff I mean it wasnt a masterpiece, but it at least met the bare requirements of competence? My bar is set real low these days, people.

Outside Kellys, Julian is trying to convince Alexis to take a drive with him when Kristina walks up. She wants to know whats going on. Your mother is making poor life choices, little K. Thats whats going on.

Haydens in the Q living room, confessing her doubts about parenthood to Curtis while Finn eavesdrops. Curtis wonders if shes worried about being a good mom, or just worried she doesnt want to be a mom at all. I wonder why shes living at the Quartermaines. Is Monica saving money at the hospital by paying her in room and board instead of a salary? Continue reading

Guys, the real world is horrible and depressing, but luckily, we have soap opera to distract us with escapist fantasy. By which I obviously mean watching previously strong women make excuses for the violent assholes who constantly lie to them, aka, the ultimate female wish fulfillment.

ALEXIS: [Julian] has every legal right to see his son.
OLIVIA: What the hell is wrong with you? This man tried to kill you. Hes put your daughters in danger again and again and youre going to stand there and defend his right to my child?
ALEXIS: Dont do this. You kept Leo away from him for months. You lied, you said that Leo was adopted, you said that Ned was the father.

I know, right? Any mother whod claim Ned was the father of her baby to protect him or her from a dangerous mobster really hasnt got a leg to stand onOH WAIT.

So anyway, just when you thought Alexis couldnt be brought any lower, HAHAHA just kidding, there is always a lower, more pathetic place this show can take her. And defending Julian and taking his side against his other baby mama is pretty damn low. One might even say character destroying. That is, if one believed any characters actions actually mattered at all on a show with a memory as short as this ones. Continue reading

Wow, you guys. What an episode! I have not laughed like that in a long time. But which part was the funniest? So hard to choose from so much bonkers.

A) The super dramatic slow pan over a bunch of adults just staring while a child standing a few feet away very slowly picked up a tin can? (Kind of like that Austin Powers steamroller scene? Only dumber. Much, much dumber.)

noooooooooooooo

B) The reveal of Helenas final diabolical plan? Which, as far as I can tell, boils down to the following: Continue reading

The TiVo summary for this episode is: Andre makes a major discovery; Carly zeroes in on her enemy; Curtis oversteps. Wow. Seems like they nailed all the really important notes.

Anyway, full recap tonight! Jasons confronting Griffin about the chimera necklace. Griffin tells him it used to belong to Annas sister. Jason thinks this cant be a coincidence!

Dillon thanks nurse Deanna for filling in for Kiki, since she has to work tonight. I feel like performing at a charity ball sponsored by your employed should automatically mean not getting scheduled to work that night, but I guess this is why I dont make nursing schedules. Continue reading

Okay, when I made the joke about Lulus dress and the Nutcracker yesterday, I had not yet seen the actual picture of Kelly Monaco hiding underneath her gigantic skirt, but now I have, and it is GIVING ME LIFE.

Anyway, day two!

girl power or something

Rant of the day: I understand were working with budget constraints and the halcyon days of the entire cast showing up in a huge room with huge tables padded full of numerous extras are long gone. But is it really too much to expect the entire staff of the hospital to actually make an appearance? Brad and Lucas, Finn and Hayden Monicas skipping her own hospitals premiere event for the second year in a row? Continue reading

Nurses Ball time! This episode assumed I care a whole lot more about the state of Nina and Valentins marriage and the big Morgan pill mystery than I actually do. Which is not at all in both cases. But still, we got some vets and some fancy dresses, so thats something, right?

work it, spencers

This year, Burts Bees has given Aveeno the boot and ABCs contractually obligated D-list celebrity host is Mario Lopez, who was barely able to pretend he gave a crap about any of this during his twenty minutes of work: Continue reading

I put off watching this episode for a few days because I knew it would destroy me. And hey, I was right!

Tracys got her entire family (sans Jason because Billy Miller had already hit his guarantees for the month?) and everyone else she cares about gathered in the Quartermaine living room for an announcement:

TRACY: I love you all. The people in the room are the ones I hold in my heart. The time has come for me to step out of my fathers shadow. I need to make a life of my own. I cant do it here. Which brings me to my announcement: Im leaving.

Everyone is shocked and appalled. I feel you, Port Charles. Continue reading

Ah, Daytime television. Entertainment for women! And apparently women really love gaslighting, because there isnt a single plot right now that doesnt involve rewriting the things we all actually saw on screen.

Like, hey, did you know Nina is now a more stable parental figure than Lulu in the eyes of the law? And definitely not a former mental patient who literally ripped a baby out of another womans womb and has been banned by every adoption agency on the planet!

helena was scared of this guy. really.

Annas got a mysterious retconned past with Valentin! Who, himself, has been retconned from a ruthless murderer and Most Dangerous Cassadine of All into a former street urchin/deformed virgin who stutters and weeps at the drop of a hat.

Brad has completely reverted to his money-grubbing, ethically challenged douchebag ways, as if none of the character growth of his friendship with Britt and marriage to Lucas ever happened! Speaking of Lucas, Im not sure he even exists anymore, since they havent bothered to show him react to the news his father is alive.

Meanwhile, these words came out of Sonnys mouth with ZERO sense of irony: Continue reading